The Wheel Of Stupidity Keeps On Turning

, , , , , | Legal | January 15, 2020

(In Colorado, it is illegal to text and drive, but it is legal to talk on a cell phone or use a handheld device while driving if you are over 18. The officer in this story pulls over a driver who had his phone in one hand and a sports drink in the other.)

Officer: “You do realize you didn’t have any hands on the wheel, right?”

Driver: *in a tone that implies it’s his excuse* “Oh, but I was texting.”

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Alarmingly Sweet

, , , , | Romantic | January 15, 2020

(I am a notoriously heavy sleeper, needing multiple cell phone alarms plus a digital alarm clock to help me wake up in the morning. My husband, on the other hand, wakes up well before his alarm and is often up an hour or two earlier than me due to his work schedule. One morning, I vaguely hear my alarms from the depth of my dreams and hear my husband stomping his way into the bedroom to turn them off. I bring it up with him later that day.)

Me: “Did me sleeping through my alarms this morning annoy you?”

Husband: “No, why?”

Me: “I heard you come stomping in the room like you were thinking, ‘All this f****** noise and she’s not even moving!’”

Husband: “No! I was rushing to turn them off because I didn’t want it to wake you up!”

Me: *staring at him in confusion* “You do… You do know what alarms are for, right?”

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The Oysters Contain Bacon

, , , , | Right | January 15, 2020

Customer: *whilst ordering their meal* “I want you to tell the chef that I am a vegetarian, so he needs to make sure to keep my food away from any meat.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, and what can we get for you today?”

Customer: “I want to start out with the French onion soup, and then I’ll have the poached oysters, and… Can I order dessert after I finish the mains if I feel like it?”

Me: *pausing for a moment* “Ma’am, you said you were vegetarian; we are unable to serve vegetarian poached oysters.”

Customer: *blank stare* “What do you mean?”

Me: “Ma’am, oysters are molluscs; they’re a meat product.”

Customer: *even blanker stare* “No. Oysters are a plant. They grow in the sea, like seaweed.”

Me: *not even sure what to say to this* “Ma’am, I am very sorry, but the oyster dish contains a meat product. Could I recommend our vegetarian lasagne? It’s on special today and is really excellent.”

Customer: *looking completely confused* “You’re sure there’s meat in the poached oysters?”

Me: “I can fetch the chef or management if you wish to discuss it with them.”

Customer: “But… why can’t you tell me what meat is in the poached oysters?”

(I tried to explain for some minutes more before fetching a supervisor to deal with it. I don’t get paid enough to explain the evolution of the mollusc to customers.)

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Some People Are Terrified Of Even A Sniff Of Gay

, , , , , | Healthy | January 15, 2020

(I’m at a vet’s office for my pug when I overhear this:)

Receptionist: “No, ma’am, your dog is not gay. They sniff each other’s rear ends to introduce themselves. All dogs do it.”

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Leaving With Her Taillights Between Her Legs

, , , , | Right | January 15, 2020

My first job was working at a small four-bay auto shop in a mountain community. A customer came in with a brand-new SUV, complaining that her husband said her taillights did not work. 

According to her, she had missed a few days of work because she was afraid to drive without taillights for fear of being pulled over. She said the bulbs the local parts store had sold to her had proved ineffective. I ran through a light check; I even had a colleague watch while I pushed on the brakes and activated the blinkers to make sure everything was working properly. All taillights worked, so I noted normal operation at this time and shipped the car to be returned to its owner. 

The next day, I found the same SUV in my bag with a note in all caps: “CUSTOMER STATES TAILLIGHTS STILL DO NOT WORK.” I checked everything again, and again, everything seemed to be working. Dumbfounded, I told the service writer the results. He ended up calling the customer and asking her to drop by the shop to help us understand what she thought was wrong. 

She came by a few hours later. I showed her that all the lights worked, but she insisted her taillight was still broken. I walked to the back of the car and asked her to point out the lights she thought weren’t working. 

She told me the lights were broken because they never came on with the other ones when the headlights were turned on… and then proceeded to point out the white reverse lights on the back of her car. 

Apparently, she’d missed three days of work because she didn’t understand that reverse lights only come on when the car is in reverse. (There is one manufacturer that has programmed reverse lights to indicate when a button on the key fob is pressed, but this particular vehicle was not one of those.) 

I showed her that the reverse lights did, indeed, work, and sent her on her way.

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