Making A Spectacle Of Your Stupidity

, , , , | Right | June 7, 2017

(I answer a call:)

Caller: “Hello, my son just received his new glasses and I don’t think they’re right!”

Me: “What is the matter with the glasses?”

Caller: “They’re way too strong!”

Me: “Is the child complaining of discomfort or blurry vision?”

Caller: “No, but when I put them on I can’t see anything! They must be too strong! When I look around the room I can’t see anything! I can’t imagine that my child sees anything either!”

Me: “Well, those glasses would not prescribed for your vision. They are prescribed for your child’s vision because you see differently.”

Caller: “They are just too strong and I’m not gonna have my child wearing these!”

That Wall Can’t Keep Out The Stupid

, , , , | Learning | June 7, 2017

(Our teacher is lecturing us on forms of energy. She says that wind is a form of energy and air is not. She then calls on a student because he is not paying attention.)

Teacher: “What did I just say?”

Student: “What?”

Teacher: “What did I just say?”

Student: “Wind is a form of energy!”

Teacher: “Good. What else did I say?”

Student: “Umm…”

Teacher: “What is not a form of energy?”

Student: “A wall!”

(I had to bite my lip to stop my laughter.)

Has To Ketchup With His Car

, , , | Right | June 7, 2017

(I work in a fast food restaurant. We frequently park cars in the drive-thru that are waiting longer than usual so we can keep the line moving. I walk in one day and this is the conversation I hear:)

Customer: “Have you seen my car?”

Employee: “Uh, what?”

Customer: “You guys had me pull forward, but you forgot my ketchup. So I had to come back in for it. Now my car is gone.”

Employee: “I have no idea what happened to your car.”

Customer: “Someone stole my car! I need to call the police!” *runs out of building frantically*

Employee: *to me* “I have no idea what’s going on.”

(A few minutes later the man comes back in.)

Customer: “I found my car. It’s in the ditch across the street. Someone crashed my car in the ditch! Who would do that?”

Employee: “I don’t know, sir; do you need me to get the manager?”

Customer: “Yes! This is ridiculous.”

(The police arrived, to discover that he had left his keys in his manual car and left it in gear, and it had rolled across the street all on its own. He waited outside for the tow truck, very embarrassed.)

Makes You Yearn For A Real Bullet

, , , , , | Working | June 6, 2017

(I am the only IT person on site, supporting about 50 users of varying skill levels. This user is about 50 years old, and is very nervous around computers. I’m helping him prep a document for a meeting.)

Me: “Okay! And now, if you want, you can simply copy and paste the text from that email into this PowerPoint slide.”

User: “I want to keep it the same.” *indicating formatting, such as bullet points*

Me: “We can totally do that. When we paste, we’ll tell it to copy the formatting.”

User: “But I don’t want all those dots.” *tapping the screen where the bullet points are*

Me: “Okay. We can tell it to just paste the text then, instead of formatting.” *we do so*

User: “Where did my dots go?!”

Me: “The bullet points? I thought you said you didn’t want them.”

User: “I don’t. I just want the dots in front of the words.”

Me: “Those dots are the bullet points.”

User: “No. I just want the dots.” *again, indicates the bullet points*

Me: “All right. Let’s change that, then.” *two quick clicks and the bullet points are restored*

User: “NO! I don’t want those! Just the dots!”

Me: *running out of patience* “Which dots?” *I highlight the bullet points* “These dots?”

User: “Yes! Is that so hard?”

Me: *silently cursing my decision to enter IT* “No. I’m sorry for misunderstanding. Does it look okay now?” *indicating the PowerPoint slide with the bullet points*

User: “No. Take those things away! I told you I don’t want them.”

(I change the style of the bullet points from small dots to squares.)

Me: “How about this? Is that better?”

User: “Yes. Finally. I don’t know why that was so hard for you.”

Her Son Trends Against The Curve

, , , , , , | Right | June 6, 2017

(A customer comes in to clean out and sign paperwork for a vehicle in her name. The car is totalled, as it had run head-first into a tree and sustained more repair costs than the car itself is worth. My coworker comes up from the accounting area of the offices with the forms and they stand by my receptionist desk to get everything done.)

Car Owner: “I can’t believe my stupid son wrecked this so badly!”

(She keeps referring to him as her “stupid son” or “stupid boy” but not meanly — it’s more like she loves him but can’t believe what he did. My coworker just ignores it in favor of taking care of business, but she finally smiles and shakes her head.)

Coworker: “I’m sure he’s not that bad.”

Customer: “Do you know what he told me? ‘I didn’t know the road curved, Ma.'”

Coworker: “Oh, well… I guess you have a point!”

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