A Date To Remember

, , , | Right | October 25, 2017

(It is currently July 2014. I am a Canadian visiting the US. My birthday is April 12, 1993, and since I’m from Canada my ID says “12/04/1993”. One day, I go to the bar.)

Bouncer: “Can I see some ID, please?”

Me: “Oh, yes. Here it is.”

(I hand him my ID.)

Bouncer: “Sorry, you can’t enter unless you’re 21 years old.”

Me: “But I am 21!”

Bouncer: “Sorry, your ID says that you’re only turning 21 in December.”

(I understand his mistake and I laugh.)

Me: “No, actually, I’m from Canada. I was born on April 12. The order of the dates go ‘day, month, year’ where I’m from.”

Bouncer: “How stupid do you think I am? Get out of here.”

(I ended up getting kicked out of the bar.)

Seize Any Opportunity

, , , , , | Right | October 25, 2017

(I’m not a paramedic, but I am trained to deal with epilepsy and seizures. While at a store, a customer starts having a seizure. I rush over and start helping, when someone else jumps in.)

Customer #1: “Give him CPR!”

Me: “He doesn’t need CPR; his heart is fine.”

Customer #1: “He’ll stop breathing. Move out of the way!”

Me: “He’s having a seizure!”

Customer #1: “Move! I’ll help him!”

(He tries pushing me out of the way, but instead falls on the ground.)

Customer #1:She hurt me! So much pain!”

Customer #2: “Dude, I saw what happened. Get away from her!”

(He grumbled a bit and left. The customer on the floor was fine, and did not need CPR.)

Too Chicken To Go To Your Competitor

, , , , , , , , | Right | October 24, 2017

(At our supermarket deli, we sell two types of oven-roasted chickens. The supermarket brand is barn-raised and comes in a brown bag, while the name-brand is free-range, $1 extra, and comes in a green bag. We cut the chickens in half upon request. It is one to two hours before closing, and the oven has been turned off for the day so it can be cleaned. Our large batch of cooked chickens has managed to sell really well; there is only one “normal,” or barn-raised, chicken and two of the name-brand, free-range chickens left in the warmer. A customer comes up to the counter.)

Customer #1: “Hi, could I please get half a chicken?”

Me: “Sure thing! Just the normal one, or did you want the free-range?”

Customer #1: “Just the normal one, thanks.”

(As I get out my plate and scissors, another customer pipes up.)

Customer #2: “Can I have the other half?”

Me: “Yep, no worries!”

(I cut the chicken and give each customer half. The customers leave, satisfied. At this point, another customer who has been standing further away, but who has been eyeing the warmer this entire time, approaches the counter.)

Customer #3: “I’d like a hot chicken, please.”

Me: “Okay. We’ve sold out of our normal chickens, but you can grab a free-range one right here.” *gestures towards two free-range chickens remaining, only $1 more than the barn-raised ones*

Customer #3: “No, I don’t want the free-range one; I want the normal one.”

Me: “Okay, well, I’m really sorry, but it’s 7:30 and our oven has been turned off for the day so it can be cleaned, and this was our last batch—”

Customer #3: “Don’t just say sorry. I can’t eat ‘sorry.’”

Me: *slightly taken aback* “Um… Well, there’s a [Roast Chicken and Chips Store] just next door, so you can try there—”

Customer #3: “I don’t want their chicken. I want a [Supermarket Brand] chicken, now.”

(At this point, I am completely at a loss. Thankfully, my coworker comes back from her break, and I wave her over and quickly explain the situation. My coworker is a few years younger than I am, and has far less patience for difficult customers than I do.)

Coworker: *talking slowly like she’s talking to a five-year-old, complete with over-dramatic hand gestures* “We’ve run out of our normal chickens tonight. We only have the free-range ones left.”

Customer #3: “I don’t want the free-range chickens.”

Coworker: *continuing her condescending tone* “Okay, well, I’m sorry, but our oven is being cleaned, so we can’t magic up a chicken for you. If you like, you can always go next door and grab a chicken from [Roast Chicken and Chips Store].”

(They go back and forth a little while, and I have to clench my teeth so I don’t start laughing. The customer keeps reiterating that he “can’t eat ‘sorry’” and “wants a [Supermarket Brand] chicken.” Thankfully, the late hour means it’s relatively quiet in the store, and nobody else comes up to the deli during this exchange.)

Customer #3: “Maybe I’ll just take my business to [Rival Supermarket], then.”

Me: *in the politest, most helpful voice I can muster* “You’re welcome to do that, if you like.”

Customer #3: “That’s all you have to say? You’re just going to let me go to [Rival Supermarket]?”

Me: “You’re a free person, sir, in a free country. I’m in no place to stop you from doing what you want to do.”

([Customer #3] seems to stammer a bit, then shrugs his shoulders.)

Customer #3: “I just feel like I came all this way from [Suburb ten minutes away] for a hot chicken, and I deserve at least a voucher or something.”

(My coworker, who has gotten well and truly sick of dealing with him, whips around.)

Coworker: “You want a voucher? Okay, we’ll give you a voucher.”

(She rifles through the drawers until she finds the vouchers for free chickens. I stop myself from pointing out that the customer “can’t eat vouchers.” Instead, I turn back to the customer.)

Me: “You say you’re from [Suburb]? Next time you come here late like this, just give us a call earlier during the day and tell us you want to reserve a chicken. All you have to do is give us your name and the time you’ll come to pick it up, and we’ll keep one aside for you, so this doesn’t happen again.”

Customer #3: “No, that won’t be necessary.”

Me: *feigning concern* “I just don’t want you to have to go through the trouble of driving all the way here, as you said, and finding out we’ve run out of chickens. It’s really simple; you just have to ring up and tell us next time to save you a chicken.”

Customer #3: “No, I know what to do for next time. It’s fine.”

(The customer got his voucher and left. I suspect that he waited until all the barn-raised chickens had been bought so he could try and wheedle a voucher out of us. Judging from his reaction to my last suggestion, he was probably a repeat offender!)

An Unorthodox View Of Gluten

, , , , , , | Working | October 24, 2017

(At meetings, we often have lunch provided, usually pizza, paid for in turns by coworkers. We have a new secretary, and she comes in and starts complaining.)

Secretary: “I don’t eat gluten, and there’s no gluten-free pizza here.”

Coworker: “Sorry. We didn’t know. But it’s kind of informal, so if you have unusual diet restrictions, you probably will have to provide your own lunch.”

Secretary: “Well, you have vegetarian options.”

Coworker: “We have a lot of vegetarians, and vegetarian pizza is easy; just get cheese.”

Secretary: “Well, I’m the only one who doesn’t get lunch!”

Coworker: *points to coworker who is Orthodox Jewish* “We don’t have anything for [Coworker]. He just brings his own, because we never get pizza from a place that keeps kosher.”

Secretary: “Well, that’s just his preference. I don’t eat gluten because of a very deep-seated belief!”

Coworker: “You mean like a religion? Like, say, Judaism?”

What Are You Doing For Me?

, , , , , , | Right | October 24, 2017

(My husband and I witness this exchange as we’re getting a sub to split at a local grocery store. They are offering eight pieces of fried chicken for $6.99, and the offer includes two breasts, two thighs, two drumsticks, and two wings. A customer comes up to the deli counter and the following happens:)

Customer: “I want to get your eight-piece chicken, and give me all breasts. I don’t want none of them other pieces. Ain’t enough meat on ’em.”

Deli Manager: “Ma’am, we only offer the deal as listed. We can’t change the pieces, as the breasts are more expensive.”

Customer: “I don’t see where it says nothin’ like that.”

Deli Manager: *pointing to one of several prominently-displayed signs that list the details of the chicken deal* “Ma’am, we have signs listed in several areas in the deli department detailing what you get.”

Customer: *trying another tactic* “Well, the last guy that was workin’ here did it for me.”

Deli Manager: “No employee of this store is allowed to alter the contents of the fried chicken special. If they did so in the past, they did so in error.”

Customer: *getting desperate* “Aw, come on! I don’t never have this problem anywhere else. [Chicken Restaurant #1] does it for me, [Chicken Restaurant #2] does it for me, and [Chicken Restaurant #3] does it for me…”

(As she’s going through a rather lengthy list of fast-food chicken places that supposedly accommodate her need for chicken breasts, I’m rather admiring her tenacity. Then it goes off the rails a bit.)

Customer: “[Burger Joint #1] does it for me, [Burger Joint #2] does it for me, [Sandwich Shop] does it for me, [Burger Joint #3] does it for me, [Taco Place] does it for me…”

(She continues to list restaurants that have never, EVER to my knowledge served fried whole pieces of chicken. Eventually, her embarrassed husband begins to walk away from her, and it’s not long before she gives up the fight and follows. But as she’s leaving we can still hear her arguing with her husband…)

Customer: “But I know [Pizza Delivery Place] did it for me that one time!”

(I look at the exasperated deli manager and, with a huge smile on my face, I say:)

Me: “Can you give us a free sub? I’m sure [Coffee Shop] would do it for us!”

Page 416/492First...414415416417418...Last