No, There’s Not An App For That

, , , | Healthy | January 15, 2018

(I work for a vet clinic.)

Me: “[Clinic]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, my dog is coughing. Do you know why?”

Me: “Well, that could be any number of reasons. You’d really need to come in for us to know.”

Customer: “Oh, so, you can’t diagnose over the phone?”

Me: “No?”

Not Feeling This Story Anymore

, , , , , | Working | January 15, 2018

(I work in the fitting room. One of my duties is answering all incoming telephone calls. One day it is rather slow. A coworker is hanging out near the fitting room, and we are chatting.)

Coworker: “When I was in high school, my youth pastor would have us all over to his house and—”

(The phone rings.)

Coworker: “—I’ll finish my story after you get that.”

Me: *not really paying much attention to what I’m saying* “Thank you for calling [Store]. How may I feel you today?”

(My coworker bursts out laughing. I don’t know if the customer noticed, because she didn’t say anything about it, just asked to be transferred to a certain department.)

Coworker: “I’m not going to finish my story. It can’t compete with that.”

Where Can I Find The Lacto-Free Cows?

, , , , , | Related | January 15, 2018

(My siblings and I are over at our parents’ house for dinner, and my sister has brought some un-homogenized whole milk from a local dairy. My dad’s doctor has recently encouraged him to cut down on animal fats for his health.)

Dad: “I can’t have that. There’s too much fat.”

Sister: “That’s all right. We’ll just pour you some before we shake it and then take off the cream.”

Dad: “No, it still comes from a whole cow.”

Brother: “A… whole cow?”

Dad: “Yeah. I can only drink milk from skim cows.”

Brother: “That’s not how it works.”

Dad: “Yes it is. There are skim cows, 2% cows, and whole cows.”

Me: “What about 1%?”

Dad: “I guess they have 1% cows, too.”

Me: “And does chocolate milk come from brown cows?”

Dad: “No, that’s stupid.”

(He didn’t understand why we all thought that was funny.)

Not Everyone Has A Background In Computing

, , , , | Right | January 15, 2018

(I work in a computer store. It is very common for customers, particularly older ones, to be baffled by our technology, and I often find myself explaining the most basic of basics to uncomprehending tech newbies. One afternoon, I get a call from a kindly-sounding gentleman who I can tell is going to need some special assistance.)

Me: “Hello, [Business]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi! You sell used monitors there, right?”

Me: “Yes, we do! We have about thirty in the store right now, prices ranging from $79 to $225.”

Customer: “Excellent! What background colours do you have?”

(It took me five minutes to explain to him that the background on a computer monitor was changeable, like his TV set at home, and not preset by the factory.)

The Wrapping Isn’t Free

, , , , | Right | January 15, 2018

(I am sitting in a restaurant enjoying a meal when I observe this exchange. It makes me feel good.)

Diner #1: *looking at the meal that has just been set in front of him* “What is this? There isn’t [price] worth of food here!”

Diner #2: *speaking from a third table* “Did you take in to account the cost of the restaurant wrapped around your plate?”

Waitress: *looking at [Diner #2], mouthing the words* “Thank you!”

Diner #1: “…”

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