“How To Be A Lawyer” For Dummies

, , , , , | Right | October 23, 2017

(An older woman comes up to buy a book for her granddaughter.)

Me: “Did you find everything okay?”

Customer: “Well, I did have a question. You see…”

(She goes on to tell me a very long story about how she is drowning in credit card debt and can’t make her payments, and how the bank is going to take away her house soon. The entire story takes about ten minutes.)

Customer: “…So, I guess my question is, do you have any books that I could buy so I don’t have to hire a lawyer?”

Me: *stunned* “Um. Well, we have a finance section over there.”

Customer: “Those books are too expensive; I can’t afford to buy them.”

Me: “All right. Well, your total is $29.59.”

Customer: *pays with a credit card*

(I didn’t say anything at the time, but lady, there is no book in the world that will replace a lawyer, and you should probably not use credit cards if you’re drowning in credit card debt.)

It’s Like Talking To A Vegetable

, , , | Right | October 23, 2017

(I am a second year university student working the front counter of a popular pizza shop late one night.)

Customer: “I want a meat-lovers pizza but without the meat.”

Me: “Ma’am, that would just be a cheese pizza, which you can order for half the price.”

Customer: “No, I want a vegetarian meat-lovers pizza. Just take the meat off and leave all the veggies.”

Me: “There are no vegetables on this pizza. Perhaps I can interest you in our veggie-lovers pizza instead?”

Customer: “Are you dumb?” *speaking extremely slowly* “I… want… a… vegetarian… meat-lovers… pizza.”

Me: “Of course, ma’am. One veggie meat-lovers.” *places order for veggie-lovers*

(The veggie pizza is given to the customer.)

Customer: “See, what was so hard about that? Maybe you should listen to your customers more. We obviously know the menu better than you dumb dropouts.”

Frying Up Some Dope Beats Tonight

, , , | Right | October 23, 2017

(I work at a student-run bar as a bartender. We’re doing a hamburger sale, so I’m frying hamburgers in an adjacent room of the bar. A customer comes up to me while I’m plunging hamburgers in a deep-fryer and says:)

Customer: “Hi, are you the DJ?”

(I couldn’t even answer.)

Don’t Want To LEAP To Conclusions, But…

, , , , | Right | October 22, 2017

(I work at a help desk for a hotel management software.)

Receptionist: “The software isn’t working.”

Me: “What’s wrong?”

Receptionist: “I’m trying to change the departure date, but it doesn’t let me do it.”

Me: “What date are you trying to set?”

Receptionist: “February 30.”

Me: “Try with February 28.”

Receptionist: “Oh, now it’s working. Why is there a problem with February 30?”

Me: “…”

A New Kind Of China Syndrome

, , , | Right | October 22, 2017

(I drive a delivery truck. I hand over an international package to a residence, so it requires a signature. A lady comes to the door.)

Lady: *as she’s signing* “What exactly am I signing for?”

(I give a standard answer indicating I don’t know the contents of the package, but I verify that I am at the correct address, and that the person named on the package does indeed live there. She confirms that she is the person to whom it was addressed.)

Lady: “Who sent it to me?”

Me: *looking at the label* “Uh… Not sure, but it’s coming from China…” *spots a packing list and sees “contents: 1 dress”* “…and it seems to be a dress.”

Lady:China? I ordered a dress from the Internet, not China!”

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