I Gave Birth To A Guinea Pig

, , , | Right | January 29, 2008

Me: “Hi there, ma’am. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: *with her young son* “Yeah, could I have a piece of that bologna so my son can taste it?”

Me: “Sure. Would you like to try it, too?”

Customer: “Oh, no, thanks. I just want to see if my son is allergic.”

Me: “…”

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PINheaded

, , | | Right | January 23, 2008

Customer: “Hey, somebody painted the wall outside the branch I use!”

Me: “Yes, sir. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “Well, now I don’t know my PIN number!”

Me: “I’m sorry– I’m not sure what that has to do with the wall being painted.”

Customer: “I wrote my PIN number on the wall beside the ATM! NOW what am I supposed to do?!”

Me: “…”

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Ask And Ye Shall Receive

, , , | Right | January 19, 2008

(It’s December 24th, the last day for Christmas shopping.)

Customer: “Do you have a Nintendo Wii?”

Me: “No, sir, unfortunately we are all sold out.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “It’s just pretty much the top holiday item, sir, and we have been selling out of the Wiis non-stop since last November.”

Customer: “When do you get them in?”

Me: “I don’t know. Not until after February, probably.”

Customer: “D**n it! I have kids, you know! Show some sympathy!”

Me: “So do probably 70 of the 100 people in line behind you, sir. Now, is there anything else I can help you with?”

Customer: “What if I slip you a $20?”

Me: “What about, no.”

Customer: *obviously thinking I’m stupid* “Well, sell me the box you have right there up on the corner of your shelf, you liar!”

Me: “I can’t sell it to you, but I guess I could give it to you for free if it makes you feel better. There’s nothing in there, by the way…”

(Customer apparently completely ignores that last line.)

Customer: “H***, YEAH! I GOT MYSELF A WII! HAHAHAHAHA! MERRY CHRISTMAS, SUCKERS!”

(Crowd stands with death glares fixated on me and the guy.)

Me: *hands him the box* “Merry Christmas… Next person, please.”

Customer: “WHAT THE F***?! GOD D***! S***! There’s nothing in this d*** box!”

Next Customer: “That’s because he said that was just a display box. He gave it to you just so you could be happy and you accepted it, moron!”

(The crowd of customers returned to holiday mode.)

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At Least She Has The General Idea

, , , | | Right | January 1, 2008

Bored Teen: “Yeah. I’m looking for this book, When I Drop Dead?”

Me: “I can’t seem to find it in the system. Do you know who the author is?”

Bored Teen: “I dunno. Flooker or Flocker or something.”

(A light goes on in my head.)

Me: “Do you mean AS I LAY DYING, by WILLIAM FAULKNER?”

Bored Teen: *explosive sigh* “Yeah. Whatever. That.”

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Might I Also Suggest A Dictionary

, , | | Right | December 31, 2007

Customer: “Hi. I need a threesis.”

Clerk: “A… pardon?

Customer: “You know– a threesis. It has other words that mean the same as the word you look up.”

Clerk: “Oh, do you mean a thesaurus?”

Customer: “Duh! That’s a dinosaur! I need a threesis!”

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