How To Monday On A Saturday

, , , , , , | Working | October 11, 2017

(My former boss is an incredibly high-strung jerk without any kind of time management or people skills. I receive these shrieking voicemails on my personal cell phone one day when she’s on vacation. The first voicemail:)

Boss: “I have been trying to reach you and [Colleague #1] and [Colleague #2] at the office for an hour this morning. How dare you slack off like this?! We have deadlines! Just because I’m away does not mean you get to waltz into work whenever you feel like it! There are important cases that need to be done by the time I get back! If someone doesn’t call me back in the next ten minutes, you are all fired; do you understand me?! Your a** is out on the street, and I will make sure no one hires you! I will have you and [Colleague #1] disciplined by the [Licensing Authority]! YOU WILL NEVER WORK AGAIN!

(Her screams toward the end escalate in volume and shrillness to the point where I can’t keep the phone against my ear. Then, I listen to the second voicemail.)

Boss: “Um, someone here pointed out that it is Saturday. Please ignore the last voicemail. But I expect you to call me as soon as you get in on Monday! We have important deadlines to make, and I’m extending my vacation, so I need you and [Colleagues #1 and #2] to be on the ball!”

(And she wondered why she couldn’t keep even incompetent employees, and why she didn’t have a better reputation in the field.)

Boys Are Stupid, Period

, , , , , , | Learning | October 11, 2017

(An unused tampon has fallen out of someone’s backpack, and is now sitting on the floor. Most girls shuffle over it, but the guys jump away like it’s an unpinned grenade.)

Teacher: “Guys, go sit down!”

Guys: “There’s a tampon on the floor!”

Me: *picking it up* “It’s unused.”

Teacher: “Really, guys? Go sit.”

Guy #1: “Ew, you’re holding it?”

Girl #1: “That’s literally just a compressed cotton ball.”

Girl #2: “It hasn’t even touched a vagina.”

Teacher: “Can I see it?”

Guy #2: “This is f****** disgusting.”

Guy #3: “GROSS!”

Teacher: “Hey, [Girl #3], catch!”

(The girls in the classroom tossed it around before finally chucking it in the trash. The guys eventually sat down, and that teacher is still one of my favorites.)

Enough To Make You See Red

, , , , , | Right | October 10, 2017

(I’m a customer in this. I hear two people yelling across the store as I shop.)

Customer #1: “Hey! [Customer #2]!”

Customer #2: “Can’t you see I’m busy?!”

Customer #1: “Oh, sorry! So, what color did you want: blue, yellow, green, or black?!”

Customer #2: “Hmm… Give me red!”


They’ll Be Back(pack)

, , , , | Working | October 10, 2017

(I’m looking for a new backpack. Because I tend to carry a lot of things with me, and my back’s been giving me problems, I’m specifically looking for a backpack with a waist or chest strap. I go to the store and pick up a backpack with a waist strap and check it out.)

Employee: *approaches me* “Are you looking for anything in particular?”

Me: “Oh, yeah. I’m looking for backpacks with waist straps like this one.” *shows her the backpack*

Employee: “Sorry, we don’t carry any like that.”

Me: *long pause* “So, you don’t carry any backpacks with waist straps like this?” *picks up the waist strap to show her better*

Employee: “That’s right.”

Me: *another long pause* “All righty, then.”

(I put the backpack back and left.)

That Explains The Vacancy

, , , , | Working | October 10, 2017

(I see an ad inviting people to apply for a job in person, so I go.)

Clerk: “Hello… can I help you?”

Me: “Yes, can I have a job application?”

Clerk: *very blankly* “What?”

Me: “A job application?”

Clerk: *loooong pause* “Job application. Okay.”

(She hands me one, with a pen and instructions to fill it out. I thank her and go and sit down. I fill it out and approach the desk again.)

Me: “Hello?”

Clerk: *looks straight at me and leaves*

Me: “Um? Hello?”

(She ignored me, so I just put it down on the desk and left. Honestly, if they hired her, I won’t be too unhappy if they decide not to call me!)

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