The Music Police

, , , , | Working | January 23, 2018

(It’s 1997. I work with a 19-year-old who thinks she knows everything about music. Puff Daddy’s “I’ll Be Missing You” is playing on the office radio. As the song ends:)

Coworker: “I love that song.”

Me: “Really? Come here for a second.”

(I play “Every Breath You Take” by the music group The Police.)

Coworker: *listening* “Ugh! I can’t believe someone is already sampling Puff Daddy’s work! That’s so lame! Why can’t they come up with their own music?!”

Me: “Uh, The Police wrote that song… in 1983. I’ll let you borrow my album if you have a record player.”

(She refused to believe that Puff Daddy sampled anything and wouldn’t look at any proof shown to her.)

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It’s About To Go Postal

, , , | Right | January 23, 2018

(We sell masks for CPAP [continuous positive airway pressure] machines. We allow returns if customers don’t like their masks, but we need to ask why.)

Me: “Hello, and thank you for calling [Company]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I need to return a mask.”

(I get her order information and pull up her order.)

Me: “Okay, I see you ordered [Mask]. What seems to be the problem?”

(This mask is designed to go under the nose and over the mouth. It’s a new design of a full-face mask we are really excited about, so we really need feedback whenever it’s returned.)

Customer: “Well, they put a hole over my mouth, and it blows cold air on my mouth and lips. It’s so silly and I don’t like it at all!”

(I’m speechless for a moment because the whole point of the mask is to go over your mouth.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am. Have you had a full face mask before?”

Customer: “Oh, no. I’ve only had ones that go over my nose! Why would you have one that covers your mouth? It’s so silly!”

(I want this woman off my line, because that is exactly what she purchased, but whatever.)

Me: “Well, that’s a popular style mask, but since you’re unhappy with the purchase, you are able to ship it back for a refund.”

Customer: “You don’t send me a label?”

Me: “No, ma’am. Customers pay for the return shipping; it’s outlined in our return policy.”

Customer: “How do I do that?”

Me: “You go to your local post office, tell them the address to ship it to, and they’ll tell you the price.”

Customer: “But I got it through [Parcel Delivery Service]! Shouldn’t I use them?”

Me: “You paid for [Parcel Delivery Service] to deliver to you. You can use any carrier you’d like to send it back to us.”

Customer: “How do I do that?”

Me: *repeats* “You go to the store and give them the item, and they’ll give you the price.”

Customer: “It’s that easy?”

Me: “Yup.”

Customer: “Thanks!” *click*

(I think I felt my IQ lower a bit just by talking to this woman.)

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Losing Your Wits, But Not Your Job

, , , , | Working | January 23, 2018

(My office has known for a while that any of us could be losing our job at any time. My manager calls me into his office.)

Manager: “Okay, I’m afraid I have some bad news.”

Me: “I’m the first? I guess that was to be expected.”

Manager: “The first?”

Me: “To lose my job. It’s all right; I’m already looking for somewhere else. I won’t be out of work for long.”

Manager: “How did you know you were losing your job?”

Me: “Well, you sent out HR1 letters three weeks ago.”

Manager: *going pale* “Oh, no. They weren’t meant to be sent out!”

Me: “Wait, so, what did you think when the office got spectacularly clean the other week?”

Manager: “I just thought [Colleague with OCD] had had enough.”

Me: “So, do I finish this Friday?”

Manager: “What? H*** no! I need you here for the next month.”

Me: “But the letter said I would be paid up to the week I’m dismissed.”

Manager: “Look, just forget about the letter… Hold on.”

(He sprints out of the room and returns a few minutes later, flushed.)

Manager: “Okay, [HR Manager] and I want to reconsider the necessity of your position, so for the time being, just forget this meeting ever happened.”

(The next week, several of the HR Manager’s duties were delegated to some of us in the office, and we haven’t seen the HR Manager since. The letters, and the office’s cleanliness, are long forgotten.)

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Dry Humor During The Wet Season

, , , , , , | Right | January 22, 2018

(I tend to have a dry sense of humor that people always don’t get.)

Customer: “I tell you, one moment it’s raining and the next moment it’s sunny. It’s like it doesn’t know if it’s winter or summer!”

Me: “It’s called spring, ma’am.”

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Not Exactly 20/20 Vision

, , , | Right | January 22, 2018

(We’re having a promotion in the store where two or more dolls ring up as $10 each. A customer brings two dolls to my register.)

Customer: “These are $20 for two, right?”

Me: “Yes! They are $10 each with a purchase of two or more.”

Customer: “At the front they told me it would be $20 for two.”

Me: “Yup, there are two, and they are $10 each.”

Customer: “I want them for $20.”

Me: “Yes.” *motioning to each* “10 and 10.”

Customer: *looking at me with a confused expression* “How much is the total?”

(I tell them the total, with tax, which comes to just over $20.)

Customer: “Oh, okay!”

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