It’s Too Early In The Morning For This

, , , , , | Right | October 17, 2017

(I work for a large energy firm servicing department. Everyone gets this type of call several times a day.)

Me: “Good morning, you’re through to [Company] and [Department]. How can I help?”

Customer: “My fireplace isn’t working.”

(I go over security details and they pass, and we proceed to pull up a calendar for repair appointment.)

Me: “Okay, sir, the earliest available appointment is two days from now between 12:00 and 6:00 pm.”

Customer: “Have you got anything sooner?”

Me: “No, sir, two days is the earliest appointment, 12:00 until 6:00 pm.”

Customer: “Okay, I guess I’ll take the morning, then.”

Me: “Sir, the next appointment is two days from now in the afternoon, or three days from now in the morning. If you prefer a morning, you will have to wait until the third day or I will book you in for the afternoon.”

Customer: “Well, that isn’t very good. Why can’t I get an appointment in the morning for two days time?”

Me: “Because we work on a live system with limited staffing for repairs. If we have a high volume of breakdowns in your area, it is mainly first-come, first-serve.”

Customer: “I pay £35 a month for this agreement. Can’t you cancel someone else’s appointment?”

Me: “In the interest of equality, we do not cancel appointments to book in other customers; that is company policy.”

Customer: “I don’t care; I want an appointment in the morning.”

Me: “Sorry, sir, that is not a possibility, and due to it being a live system, if I do not book you an appointment now it may be gone soon.”

Customer: “Fine! Don’t know why I pay for this service.”

Me: “Because if you didn’t, it could be anything up to $400 or more for each repair and a wait of up to a week or more, sir.”

(We resolve the call and they hang up.)

Coworker: “So, no mornings, then?”

Me: “Don’t get me started!”

Spare A Nickel Of Charity?

, , , , , | Right | October 17, 2017

(Our chain has implemented a “roundup” feature; customers are asked if they want to round their total up to the nearest dollar, with the extra cents being donated to a children’s charity. The outcome means that it is impossible for the donation to ever be more than 99 cents.)

Customer: “What’s this prompt asking me?”

Me: “It’s asking if you want to round the total of your purchase up to the next dollar, and donate the extra to charity.”

(The customer hits yes before proceeding with her question.)

Customer: “Oh, now I remember. I think I donated two or three dollars with it the last time I was here. How much is it this time?”

Me: “Less than a dollar, ma’am.”

(The transaction proceeds normally, until we finally reach the end.)

Me: “All right, your total is $28.00.”

Customer: “It’s how much? Oh, no. That can’t be right!”

(She begins rummaging around in her wallet, still thinking aloud.)

Customer: “I’m sure I added everything up correctly, but I didn’t bring enough for that with me… Wait, I know! It was that donation! How much did you say it was?”

Me: “Less than a dollar?”

Customer: “Well, take it off. I’m sorry; I didn’t realize it was going to be so much.”

(I go ahead and cancel it, displaying her new total without the rounding.)

Me: “All right, your total is… $27.95, ma’am.”

(The customer promptly pulled out $28 in cash, and I handed her the nickel in change.)

You And Ice Cream Need To Come To An Understanding

, , , | Right | October 17, 2017

(I’m in line at a burger place, on my way home from work. The customer before me has just finished placing a massive order for his seated family and is deciding on dessert.)

Customer: “I guess we’ll take five sundaes.”

Cashier: “Certainly, sir. Would those be caramel or hot fudge sundaes?”

Customer: “What’s the difference?”

Cashier: “Just in the topping, sir. Caramel or hot fudge.”

Customer: “But what’s the difference between those two?”

Cashier: “Sir, one has hot fudge on it, and the other has caramel sauce.”

Customer: “But what is that?”

Cashier: “Sir?”

Customer: “What is caramel?”

Cashier: “It’s basically melted sugar.”

Customer: “So, it’s sweet?”

Cashier: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: *after a pause* “I like sweet desserts.”

Cashier: “So, will that be five caramel sundaes?”

Customer: “Is caramel sweeter than chocolate?”

Cashier: “I think so, sir.”

Customer: “Will I like it?”

Cashier: “If you like sweet things, yes, sir.”

Customer: “Will my family like it?”

Cashier: “If they like sweet desserts, I’m sure they’ll like our caramel sundae.”

Customer: “Ice cream is complicated.”

(Suddenly, a woman seated nearby with kids — presumably his family — shouts:)

Woman: “Just give him apple pies!”

Needs To Reverse That Reversal

, , , , | Working | October 17, 2017

In college I had a summer job in a shop, installing refrigeration units on semi-trailers. Several other college and high-school kids performed the same job as I, although with varying degrees of mechanical aptitude.

I was working on a trailer one day when one of them came asking for help. “I’ve been trying to drill a hole in this frame rail for an hour and it won’t go through,” he said.

I replied, “Okay, let’s have a look.” We walked over and got under the trailer he was working on, where I could see a dimple in the rail and lots of heat-blistered paint. “Let me see your drill.”

I looked at the heat-discolored bit in it and realized he’d been trying to make his hole with the drill in reverse. I told him, “It’s because the drill is going the wrong direction.” He said thanks and I left him to continue.

Another half-hour passed and the bell for lunch rang. As I walked past his bay, I saw him under the trailer, with the drill still in reverse, trying to punch the hole from the other side of the rail.

Sliding Around That One

, , | Working | October 17, 2017

(I work for an airline and we have just landed into a major UK airport at a very busy time. We are currently waiting on a member of ground staff to attach the air-bridge so our passengers can disembark. We have been waiting on the ground for approximately five minutes.)

Passenger: *a man who was perfectly civil and seemed relatively smart during the flight* “Can you not just use the emergency slide?”

Purser: *after realising that they are not joking* “No, sir.”

Passenger: “Why an earth not?”

Purser: “One: it’s not an emergency. Two: it’s unbelievably dangerous to anyone around on the ground. Three: it costs around £60,000. Four: it renders the aircraft unserviceable and means the next flight must be cancelled. And five: it wouldn’t get you anywhere except underneath the plane instead of on it.”

(The air-bridge was attached about two minutes later and we heard no more about the slide from anyone!)

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