Their Brain Is 0.11 Karats

, , , | Right | June 12, 2017

(I work at a precious metals refinery. Like it sounds, we buy precious metals. I get a phone call from a customer who asks me what we will pay for a triple band ring. That being rather vague, I have to ask some follow-up questions:)

Me: “What karat of ring is it?”

Caller: “It’s, uh… I don’t know what karat it is.”

Me: “Okay, we can’t give you a quote without that information, but just as an estimate, if it was 14 karat it would be—”

Caller: “No, it’s not 14 karat. How much for a triple band ring?”

Me: “Again, I can’t give you a quote without knowing what type of metal it is, but if you brought it in, we’d be able to give you an accurate estimate.”

Caller: “Okay, thanks anyway.”

(Ten minutes later he calls back.)

Caller: “How much for a .11 karat ring?”

Me: “I’m afraid there’s no such thing as .11 karat.”

Caller: “But I need to know how much it would be.”

Me: “And I’m still going to need to know what gold karat it is.”

Caller: “It’s not gold.”

Me: “So it’s… silver?”

Caller: “Yeeaaahhh.”

Me: “Okay, well, an average silver band would weigh about 5 grams, which would give you about $4.00.”

Caller: “That doesn’t sound right. It’s not that small! It’s point 11 karats!”

Me: “Wait, you mean weight? As in, .11 carats?”

Caller: “Yeah.”

Me: “Okay, well, give me a minute.”

(I assume that he has a small jeweler’s scale and has weighed it in diamond weights — carats — because he couldn’t figure out how to change the scale to grams or pennyweights. Not being all that familiar with carats since we don’t do gemstones, I Google the conversion factor. I am sure that something has gone wrong, however, when I see the results of my search.)

Me: “Uh, sir, .11 carats turns out to be less than a thousandth of a gram.”

Caller: “Okay.”

Me: “You can’t have a ring that weighs less than a thousandth of a gram. It’s physically impossible.”

Caller: “That’s what he said.”

Me: “That would mean your ring weighed less than 1/2,000th of a penny.”

Caller: “I called the jeweler I bought it from and that’s what he said.”

Me: “Oh, the stone in your ring weighs .11 carats! Unfortunately, we don’t buy stones of any type. We’d only be able to buy the metal, and I’d need a weight on that to give you an accurate quote.”

Caller: “It’s point 11 carats!”

Me: “Again, that is for your stone. We cannot buy the stone from you. The metal itself has an entirely different weight. Did the jeweler tell you a weight for the metal?”

Caller: *getting really angry* “No. Look, don’t you have any point 11 carat rings around the shop that you could weigh up for me to see how much it would be?”

(I had absolutely no words for this. Apparently this man believes that every ring in the world with a certain stone size has the same weight. At this point, I decided to stop arguing with him.)

Me: “No. We don’t. You’ll just have to come in to get a quote on it.”

Caller: “Fine. Goodbye.”

(20 minutes later, I’m working on another order, so my boss answers the phone. A few minutes later I hear my boss say “Sir, .11 is not a karat.”)

You Get It’s For Security But You Really Don’t

, , , , | Right | June 12, 2017

(A customer is buying $100 in gift cards to a couple different stores and restaurants. It is company policy that a manager must verify any credit card used to purchase gift cards with photo ID.)

Me: “That will be $100.00. And how are you paying today?”

Customer: “Credit card.”

Me: “All right, I just need my supervisor to verify the transaction.” *calls supervisor over*

(My supervisor verifies her card with ID and the customer pays silently. After the payment goes through, the customer speaks up.)

Customer: “Why do you have to check my ID?! I mean, what if it was really busy? They trust you with cash so why don’t you just do the sale? This is so inconvenient.”

Me: “I apologize, but it is company policy that  a supervisor must verify your credit card with ID to prevent credit card theft. We’ve had stolen credit cards used here in the past.”

Customer: “I get that it’s for security, but, like, this is so inconvenient!” *storms off*

The Sauce Of Their Confusion

, , , , | Working | June 10, 2017

(I go to get a hotdog from a stand. The man puts it in the bun and automatically reaches for the sauces.)

Me: “Oh, no, could I just have it plain, please?”

Employee: “What?”

Me: “No ketchup or mustard.”

Employee: “But I don’t know how to make it without them.”

Me: “Just don’t put them on.”

Employee: *spends a while mentally processing this then hands me the hotdog, still looking confused*

PIN-ned That Down Too Easily

, , , | Right | June 10, 2017

(I used to work in a call center where we would ask for a customer’s PIN, which is what they created to verify their identity for when they called regarding their account.)

Coworker: “Good morning! This is [Business]. Can I have your name, please?”

(Pause.)

Coworker: “Okay, great! Can I have your PIN?”

(Pause.)

Coworker: “It’s okay if you can’t remember it, ma’am. I’ll just ask you for some other information to verify your identity.”

(My coworker then asks her a few questions.)

Coworker: “Okay, thank you very much. Do you want to update your PIN or would you like me to tell you what it is?”

(Pause.)

Coworker: “That’s not a problem. The PIN you set up was 7727.”

(My coworker freaks out then hits the mute button to snort loudly before jumping back on the call.)

Coworker: “Uh… y-yes, that’s just fine. N-not a problem. You have a nice day.”

(She turns around to talk to me.)

Coworker: “When I gave that lady her PIN she said ‘Oh, it’s the same as my bank PIN! That’s what I put in the ATM!’ I can’t believe she told me that! Now I can’t un-know that!”

(Hours later.)

Coworker: “That lady’s bank PIN is still in my head! I can’t get it out of my head! Why did she have to tell me that?!”

Idiot, Name Thyself

, , , , , | Right | June 8, 2017

(A few days after Christmas, I come down with a flu bug that is going around, so I go to the after-hours clinic in our local city. When we arrive, there is at least a two-hour wait, so I sit patiently waiting my turn. About an hour in, one of the nurses comes out, and the following occurs:)

Nurse: “[Woman]?”

(She looks around the waiting room, and then into the hallway, calling her name a few times, then back into the office. Ten minutes later, after three other patients have gone back.)

Nurse: “[Woman]?”

(She looks around again in the waiting room and into the hallway, obviously getting frustrated, then back into the office. Ten more minutes pass, and more patients are escorted into the office. About this time, a very nicely dressed woman steps up to the nurse’s station asking how much longer of a wait she will have. The nurse behind the desk is looking at the list when another nurse comes out calling another patient’s name, and when they don’t answer, the nurse behind the desk points to the woman standing in front of her.)

Nurse: “[Woman]?”

Woman: *rudely* “No, my name is [Other Name], but my given name is [Woman]. I just choose not to answer to it.”

(The nurses inwardly face-palmed, and the patients in the waiting room burst out laughing.)

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