Phoning In The Help

, , , , , | | Right | May 20, 2018

Me: “Hey, sir, what brings you in today?”

Customer: “Sir, I need help booking airline tickets.”

Me: “Airline tickets?”

Customer: “Yes, I need to book a flight.”

Me: “Sir, this is a cell phone store. We can help you with your phone, but we cannot book airline tickets.”

(The next day the customer comes back.)

Me: “Good afternoon, sir. Welcome back.”

Customer: “Sir, how do I send this resumé?”

Me: “…”

Carrot Top, Meet Carrot Bottom…

, , , , , | | Healthy | May 18, 2018

(I’m a medical student. My neighbor who is a doctor tells me this story. She has a patient with something stuck.)

Neighbor: “So, you were cleaning the kitchen naked, tripped, and ended up with a carrot up your rectum?”

Patient: *red-faced* “Yes…”

Neighbor: “Honey, I’m a doctor. This is far from the weirdest case I’ve had. I also don’t have the right to comment on people and their experiments.”

Patient: “So, when will I get this out?”

Neighbor: “After the proctologist sees you.”

You Have No Idea And I Have No Words

, , , , , , | | Right | May 18, 2018

(I work in a restaurant.)

Guest: “My girlfriend is only 20 years old. But I’m 21 years old. So I’m going to order a piña colada and give it to her. Okay?”

Me: “…”

They Have A Major Gap In Their Knowledge

, , , | | Learning | May 18, 2018

(I work at a university with a department for students who want to be teachers. It’s the middle of registration season, and we regularly have students coming in to get help figuring out who their advisor is, as we have just switched to a new system. They also come in for many other reasons than registration, which can make it tricky to help them at times. I don’t have access to the system to look up students for some time due to a screw-up in another department. Some of the students who come in are rude or just plain dull, but this one takes the cake.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Student: “Um… I’m not sure; they just told me to come here.”

Me: “Well, where did they send you from?”

Student: “I spoke to some lady in that office in… [Administrative Building]… I wanted to sign up for some classes.”

Me: “Oh, the registrar’s office? Are you looking to find your advisor to pick out classes with you?”

Student: “Uh… I think so?”

Me: “Okay, great! Well, your advisor is assigned by your major and your class standing. What’s your major?”

Student: “Uh… Education.”

Me: “We actually offer quite a few specializations in education; which one specifically are you enrolled in?”

Student: “Oh… I’m not sure.”

Me: “Well, what is your class standing?”

Student: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Are you a freshman, sophomore, junior, or senior?”

Student: “Oh… I’m not sure.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t direct you to an advisor without knowing these things. Can you log into [Student Portal] on your phone and check? I can help you find that information if you need.”

Student: “What’s [Student Portal]?”

Me: *sighing internally* “The system where you log in to check your classes, financial aid, and such.”

Student: “Oh, that. Yeah, hang on.”

(The student takes a good five minutes to log in and check. They are a junior-level student working towards a teaching degree in a STEM field. I direct the student to the right advisor, and they wander out of my office. A staff member who was sitting in my office waiting for a meeting with one of my bosses for the entire ordeal looks bemused.)

Me: “You’d be surprised how often we get students like that who don’t know simple things. That one was just excessive, though.”

Staff Member: “But… They were a junior! How? Just how? How do you get that far and not even know your own major? And they want to be a teacher?”

Me: “I really don’t know. I don’t get half of these people, either.”

Staff Member: “I’m glad you didn’t ask the student what their name was. They probably wouldn’t have known that, either.”

Seriously Checked Out

, , , , , | | Working | May 18, 2018

(I am at the cashier to buy groceries, including a six pack. People under 18 are not allowed to sell alcohol. As the cashier sees the beer, he looks at me.)

Cashier: “I’ll need to call a manager over to ring this up since I can’t.”

(He calls for a manager on the phone, and then stands and stares at me.)

Me: “Um, how about you go ahead and ring the rest of my stuff up while we wait for the manager?”

Cashier: “But I can’t ring up your beer; I have to wait for him.”

Me: “But you could ring the rest of it up in the meantime, and then they could ring up the beer.”

Cashier: “I have to wait.”

Me: “But you don’t need them for the food, and this way you’d already have the rest of it rung up.”

Cashier: *looking very confused* “Why?”

Me: “Because it would save time for you, me, and the people in line behind me.”

(He looked at me suspiciously, then slowly began ringing up my groceries, eyeing me the whole time as though I was trying to pull a scam he didn’t quite understand. The other customers in line just shook their heads.)

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