Beware The People Of Tottenham

, , , , , | Right | August 2, 2020

Me: “Hello.”

Customer: “N17.”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “I’d like to buy [circular saw] and [nail gun].”

Me: “Okay, let me get you logged in. What’s your surname?”

Customer: “N17.”

Me: “No, your surname.”

Customer: “I’ll give you my postcode.”

Me: “I need both. Give me your surname first.”

Customer: “N17.”

Me: “Right, N17. And your surname?”

Customer: “N17.”

Me: “No, I’ve got that. I need your surname.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Your surname. Your second name. Family name?”

Customer: “Oh, right.”


Me: “Surname?”

Customer: “Steven.”

Me: “Right… Oh, that’s not showing anything. Do you have an account here?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Okay, let me try something else. Do you work for a company maybe?”

Customer: “No, I don’t work.”

Me: “Okay… Let’s try your street address.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “What street do you live on?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Customer: “Just do the postcode.”

Me: “That’s not enough to go on. What street do you live on?”

Customer: “I can’t remember.”

Me: “Right, let’s try your first name.”

Customer: “My name?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Customer: “Steven.”

Me: “Your name is Steven Steven?”

Customer: “What? No.”

Me: “So what’s your name?”

Customer: “Steven.”

Me: “Steven what?”

Customer: “Steven… N17.”

Me: “Sorry, did you say you wanted to buy power tools?”

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Someone Please Explain…

, , , , | Right | August 1, 2020

A customer comes in, clearly flustered, and places two separate orders on my belt. She explains that she is shopping for two different “clients” and that she is unfamiliar with how to do it. During the explanation, she becomes somewhat frustrated before I have rung everything. I allow her to explain how she would like them rung, though it is fairly obvious, and begin to ring as we talk. The first order goes through. She is getting ready to pay.

Customer: “Okay, so the first one has food stamps; I don’t think they’re enough, but let’s see…” *swipes card*

Me: “It got declined, but there’s enough for most of this order if you want to pay the rest cash, or we can put something back…”

Customer: “No, no, we’ll just put those hot dogs on the other order and make him pay for them; that’ll fix it.”

Me: “We could have her pay what she can, take the balance off of her card, and then let him pay for his with his food stamps and the little that she has leftover, as well.”

Customer: “Huh? I just want to move the hot dogs so that she can afford the food.”

Me: “I can run this through as one order, take the right amount off of each card, have her pay more, and have him pay less, and it’ll be really easy. Trust me.”

Customer: “No. Just move the hot dogs to the other order. I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

Still not grasping how stupid this woman is…

Me: “If they were both standing in front of me, she had six dollars’ worth of stuff and was one dollar short, I could ring everything up, take her five dollars, and then take his money so that she has none left, and he didn’t have to pay any more than he should have to. Make sense? I can do that with cards, too.”

Customer: “I still don’t get it. Just move the hot dogs to the other order, so she can pay for her order.”

Me: *Resigned* “Okay.”

The customer leaves, and I take a deep breath and let it out before I say hello to the next customer. I’m clearly frustrated.

Me: “Sorry about that. How is your day going?”

Customer #2: “Much better than yours, apparently. Wow, was she stupid! Do you see that kind of thing every day?”

Me: “No, not every day. Some days are special.”

Customer #2: “Thank God, because if you did, they should put out tip jars and let you guys get paid a little more for the service. Nobody should have to put up with that every day, no matter who they are.”

Normally, the exchange with the first customer would put me in a bad mood for most of the shift, but because the next customer understood, I was able to shake it off in five minutes flat. Thank you!

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Burning Non-Existent Bridges

, , , , , | Right | August 1, 2020

Customer: “Hi, can you tell me how to get to the bridge to Vancouver?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but there is no bridge to Vancouver.”

Customer: “Well, that’s impossible; I came over on a bridge!”

Me: “The only way to get on the island is to travel by ferry or plane. I promise there is no bridge to Vancouver.”

Customer: “This is terrible service!”

She hasn’t purchased anything.

Customer: “I can’t believe someone that lives here doesn’t know where the bridge is!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t know about a bridge to Vancouver.”

The customer storms out. A few minutes later, the guy working in the store next door comes in on his break and starts telling me about this unbelievable idiot he just had. I interrupt, asking if it was the bridge lady. Sure was!

Customer: “How do I get to the bridge to Vancouver?”

Coworker: “There is no bridge to Vancouver, ma’am.”

Customer: “YES. THERE. IS! I swear I came over on a bridge! How does no one know about it? It was called the Johnson bridge?”

Coworker: “OH! Do you mean the Johnson Street bridge? That’s close to here, but it doesn’t go to Vancouver, just to a suburb of Victoria.”

Customer: “YES! That’s the bridge to Vancouver! The Johnson Street Bridge! How do I get there?”

Coworker: *Gives up* “Turn left at the next lights and stay left; you can’t miss it.”

The customer leaves.

Coworker: “Have a great time in Esquimalt!”

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Thought You Knew The Customers Front And Back

, , , | Right | July 31, 2020

I am standing in the middle of the restaurant when a guest walks up to me, clearly intent on asking a question. Our bathrooms are tucked away in the back of the restaurant and our most asked question by far is, “Where is your bathroom?” which I am getting prepared to answer before she even asks. Then, she comes out of left field with this gem, pointing to the front door.

Guest: “Is that the front door?”

I can only assume my smile melted away to a look of confusion and concern as I stammered out a response that, yes, indeed, the laws of space and time still applied, and the front of the restaurant was still where the front door had always been and will always be located. But I was taken aback by the absolute lunacy of the question.

That door, ma’am? With the giant window pointing to the street? Is that the front door? I’ve seriously lost sleep over this whole thing, producing only more questions than answers. Questions like, how did she get into the restaurant?

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Found A Gap In Your Social Security

, , , , | Right | July 31, 2020

A woman storms up to my teller window.

Customer: “Why did you people call me at ten pm?!”

Me: “Ma’am, we close at five.”

Customer: “Your call center, then! Someone from this bank called me at ten pm last night.”

Me: “Our call center closes at eight.”

Customer: “Don’t give me that! [Bank] called me at ten pm. They said it was urgent, and they needed my card number!”

Me: “Ma’am, no one from [Bank] will ever call you and ask for your card number, especially not at ten pm. We have all your information. We don’t need to ask for it. What you had was a scammer.”

Customer: *Pause* “Oh.”

Me: “Did you give this scammer any of your banking information?”

Customer: “Of course not. Are you calling me stupid?! I’m not stupid!”

Me: “Not at all. I don’t want a scammer cleaning out your bank account. So, did you give them any information at all? Card number, account number, Social Security number?”

Customer: “Um… I may have given them my card number.”

Me: “Okay, that’s a fairly easy fix. I can order you a new card. Did you give them anything else?”

Customer: “I didn’t give them my Social Security number! See, I’m not stupid!”

Me: “I’m glad to hear it. How about your account number?”

Customer: “Uh…”

She gives me a guilty look.

Me: “All right. So, you need a new account and a new debit card. Please have a seat at the desk next to the door. One of my bankers will be right with you. They’ll also need to see your ID.”

Customer: “But why?!”

Me: *sigh*

This story is part of our July 2020 Roundup – the best stories of the month!

Read the next July 2020 Roundup story!

Read the July 2020 Roundup!

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