Exactly Where Did She Grow Up

, , , , | Friendly | August 25, 2017

Woman #1: *American accent* “Hey! May I just ask you what you are doing?”

Me: “Waiting for a bus.”

Woman #1: “Really?! And what do you do?”

Me: “To wait for a bus?”

(She nods.)

Me: “You… just stand around, waiting.”

(She looks at me really enthusiastically, and then moves on to questions like, is it a hobby, how long do people wait, and if “bus” [with actual air quotes] is some sort of animal native to the UK. After a few minutes another woman appears and tells her they’re leaving. The first woman shakes my hand and she joins her group. The other woman stays behind to talk to me.)

Woman #2: “Sorry about that, she’s had quite a… closed childhood, and not everything is quite there. She seems to think even the most mundane thing over here is strange and exotic. Thank you, though, for entertaining her. Most people have just walked away, acting really offended.”

It’s All In The Delivery

, , , , | Working | August 25, 2017

(I work in the Grocery department and my coworker works in the Produce department.)

Me: “Hey, if anything for Grocery comes in and you sign for it will you let someone in Grocery know about it?”

Coworker: “Yeah, sure. Why?”

Me: “Because… sometimes… when we get a delivery… we need it…”

Helping To Increase Bacon Awareness

, , , , | Right | August 24, 2017

(This exchange occurs at a popular sandwich shop as I a start my order.)

Employee: “Welcome to [Restaurant]. I’m sorry to tell you that we’re out of meatballs, bacon, and cucumbers.”

Me: “Well, that sucks. Let me guess, you’ve gotten yelled at a bunch of times by customers thinking it’s your fault.”

Employee: “Once or twice, but it’s almost closing time and we get a new delivery tomorrow, so it hasn’t been too bad.”

Me: “That’s good. What are you out of again?”

Employee: “Meatballs, bacon, and cucumbers.”

Me: “Is any of that on the Chicken, Bacon, Ranch?”

Employee: *pauses* “Uh, yeah. The bacon.”

Me: “Oh, god, I’m one of THOSE customers.”

(I ended up ordering a different sandwich, and the employee had a good laugh at how tired I was.)

Your Common Sense Isn’t Exactly Sky High

, , , | Right | August 21, 2017

Me: *answers phone* “Hi, This is the front desk!”

Guest: “Hi. I was wondering how to turn off the light in the bathroom. I’ve been looking everywhere, but there’s no switch for it!”

Me: “Oh, yes, that’s actually a skylight!”

Guest: “Oh… so?”

Me: *joking* “It’s the sun so it doesn’t turn off.”

Guest: *obviously confused* “…what?”

Me: “It’ll turn off when it gets dark outside.”

Guest: “Well, that’s all I needed to know!” *hangs up*

Coworker: *overheard the conversation and is laughing her butt off*

Literally A Flammable Situation

, , , , , | Right | August 18, 2017

(Back in 1996, working an afternoon at the popular local convenience store with gas pumps. Gas is about $1.25 a gallon. Multiple cars at the pumps, a line of customers waiting inside at the register to pay. A little old lady comes up…)

Old Lady: “What do I owe on pump four?”

Me: *checking the pump total* “$13.96.”

Old Lady: “That doesn’t sounds right. Please make sure you’re looking at the right pump. Number four.”

Me: *checking again* “Huh, that’s weird. It’s $14.67, now.”

(My manager is organizing the shelves nearby and gives me a weird look.)

Old Lady: “That can’t be right; my tank has a hole in it and can only hold about $8 dollars of gas.”

(My manager, a 4’11” woman, LEAPS over the service counter, palming the emergency pump shutoff, races to the aisle with cat food, shoots out the front door with a bag of kitty litter, shouting “Call the fire department!” at me and “GET AWAY FROM THE PUMPS” to everyone outside.)

Old Lady: “So, will $8 be enough?”

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