Not Quite Excelling At Her Job

, , , , , , | Working | July 16, 2018

(We have a new person in the office who claimed to be an Excel expert when she applied. While her role doesn’t require using the software, one manager decided to take advantage of her skills and have her redesign an allocation sheet for one of his divisions. She agrees to help and spends an entire day working on it instead of doing her actual duties. I go up to her, asking if she wants a cup of tea. However, she looks quite stressed.)

Me: “Is everything all right?”

Colleague: “Yes. It’s just this allocation sheet. It’s very complicated and demanding. I think someone is going to have to pick up my work until I’ve finished.”

Me: “You should only be doing that once you’ve finished the work you are required to do. I think [Manager] would understand.”

Colleague: “Clearly you don’t understand anything. This requires a lot of concentration! I can’t just do an odd hour here or there.”

Me: “What are you trying to do? I’m quite good at Excel myself. Maybe I can help.”

Colleague: “No, it’ll be way above your head.”

Me: “Try me.”

Colleague: *sighs* “In this column here, I’m making all the boxes write in bold.”

Me: “Okay.”

Colleague: “And that’s very time-consuming.”

Me: “You’ve spent a day making all the cells in that column bold?”

Colleague: “Yes.”

Me: “And how have you been doing it?”

(She then selects a single cell, right-clicks it, clicks on “Format Cells,” then the “Font” tab, and then “Bold,” before clicking “Okay.”)

Colleague: “Understand why it’s taking so long?”

Me: “And you’ve been doing that one cell at a time? Why don’t you just select a group of cells at a time, or better yet, just an entire column?”

Colleague: *confused* “What?”

Me: *pointing at the column head* “Click there.”

(She does and her eyes practically bulge when the entire column changes colour. I then navigate her to the “Home” tab and tell her to click the “B.”)

Me: “Everything in that column will be in bold now.”

Colleague: “I… I need a break.”

(She gets up and turns. The manager she was making the sheet for has been stood behind us long enough to understand what’s just happened. He says he won’t be needing her help anymore, and she leaves for the kitchen.)

Manager: *whispering to me* “Even I know how to bold a f****** column.”

(This revelation spread like wildfire in the office, and while no one is outright bullying her, no one trusts her with a PC, resulting in her no longer being needed.)


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Sad Panda Should Know Where They Are

, , , , , | Right | July 16, 2018

(The phone rings a couple of minutes after closing.)

Customer: “Hey, are you anywhere near me?”

Me: “I don’t know where you are.”

Customer: *talking to friends in the background* “Where are we?” *to me* “Someplace starting with T…” *relates suburb about five minutes’ drive away*

Me: “Yes, you’re about five minutes away but—”

Customer: *interrupts* “Sweet! What time do you close?”

Me: “Actually, we closed about five minutes ago.”

Customer: “Oh, man! My favourite store is closed! I’m a sad panda.” *click*

Everyone Gets Fired

, , , , , | Working | July 15, 2018

I work at a big fast food chain. A coworker who works the front counter is annoyed by our slower work speed in the back, due one of the deep fryer elements being stuck half out of the oil. They decide to come see why we are slower.

Seeing the lid on the fryer, which is an obvious sign that it has a fault, the coworker decides to turn it on without asking why it is off and covered, and walks away without telling anyone the fryer is now on.

A few minutes pass, and now smoke is seen coming out from under the lid. [Coworker #2] decides to take the lid off to see why. That causes the fryer to burst into flames. Seeing the danger, [Coworker #2] grabs the nearby fire blanket and covers the fire…

…only to see the blanket also catch fire, as it’s out of date and has not been inspected in years. [Coworker #3] sees this happen and grabs the nearby extinguisher for oil fires and empties it all on the flames…

…only to see them still burning, as the extinguisher — like the blanket — is also out of date and has not been inspected in years. [Coworker #3] then grabs another extinguisher and empties it on the flames, with no effect ,due to the same problem as the blanket and first extinguisher.

The fire brigade arrives and finally puts out the fire. In the end, [Coworker #1], who started the whole thing, doesn’t get in any trouble, and the store gets regular checks on all its fire prevention equipment.

Making A Collect Call

, , , | Working | July 14, 2018

(I need to get a new gazebo, so I have a look online first to see if I can get a good bargain. I also live an hour away from the nearest stores, so I want to make sure they have what I need first. One particular retailer has the exact gazebo I want for 50% off so I visit the store but, when I get there, it’s listed at full price. I approach an employee.)

Me: “Hi. I saw on your website that you have this gazebo for 50% off, but it’s listed as full price on the shelf. Do you know why?”

Employee: “We’ve started doing online-only offers, so the 50% off would be an online offer.”

Me: “Oh, right. I didn’t notice it was an online offer, and I drove an hour here. Is there any way I can get the online price?”

Employee: “I’m afraid not. You have to order through the website to get that price.”

Me: “That’s fair, I guess. When did you start doing online orders for delivery? I thought your site just showed what’s available.”

Employee: “We don’t do delivery, but if you see something you like you can reserve it for store pick up.”

Me: “And if I reserve it for store pick-up, do I get the online price?”

Employee: “Yep!”

Me: “Okay… and once I reserve it, how long before I can collect it?”

Employee: “If we have it in stock, you can collect it immediately!”

Me: “Right. One second…” *takes out phone* “I just reserved a gazebo online. Can I collect it, please?”

Somehow Making It Worse

, , , , | Right | July 14, 2018

(I work in a tavern. This happens to my coworker when a guy doesn’t have his ID.)

Coworker: “I’m sorry, we can’t serve you alcohol if you don’t have your ID.”

Customer: “What, so I have to leave?”

Coworker: “No, we just—”

Customer: “Look, I’m not a cop!”

(The customer pulls out and shows my coworker a bag of cocaine.)

Coworker: “Okay, now you have to leave.”

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