About A Foot Away From Total Meltdown

, , , | Working | September 22, 2017

(I am standing in line at a sandwich shop.)

Worker: “Hi. Can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, please. Can I get a foot-long Reuben sandwich?”

Worker: “Do you want a six-inch or twelve-inch?”

(The customer and I both look at her; I figure she just wasn’t paying attention.)

Customer: “A foot-long.”

Worker: “Okay, a six-inch or a twelve-inch?”

Customer: “A foot-long means twelve-inch.”

(She just looked blankly at him and got the bread out. The man was very polite and understanding with her. Someone else helped me, and the last time I looked, she only had bread cut and had no idea what she was supposed to do next. I wonder how long it was before he got his lunch?)

That’s His Story And He’s Stick-ing To It

, , , , , | Related | September 22, 2017

(While I sit at the dining room table on my computer, my older brother is sitting across from me, attempting to carve wood. He’s trying to get a knot out of the edge of the wood, and doing so in a very dangerous manner, hammering the point of the blade in with the handle of a different blade, while the blade in the wood is pointing towards his hand. Since he’s already proven to be accident-prone and easily injured, I speak up.)

Me: “I’m worried you’re going to hurt yourself.”

Brother: “Nah, it’s fine.”

(I sigh and turn back to my computer. Suddenly, my brother lets out a loud yelp!)

Brother: “It was the stick! The stick stabbed me, not the blade!”

Some People Go Dull Quicker Than Knives

, , , , , | Right | September 22, 2017

(I am working on family day when I have a customer come in.)

Customer: “I want a knife that never goes dull.”

Me: “That’s impossible.”

Customer: “Why is it impossible?”

Me: “Because after about 6,000 cuts, which is about six or seven months of using a kitchen knife, it starts to go dull, because the cutting board starts to dull the knife.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous. I had a kitchen knife that never went dull! You’re just selling us cheap, dollar-store brand knives.”

Me: “Ma’am, we are representing knives that have been around for hundreds of years. These companies have won many innovation awards, and are most commonly used by chefs who work in the culinary industry. Do you mind asking me what happened to your knife that never went dull?”

Customer: “It stopped cutting things after about a year, so I threw it out.”

Me: “…that’s because it went dull.”

Customer: “That’s just stupid; knives don’t go dull!”

(After about ten more minutes of explaining why eventually all knives go dull, she felt the need to call my district manager, who told her the same thing I did. Needless to say, she was not the sharpest knife in the drawer.)

Zip Past The Technological Requirements

, , , | Working | September 22, 2017

(A telemarketer is trying to sell me a new phone contract, which I do not want, over the phone. After a while:)

Telemarketer: “Plus, you get LTE coverage!”

Me: “Well, that’s no use, as my phone does not support LTE.”

Telemarketer: “Erm, as far as I can see, your zip code is LTE-capable.”

(Great to know that my zip code supports LTE. If only he could have told me how to use my zip code for surfing.)

Some People Should Not Be Approved For The Catalog

, , | Right | September 22, 2017

(I’m an order-taker for a catalog company.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “I just got y’all’s catalog, and I want to know what I’m approved for.”

Me: “I’m sorry; I didn’t quite catch that. Did you say ‘approved?’”

Caller: “Y’all sent me this catalog. Don’t that mean I been approved?”

Me: *still not quite understanding* “Um, there’s nothing in there that requires being approved.”

Caller: “You mean if I order something, I gots to PAY for it?!”

Me: “Yes, I—”

Caller: *click*

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