I Use Office For Office  

, , , , | Right | January 15, 2020

(I recently started working for the tech department of an office supply chain store, and I quickly started to learn that the customers who need to buy software and hardware for their computers aren’t always the brightest bulbs of the bunch.)

Customer: “I am looking for MS Office.”

Me: “Sure, right this way.”

(I start to lead the customer toward the software section.)

Me: “Just out of curiosity, what are you going to be using it for? For work, or for college…?”

Customer: “HP.”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer: “On an HP laptop.”

Me: “Oh, sorry. My mistake. I was actually wondering what you were going to be using it for?”

Customer: “MS Office.”

(I almost facepalm and rub my eyes as I sigh, trying to hide my frustration.)

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Communing With Sandwiches Of The Future

, , , | Right | January 15, 2020

(I work in a sandwich shop, and occasionally, a customer will just tell me what kind of meat they want and then stare at me as if I somehow have all the information I need. Today, one customer takes it further.)

Customer: “Ham.”

(I try to ask follow-up questions so that I know what bread to put the ham on, but she interrupts me.)

Customer: “Ham.”

Me: *tries again*

Customer: “Ham!”

(Finally, she lets me speak.)

Me: “A six-inch or footlong?”

Customer: “Six.”

Me: “On what kind of bread?”

Customer: “White bread.”

(As I turn around and retrieve a loaf of white bread from the cabinet, I hear her speak again.)

Customer: “Toasted.”

(While I cut the bread and start to place ham on it, she repeats herself two more times.)

Me: “Before I toast it, what kind of cheese do you want?”

(She paused, looked over the cheese for a couple of moments, and then pointed and said, “Cheddar cheese.” I try to help the customer get the sandwich they want, but it’s hard to do so when they shout commands that I can’t do yet.)

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The Wheel Of Stupidity Keeps On Turning

, , , , , | Legal | January 15, 2020

(In Colorado, it is illegal to text and drive, but it is legal to talk on a cell phone or use a handheld device while driving if you are over 18. The officer in this story pulls over a driver who had his phone in one hand and a sports drink in the other.)

Officer: “You do realize you didn’t have any hands on the wheel, right?”

Driver: *in a tone that implies it’s his excuse* “Oh, but I was texting.”

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Alarmingly Sweet

, , , , | Romantic | January 15, 2020

(I am a notoriously heavy sleeper, needing multiple cell phone alarms plus a digital alarm clock to help me wake up in the morning. My husband, on the other hand, wakes up well before his alarm and is often up an hour or two earlier than me due to his work schedule. One morning, I vaguely hear my alarms from the depth of my dreams and hear my husband stomping his way into the bedroom to turn them off. I bring it up with him later that day.)

Me: “Did me sleeping through my alarms this morning annoy you?”

Husband: “No, why?”

Me: “I heard you come stomping in the room like you were thinking, ‘All this f****** noise and she’s not even moving!’”

Husband: “No! I was rushing to turn them off because I didn’t want it to wake you up!”

Me: *staring at him in confusion* “You do… You do know what alarms are for, right?”

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The Oysters Contain Bacon

, , , , | Right | January 15, 2020

Customer: *whilst ordering their meal* “I want you to tell the chef that I am a vegetarian, so he needs to make sure to keep my food away from any meat.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, and what can we get for you today?”

Customer: “I want to start out with the French onion soup, and then I’ll have the poached oysters, and… Can I order dessert after I finish the mains if I feel like it?”

Me: *pausing for a moment* “Ma’am, you said you were vegetarian; we are unable to serve vegetarian poached oysters.”

Customer: *blank stare* “What do you mean?”

Me: “Ma’am, oysters are molluscs; they’re a meat product.”

Customer: *even blanker stare* “No. Oysters are a plant. They grow in the sea, like seaweed.”

Me: *not even sure what to say to this* “Ma’am, I am very sorry, but the oyster dish contains a meat product. Could I recommend our vegetarian lasagne? It’s on special today and is really excellent.”

Customer: *looking completely confused* “You’re sure there’s meat in the poached oysters?”

Me: “I can fetch the chef or management if you wish to discuss it with them.”

Customer: “But… why can’t you tell me what meat is in the poached oysters?”

(I tried to explain for some minutes more before fetching a supervisor to deal with it. I don’t get paid enough to explain the evolution of the mollusc to customers.)

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