They Should Just Get “Dumb & Dumber”

, , , , | Right | November 12, 2018

(In my store, we have some cheaper movies that we sell for buy-two-get-one-free, as long as they are under a certain price range. A couple are shopping for a few films.)

Me: “Hello there. Is there anything I can help you guys find today?”

Husband: “We came in earlier and bought [Film], and we just came back for [Sequel], and we’re just looking around a bit.”

Me: “I’m glad we had the movies you’re looking for! Also, keep in mind that all the movies on these racks are buy-two-get-one-free, so if you decide to pick up another movie with [Sequel], you can get a third for free.”

Wife: “How does that work?”

Me: “We just have a deal on all our movies that are under $5 for buy-two-get-one-free.”

Husband: “But how would that work? Do we have to pay for all three, then?”

Wife: “Doesn’t that make the rest of the movies more expensive?”

Me: “Um… No, it just makes some movies that aren’t worth too much a better deal.”

Wife: “But what happens if we only buy two?”

Me: “Then they would be the full price of just the two movies, but if you’re getting two you might as well get a third one for free.”

Husband: “I don’t have the money for three, though!”

(This continued on for another five minutes before eventually I kind of gave up on trying to explain how the sale worked. They bought three movies, were surprised how cheap they were, and left.)

Not A Very Relaxing Encounter

, , , , | Right | November 11, 2018

(I lifeguard at a local pool, and one of the rules we have to enforce is no long breath-holding. The reason is that the patrons can look dead. Usually it’s not enforced because the kids are clearly still alive, but not in this case. I notice a woman lying face-down in the water, completely motionless. As I watch her, wondering if she’s unconscious, she sits back up. I hop out of the chair, and walk over to her.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, but I’m afraid you can’t lie face-down in the water like that.”

Woman: “Why?”

Me: “Because from the lifeguard’s perspective you could be drowning.”

Woman: “No, if I was drowning I’d be more relaxed. That’s how you can tell I’m not drowning; I’m not relaxed enough.”

Me: “Well, you looked pretty relaxed from where I was, and I couldn’t properly tell, so—”

Woman: “No, I wasn’t relaxed enough. If I was drowning I’d be all relaxed. Trust me. My friend’s a lifeguard; he knows all about this stuff.”

Me: *wearing my guard shorts, shirt, fanny pack, and whistle, and carrying the rescue tube* “Well, be that as it may, it’s still the rule, so if you didn’t do it anymore, I’d appreciate it.”

(She did stop, or at least, until I rotated out from that chair.)

Triple Trouble

, , | Right | November 10, 2018

(I’m making a reservation and the guest is using an AAA discount.)

Me: “Okay, so that brings your rate down to [rate]. Now I need your AAA number.”

Caller: “Okay, just a moment, please.”

(I hear touch tone sounds.)

Me: “Uh, ma’am? Are you trying to enter the number touch tone? I actually just need to hear—” *click* “Hello? Are you still there?”

(About half an hour later:)

Me: “[Hotel], this is [My Name], how may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I called a little while ago and we were disconnected. I wanted a room for tonight.”

Me: “Oh, yes, a King Suite for tonight, AAA rate, correct?”

Caller: “Yes, that’s right.”

Me: “Okay, I just need your AAA number.”

Caller: “It’s [phone number].”

Me: “Ma’am, is that your phone number?”

Caller: “No! That’s my AAA number!”

Me: “Okay, I’m just… I’m just going to go ahead and give you the ten-percent discount, but not take your AAA number, okay?”

Caller: “Thank you!”

(The rest of the reservation went smoothly; I’m not sure why the AAA number was so gosh-darned hard!)

Thinking Outside Their Box

, , , , , | Right | November 10, 2018

(I’m the stupid one in this story. At the airport, you need to empty your pockets and put your belongings in small black containers. While I do that, I absentmindedly stare at my wallet and phone and decide I don’t want to put them in a box. Instead, I keep them in my hands and walk through the scanner. Of course it goes nuts and I’m flagged down by a staff member. He sees my phone and wallet, looks at me, looks at his colleagues, and shouts:)

Staff Member: ”Hey, [Colleague], we’ve got a clever one here!”

(I almost died.)

So Long, And Thanks For All The Fish

, , , , | Right | November 10, 2018

(I am having a rather large yard sale and am running around setting stuff up and trying to answer questions. An older woman flags me down, who is looking at a small “as-seen-on-TV,” easy-clean fish tank.)

Woman: “Hey, excuse me!”

Me: “Yes, how can I help you?”

Woman: “Does this tank include the fish?”

(I look down at the completely waterless fish tank sitting on the table with the few parts for it inside.)

Me: “Uh… no, but all the parts are there.”

Woman: “Okay, thanks… I was going to get it for my grandson, but it’s useless without the fish.”

(I had no problem selling it, even though the fish were not included.)

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