Sandwiches Are Extra Crunchy This Morning

, , , , | Working | January 22, 2018

(I have just gotten into work.)

Coworker: “I dropped a glass before, and I keep seeing glass everywhere.”

Me: “Did you vacuum it up?”

Coworker: “Yes, but there’s still some about.”

Me: “Here: this is a trick my mum taught me.”

(I take a few slices of bread and press them against the floor.)

Me: “See, it picks it up.”

Coworker: “That’s amazing, and so economical. I’ll use them for the sandwiches later.”

Me: “Well, no. I have to throw them out after.”

Coworker: “Why?”

Me: “Because there’s glass on them, and they’ve been on the floor.”

Coworker: *huffs* “Well, that’s not very vegan!”

Email Fail, Part 16

, , , | Working | January 22, 2018

(I work as an associate for a company, and am entitled to an email address as per their policy. While I receive information through it, I have it connected to my work email for my actual employer. The company has had an upgrade in their email software, and everyone has been allocated new roles and job titles and placed into a hierarchy. The IT lead for our office is taking us through the new system. A lot of questions come up, but he dodges every single one.)

Coworker: “Why does it say my line manager is [CEO]? I’ve literally never met her, and having nothing to do with her.”

IT: “That’s the new hierarchy; it’s much better than before!”

Coworker: “It says I’m a cleaner when it should say I’m an HSE Manager. I didn’t even think cleaners got email addresses.”

IT: “Everyone gets an email address with the new system!”

Me: “I’m not even part of your company, and it says I’m listed as your finance director.”

IT: “Like I said! Everyone!”

Me: “Yes, but listing me as your company’s sole finance director sounds like a pretty dangerous blunder, since I’m not in any way involved with your company’s finances, and [Company] and [My Employer] are considered competitors.”

IT: “Don’t worry about it. This new system is better!”

(So, we all tried to get on with the new system, but in a little over an hour I was inundated with emails regarding potentially the most commercially sensitive information concerning the company. I tried to get in touch with IT, but our lead had vanished, and the department had closed its lines due to “increased calls.” I was at a loss as to what to do, so I tried to get in touch with the actual finance director, who I found out had only been receiving menus, with instructions to laminate them, from an extremely irate receptionist in Cardiff. He was listed as an intern. He requested that I forward on the emails. I did, and within five minutes everyone got an email telling us that the system would be undergoing maintenance and instructing us to use the old system. The new system has been completely forgotten about now, and nearly half the IT department was fired after the blunder, including our lead. I got a personal thank-you and commendation from the CEO for maintaining neutrality during the incident. The manager for my actual employer often jokes that I should have forwarded everything on to him.)

Related:
Email Fail, Part 15
Email Fail, Part 14
Email Fail, Part 13

Skating Around The Answer

, , , , | Right | January 22, 2018

(I work at an ice rink and one of my duties is to pass out ice skates to customers.)

Me: *talking to approaching customer* “Hi, sir! What size skates can I get for you?”

Customer: “I need skates for my son, please.”

Me: “Okay, sure thing. What size is your son?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: *pause* “Neither do I.”

(The customer walked off, frustrated.)

We Don’t Think They Actually Know What A Chicken Is

, , , , , , | Right | January 21, 2018

(I am the manager on duty at a popular pizza and wing joint. It’s an uncharacteristically slow night, and I get a phone call from a very unhappy customer.)

Me: “Thank you for holding. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I got the wrong wings.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. May I have your phone number so that I can look up the order?”

Customer: “Yeah, it’s [number].”

Me: “Okay, great! Can you tell me why the wings are unsatisfactory?”

Customer: “I ordered boneless wings with no sauce, and I got chicken nuggets!”

(She did indeed order this, but as our night has been slow, I know for a fact they were made correctly; I made them, after all.)

Me: “I see. Your ticket confirms your order, so I have just a few questions. You received chicken wings without bones?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “And they had no sauce?”

Customer: “Right.”

Me: “So, you ordered boneless, no-sauce wings, and got boneless, no-sauce wings?”

Customer: “Yeah, but it has bread on it! They’re chicken nuggets!”

Me: “I’m afraid all of our boneless wings are breaded, ma’am. If you’d like, I’d be more than happy to make you some replacement wings of a different type.”

Customer: “But I don’t want nuggets!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I just don’t have non-breaded boneless wings.”

Customer: “I can’t believe this! I asked for boneless chicken breasts, and I got chicken nuggets! What is so hard about this?”

Me: “If you’re looking for full chicken breasts, ma’am, I suggest looking in [Grocery Store]. I’m sure they can accommodate you.”

Customer: “But I don’t want nuggets!”

One Day I’ll Guess Right

, , , , | Right | January 21, 2018

(I am a customer service representative for a utility company. This happens on almost a daily basis.)

Me: “May I have your account number so I can assist you?”

Customer: “Sure… Do you need the whole thing?”

Me: “Nope, just the first digit; I’ll just guess at the rest.”