Maybe She Thought It Was Beyoncé’s Album

, , , , , | | Working | May 21, 2018

(In Australia, lemonade is a clear, carbonated, lemon-flavoured drink, like Sprite. Lemon Squash, or Pub Squash, is a yellow, carbonated drink with a stronger lemon flavour. Traditional, non-carbonated lemonade is pretty rare here. I’ve just pulled up to the speaker box at the drive-thru and am finishing placing my order.)

Me: “And a [combo], with a lemonade for the drink.”

Worker: “Sorry?”

Me: “A [combo] with a lemonade for the drink.”

Worker: “And what for the drink?”

(I am being very clear, and I haven’t said a brand name because I can’t remember which soda company’s products this restaurant has: Coke or Pepsi.)

Me: “Lemonade.”

Worker: “Lift?” *this is Coke’s brand name for lemon squash in Australia*

Me: “No, lemonade. Like a Sprite or something.”

Worker: “Oh! We have Sprite!”

(Awkward silence.)

Me: “Yeah… A Sprite.”

(When I drove up to the window, she handed me my food and drink. She looked about 16. I knew from the accent that she was Australian, so she shouldn’t have been confused. I have no idea how she got this far in life not knowing what lemonade was.)

This Kind Of Work Is Not In Her Jeans

, , , , | | Working | May 21, 2018

(I am working the night audit shift at a hotel when a young woman comes in. She is dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt. It is about two in the morning.)

Girl: “Hey! Are you guys taking applications right now?”

Me: “I don’t know, honestly, but I can give you the web address where we take applications.”

Girl: “There isn’t a manager I can speak to?”

(Again, it is two in the morning.)

Me: “Um… I’m the de facto manager on duty right now, but I have no control over our hiring practices. You’ll have to go online, or wait until morning when someone is in.”

Girl: “Aw, shoot. I just wanted to get some kind of job; you know, something easy, like your job!”

Me: *glancing at the mountain of accounting paperwork I’m currently trying to get through while attempting not to look insulted* “Yes, well, like I said, I don’t know if we’re hiring, but I know we don’t need any more night auditors right now.”

Girl: “Sure, sure. Oh! And do you have to wear anything in particular for this job?”

Me: *looks down at the pinstripe suit and matching blouse that no young woman would possibly wear unless they had to* “Yes… This.”

Girl: “What? You mean I can’t just wear like, a t-shirt and jeans?”

Me: “No.”

Girl: “Huh! Well, never mind, then!”

(She left. Not only have I never seen ANY hotel of ANY stripe that allowed its employees to wear t-shirts and jeans to work, but we are a higher-end, full-service brand!)

Two Wrongs Don’t Make A Right

, , , | | Healthy | May 20, 2018

(I work in healthcare and am talking to a man in his fifties who is having angina for the first time.)

Me: “You haven’t had a heart attack, but this pain is probably coming from your heart.”

Man: “But I’m only 50-something, and there are no heart problems in my family. Why would that be?”

Me: “You smoke 30 cigarettes a day and drink two cartons of beer per week. That’s not good for your heart. You should think about cutting down.”

Man: “I’m sick of you people telling me that bulls***! It’s a scientifically proven fact that smoking makes your arteries smaller, and drinking makes them bigger! If I keep drinking and smoking, I’ll be fine!”

Me: “That’s not at all how it works, but I see I’m not going to change your mind. You’ll be going upstairs soon.”

Man: “I want to go out for a smoke!”

Me: “That’s really not a good idea.”

Man: “What would you know?!”

Me: *gives up*

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The Fabric Of My Vocation

, , , | | Right | May 20, 2018

Me: “Welcome to our fabric store. Is there any way I can help you?”

Customer: “I pick out fabrics, I bring it up to you, you cut it, and then I pay you?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. That’s pretty much my job description.”

(She seemed genuinely confused at how buying stuff works.)

Phoning In The Help

, , , , , | | Right | May 20, 2018

Me: “Hey, sir, what brings you in today?”

Customer: “Sir, I need help booking airline tickets.”

Me: “Airline tickets?”

Customer: “Yes, I need to book a flight.”

Me: “Sir, this is a cell phone store. We can help you with your phone, but we cannot book airline tickets.”

(The next day the customer comes back.)

Me: “Good afternoon, sir. Welcome back.”

Customer: “Sir, how do I send this resumé?”

Me: “…”

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