Cooking In High Definition

, | Adelaide, Australia | Right | May 16, 2010

Customer: “I will take one of these.” *points to a small white microwave oven*

Me: “Certainly, sir. Come right this way.”

(The customer goes to the checkout counter and pays for goods.)

Customer: “So, will I need an antenna for this?”

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A Not So Bitter End

, , , , | Right | April 28, 2010

Customer: “Are you in charge of the salad bar?”

Me: “Of course. I make sure all the food is fresh. Was something wrong?”

Customer: “Your dressings are too sweet!”

Me: “We buy our dressings pre-packaged, but it is possible that something went wrong somewhere along the way. Which one was it?”

Customer: “The dressing!”

Me: “They are all too sweet?”

Customer: “Were you born simple? The dressing is sweet!”

Me: “Is it red, orange, white, or brown?”

Customer: “The brown one is too sweet!”

Me: “That’s the balsamic vinaigrette. It shouldn’t be sweet at all, but I will pull it and put out a new container of dressing for you.”

Customer: “Thank you! Was that so difficult?”

(I begin to pull the only brown dressing we have and she stops me.)

Customer: “My God, you are such an idiot! You’re pulling the wrong d*** dressing!”

Me: “You said the brown dressing, right? I am pulling the brown dressing like you asked.”

Customer: “Not that dressing, you idiot, this brown dressing. You are so stupid!” *points*

Me: “You mean the chocolate pudding?”

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Fishing For The Truth

, , , , | Right | March 20, 2010

(A tourist couple comes in at lunchtime. The woman orders crawfish bisque, a rich dish served with stuffed crawfish. I bring the food to their table, but she lets out a scream, pointing frantically at her plate.)

Customer: “What’s that!”

Me: “It’s crawfish, ma’am. It’s what you ordered.”

Customer: “That’s not a fish! That’s a bug! Get it away from me; that’s horrible!”

Me: “Ma’am, I promise you, that’s a crawfish. They’re not actually fish, they’re like little lobsters. Would you like me to show you how to break one open?”

Customer: “Do you think I’m stupid? I know what a fish looks like! I’m calling the Health Department!”

(She asks the manager for a phone book and uses the restaurant phone. The manager asks me to pick up the extension so I can help explain the situation.)

Customer: “I am at [Restaurant] and they just served me food with giant bugs in it!”

Health Officer: “What did you order?”

Me: *on the extension* “This is the waitress. She ordered Crawfish Bisque.”

Health Officer: “Ma’am, what kind of bugs are in your food? Roaches?”

Customer: “No, they’re not roaches, they’re huge! And there’s a whole bunch of them!”

Me: “I tried to show her how to open the shell, but I think she got confused and was expecting crawfish to be regular… you know… fish.”

Health Officer: “Ma’am, are these giant bugs on top of a plate full of rice and sauce?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Health Officer: “Do they have a dark red shell?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Health Officer: “Ma’am, you’re supposed to eat those!”

Customer: *drops the phone and runs out of the restaurant*

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Gobble Grunt Gobble

, , | | Right | December 15, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Restaurant]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I was wondering if you guys sold male chicken?”

Me: “We do sell chicken, but I am not sure we know the gender.”

Customer: “But someone told me that you guys sold male chicken for Thanksgiving dinners.”

Me: “Thanksgiving dinner? Are you talking about a turkey?”

Customer: “Yeah! The male chicken!”

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Totally Plastered

, | | Right | October 30, 2009

Me: “All right, your cast is on nice and secure. It should heal within four to six weeks.”

Patient: “Really? Only four to six minutes?”

Me: “No, four to six weeks.”

Patient: “Okay, four to six minutes.”

Me: “Sir, it’s impossible for it to heal within four to six minutes. It takes about four to six weeks.”

Patient: “Oh, all right.”

(I turn around to fill out his form. When I turn back around, he has taken off his cast.)

Me: “Sir, why did you take off your cast?!”

Patient: “Well, you said it heals within four to six minutes, but you said it was too short. I waited seven minutes… but it still hurts.”

Me: “Sir, your arm is still broken. Four to six weeks is around a month and a half.”

Patient: “Well, why didn’t you tell me that in the first place?! A month and a half is five weeks! Why did you say four to six minutes?”

Me: “I never said…” *I pause and compose myself* “…okay, nevermind. Let’s put on a new cast.”

Patient: “Oooh! Can I have a pink one?”

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