H2OMG

, , , , | Right | September 25, 2017

(I work at the front desk of a recreation center that has a pool in it. The pool is scheduled to shut down for annual maintenance, as it does every year. An elderly man comes in and walks up to me in a huff.)

Old Man: “Why are you closing the pool for a week this year?”

Me: “Sir, we always have. It’s an annual—”

Old Man: “Why? What’s wrong with the pool?!”

Me: “Sir, were resurfacing the bottom of the pool.”

Old Man: “Why can’t you just take the water off the bottom, and just leave the rest of the pool open?”

Cents-less Mathematics

, , , , , , | Working | September 24, 2017

(I am working at a sandwich shop part time, and having been there longer than most of the other staff, the general manager trusts me to know all of the cash register balancing procedures, and even train new managers, even though I don’t have the clearance to do the steps myself. A sandwich costs $7. Chips alone cost $1.50, and soda alone costs $2. Chips and drink combo added to the meal costs $2.50. I accidentally ring a guy up for the sandwich and his chips, but forget to hand him a cup and ring him out for a drink. [We were chatting, and we got distracted.] Rather than swipe his credit card again, he has a dollar ready in-hand, but in order to finish the transaction I need a manager override, which requires the manager to open the drawer with a fingerprint scanner. [Welcome to the future, guys.] I call over the manager on duty, a new hire, and explain the situation.)

Me: “He wants to add a drink to make it a meal, so he owes us a dollar for the cup. All we have to do is open a manager override, do a price override so the soda costs $1 instead of $2, and in the manager notes select ‘Customer Satisfaction.’”

Manager On Duty: *brushes me off* “I’ve got this.” *to the customer* “Sir, I need your credit card.”

(She swipes his card, refunds the whole transaction, swipes his card again, and charges the total of the chips and the sandwich. Then she swipes his card again to refund the order, leaves to grab a calculator, adds a bunch of numbers together, rings up the order with the sandwich and chips again, and stares, dumbfounded, at the computer. The whole process takes about five minutes. All the while, the customer and I are just staring at each other and at her in silence.)

Me: “[Manager], the difference is one dollar—”

Manager On Duty: “I said I got this. Uh… that will be forty cents, please.”

(The customer hands her his dollar and gets sixty cents back in change.)

Me: “Why did you–“

Manager On Duty: *waving her hand dismissively* “You just don’t get it. It’s simple math. I’ll explain it later.”

(She never did explain it…)

Dummy Knobs For Dummies

, , , , , | Working | September 24, 2017

(I’m purchasing hardware for our new front door.)

Me: *to guy working in the hardware department* “Excuse me, can you answer a probably-obvious question about doorknobs?”

Hardware Guy: “Sure.”

Me: “We’re installing a new door. I’ve got this keypad-operated deadbolt so that we don’t have to worry about locking ourselves out anymore. Since the deadbolt has a keypad and an actual key, I don’t think we need a locking door-knob, as well, right? So… here’s just a plain doorknob with no lock on it. It’s labelled ‘hall/closet,’ but can you think of any reason why I can’t use it on an exterior door?”

Hardware Guy: “Well, it’s for interior doors because it doesn’t have a lock on it.”

Me: “Yeah, I get that. But I don’t need it to have a lock on it, because I’m buying a separate keypad deadbolt. What I’m asking is if, like, the metal is for some reason not designed for exterior elements. See, this one looks exactly like the doorknobs with keys that are labeled as ‘entry’ doorknobs, same metal and everything, so I’d think they’d handle the weather just as well, yeah?”

Hardware Guy: “Those are entry doorknobs because they have a lock and key. This one doesn’t have a lock, so it’s for interior doors.”

Me: “…yes, I can read the labels. Let me start over. I need a knob for my front door, but I don’t need it to have a lock. So, I’m asking if I can just use this ‘hall/closet’ one. Can you think of any reason it won’t hold up to exterior conditions or whatever?”

Hardware Guy: “If you don’t need it to lock, why don’t you just use a dummy knob, then?”

Me: “Hm… maybe. Wait, what do you mean by a dummy knob?”

Hardware Guy: “Just a knob bolted to the door. It doesn’t turn, since it’s just there as a handle.”

Me: “Uhhh… no… the door still needs a doorknob to latch the door. We’re not just going to keep the deadbolt locked anytime the door is shut.”

Hardware Guy: *clearly tired of me* “Well, why don’t you just buy the entry knob with a lock then?”

Me: *sighing* “Well, I’d rather not since it’s just one more key to keep track of, and we might accidentally lock the doorknob from the inside and then lock ourselves out of the house. Hence, the deadbolt with a keypad; it locks when we need it to lock, but we can’t lock ourselves out.”

Hardware Guy: “I still think that what you’re looking for is a dummy knob.”

Me: *muttering* “You’re a dummy knob…”

(I wander off and find an older no-nonsense-looking woman working in the next aisle over. I ask her the same question; does she know if there is any reason why this key-less interior doorknob wouldn’t work on our exterior door?)

Hardware Lady: “If you want to re-tool the lock, you’ll have to go see [Other Employee] in the door department.”

Me: “What? No, I don’t need to re-tool anything. I’m just trying to make sure that this doorknob will be okay on an entry door.”

Hardware Lady: “Oh, we sell entry doorknobs with their own keys. Did you look in the door hardware section?”

Me: “…yes. I just said I don’t need an entry doorknob with a lock, since I’m buying this keypad deadbolt. It opens with a code, or with its own key, so the doorknob itself doesn’t need to have a lock on it.”

Hardware Lady: “Well, don’t you want the key to be the same for your other door?”

Me: “…what other door?”

Hardware Lady: “Your back door. Don’t you want the keys to be the same?”

Me: “Our back door just locks from the inside… wait, never mind. This isn’t about my back door.”

Hardware Lady: “I guess I don’t understand what you’re asking.”

Me: “Yeah, that’s obvious.”

(I bought the doorknob.)

Too Young For “It,” Never Too Young For Reading

, , , , , | Friendly | September 24, 2017

(I go to my local bookstore for the next installment of a series I’m currently reading. I find my book quickly and decide to browse the rest of the “Newly Released” shelves. The following two interactions happen within minutes of each other. A mother and high school-aged daughter stand beside me to look at the new releases.)

Mother: “Oh! I heard these two were both good!”

(I glance over and see she’s holding copies of “Everything, Everything” and “Before I Fall” for her daughter to see.)

Daughter: “Nah, I saw the movies already; I don’t need to read the books.”

Me: *eye twitches*

(Ten minutes later, a girl is walking by with her mother. She spots a display for Stephen King’s “IT” and runs over excitedly.)

Girl: “This one! I want to read this one!” *starts to pick up a copy*

Mom: “Oh, no! You don’t want that book. It’s scary!”

Girl: “But I like scary!”

Mom: “You’re too young to read that; put it back.”

Girl: *slowly puts the book down and glances over at me*

Me: *giving her a thumbs-up* “When you’re old enough to read it, you’ll love it!”

Girl: *smiles and follows her mother to the register*

(Faith lost a little and then restored in under twenty minutes!)

It’s A Man’s World

, , , , | Right | September 23, 2017

(I’m on my break and go to use the men’s room. A customer walks in and approaches me as I am washing my hands.)

Customer: “Is this the men’s room?”

Me: *face-palm*

(All of a sudden I hear my male manager laughing from the adjacent stall.)

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