Bean There, Done Cat

, , , , , , | Healthy | January 16, 2018

(I am playing with one of the clinic cats, Bean, and toss a toy to him. Unfortunately, I miss and hit him in the face, though he doesn’t seem to mind. Bean is cute, but he’s not the brightest cat ever. Later, I am telling the vet about it.)

Me: “I feel kind of bad. I beaned Bean in the head with a toy.”

Doctor: “That’s okay; there’s nothing up there, anyway.”

Susceptible To Tissue Damage

, , , , , | Working | January 16, 2018

(I have just used the last tissue in my tissue box. I’m taking the empty box to the recycling bin before grabbing a new one, when I notice some computer-printed text inside the bottom of the empty box. It’s likely a production date and lot code. I tend to tease people all day, and one coworker makes it so much easier for me to do so without even trying.)

Me: “Hey, look! Wait. Is that an expiration date? Did my tissue really expire two years ago?!”

Coworker: “Really? It does? I didn’t know that! Where’s the date so I can check mine?”

Not Very Closed Minded, Part 27

, , , , , | Right | January 16, 2018

(It’s near the end of the night and we’ve been closed for about half an hour at this point. All of our lights are off, including the one on our drive-through menu board. I head outside to take out the last load of garbage. There’s a car at our drive-through speaker:)

Driver: *spotting me* “Hey, nobody is answering me! I’ve been here for five minutes now.”

Me: “Sorry, we actually closed a half hour ago.”

Driver: *seemingly ignoring me, yelling at the speaker* “I CAN’T READ YOUR MENU! TURN ON A LIGHT FOR ME!”

Me: “Sir, like I said, we actually aren’t open right now. We closed about half an hour ago. We’ll be open at 11:00 am tomorrow, though, if you’d like to come by then.”

Driver: *pulls out a flashlight and reads the board* “I WANT A #5 COMBO! HELLO? HEELLOOOO?!”

Me: “Sir, sorry for repeating myself, but we’re closed. Nobody is going to take your order, because we aren’t open. We’ve been closed for a while now, but you’re more than welcome to come back tomorrow when we’re open again.”

Driver: *suddenly notices me again* “Why aren’t you in there making my food? You’ve been out here doing nothing this entire time!”

Me: “I can’t take your order, sir. Even if I did, all of our tills are offline and our equipment is shut down and being cleaned. There is no way I could possibly give you any food tonight.”

Driver: “Oh, well, why didn’t you just say so?”

(He sped off after that.)



Not Very Closed Minded, Part 26

Not Very Closed Minded, Part 25

Not Very Closed Minded, Part 24

This Customer Needs To Be Ghosted

, , , , | Right | January 15, 2018

Cashier: “Hello, ma’am. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I need a refund for this game!”

Cashier: “Was it defective?”

Customer: “It released evil spirits into my house!”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Unless it was defective, it cannot be returned once opened.”


(I see the title of the game at this point, Wii Play Plus, and know exactly what she is talking about.)


Me: “Excuse me, ma’am. The ghost mini-game does not actually detect real ghosts.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “The Wii takes advantage of the Wii MotionPlus to detect where it’s pointing even if it’s off the screen. There are no actual ghosts in your house.”

Customer: “Well, I never! Who thought that was a good idea? People could get confused easily!” *flounces out, game in hand*

(The cashier wordlessly handed me a 75%-off coupon.)

Dropped The Call On That One

, , , , | Right | January 15, 2018

(I do tech support for a small telephone company. At the start of every call, we ask for the customer’s name and phone number. The calls are usually routed to us through the business office, so the number that shows up on the caller ID doesn’t help identify the customer.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company] Telecom. My name is [My Name]. Can I get your name and a good phone number to call you back on, in case we get disconnected?”

Caller: “Hi, yes, thanks. I — oh, hang on, I’ve got a call coming in on my cell.” *thirty seconds of rustling, distant voices, etc.* “Okay, never mind. Anyway, sorry. I’m having trouble with my phone service.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, but I’d be happy to help! Can I—”

Caller: “It will drop out randomly. I’ll just be talking, and then it will disconnect out of the blue.”

Me: “I understand. Is there a—”

Caller: “It’s been happening for a couple of weeks now, but this is the first I called because I’ve been busy.”

Me: “No problem! Let me get a good—”

Caller: “Are you the right person to help with this? I really want to get it fixed.”

Me: “I can absolutely help, but first, can I ask—” *click*

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