Getting (Swim) Short With Each Other

, , , , | Friendly | February 6, 2018

(My friends and I are all hanging out on the couch when [Friend #1] comes bursting through the front door, giggling like a child.)

Friend #1: “Guys, you’ll never believe it! I just managed to sneak these out of [Clothing Store]!”

(He then pulls down his pants to show several layers of swimming trunks underneath them.)

Friend #2: “Bro, you do realize I’m one of the managers over there, right?”

Friend #1: “So you know how hard it is to steal from that place! I don’t know how I managed to get away with it.”

Friend #2: “You didn’t get away with it, idiot. Once they see a discrepancy that big, they’re going to review the tapes and see your stupid a** walking out of an empty fitting room.”

([Friend #1] goes pale as he thinks about this, then quickly strips in the middle of the living room, shoving the swimsuits into [Friend #2]’s lap.)

Friend #1: “Man, you have to take them back for me!”

Friend #2: “Hell no! I’m not getting fired over your stupid mistake. You take them back; you’re the one who messed up.”

Friend #1: “Man, why are you being such a d**k right now? If you work there, you can just take them back!”

Friend #2: “If you want me to take these back, then you obviously don’t care about my job. So, I’ll do you one better. I’ll go ahead and call the police to report theft. How’s that sound?”

(This ended in a screaming match and near fistfight between the two friends, as we all just kind of sat back and watched, dumbfounded by how stupid the situation was. Eventually, [Friend #1] decided to take the swimming trunks back himself. He fessed up to a different manager, and they said they wouldn’t press charges since he brought everything back. The boys are still friends to this day.)

Bob’s Burger

, , , , | Right | February 6, 2018

(It’s the year before I was born. My parents are taking a long road trip. They have been driving for hours, and they stop at a 24-hour diner at about two in the morning.)

Waitress: “Hi, folks. What can I get you?”

Mom: “I’d like a grilled cheese and a [soda], please.”

Waitress: “And for you, sir?”

Dad: “I’ll have a milkshake with coleslaw.”

Waitress: “Sorry, what was that?”

Dad: “A milkshake with coleslaw, please.”

Mom: “Bob.”

Dad: “What? I want a milkshake with coleslaw!”

Waitress: “Okay, sir, let me just make sure I’ve got this right. You want a milkshake?”

Dad: “Yes.”

Waitress: “With coleslaw?”

Dad: “Yes!”

Waitress: “And nothing else?”

Dad: *long pause* “Did I forget to order a burger?”

Mom: “Yes, Bob, you did.”

Dad: “Oh. Sorry, I’m really tired.”

Waitress: *laughing* “Thank goodness! I couldn’t tell who was losing their mind: you or me!”

I Wonder Why He’s Jobless?

, , , , , | Working | February 6, 2018

(I am interviewing a woman on a bench outside of my store. As we’re discussing her resume, a man comes up and shoves his resume in my face.)

Me: “Excuse me?”

Man: “Here’s my resume. You can interview me after, right?”

Me: “Um, sir, I’m doing an interview now. Can we talk after?”

Man: “Fine.”

(He stands there and refuses to move. Finally, the interviewee gets annoyed.)

Interviewee: “Sir, this is not how interviews work. You hand in a resume, respectfully, to the manager, and you meet when she wants, not when you decide to. And especially not when she’s interviewing someone else. If I were the manager, I would never hire someone so disrespectful as you are being right now!”

Man: “Shut up, you f****** b****!”

(I had to call security to escort the man away, and I hired the woman a few weeks later.)

Living In Worlds Inches Apart

, , , | Right | February 6, 2018

(I work as a waitress at a small, locally-owned restaurant that sells seven- and fifteen-inch subs. I am currently working at the register, taking a to-go order.)

Customer: “How big is your seven-inch sub?”

Me: *holding my hands about seven inches apart* “They’re about this big, ma’am.”

Customer: “Oh! Like a six-inch sub!”

The Internot, Part 3

, , , | Right | February 6, 2018

(I work at a tech support call center for a large Internet, TV, and home phone service provider.)

Me: “Thank you for choosing [Company]. My name is [My Name]. May I have your name and account number, please?”

Customer: *provides details* “I need to speak to a supervisor!”

Me: “What’s going on, ma’am? Maybe I can help you out.”


Me: “Your laptop was stolen?!”

Customer: “I left it right on the sofa, and when I got back, it was gone!”

(I can see on my computer that the customer was just installed a day ago.)

Me: “That’s awful! Well, I’m assum—”

Customer: “I know it’s awful! They’re stealing everything around here. They stole my laptop. They stole my tires. They stole my lawn chairs. Heck, they’ve even been stealing my potted plants!”

Me: “Your plants, too?!”

Customer: “Mmhm. And now, they went and stole my laptop. Well, I need [Company] to send me a new one.”

Me: “I’m sorry… What?”

Customer: “I said, someone stole my laptop, and I need [Company] to send me a new one!”

Me: “I just want to make sure; it wasn’t a [Company] technician who stole your laptop, right?”

Customer: “No, I don’t know who stole my laptop.”

Me: “Ma’am, you probably want to file a police report.”

Customer: “I’ve already done that, and they don’t know who stole my laptop, either.”

Me: “Well, I can’t send you a laptop. I don’t even have any laptops to send. We don’t sell the computers; we just provide you with Internet service.”

Customer: “How can you tell me that I pay [Company] $120 a month, and you’re not going to send me a laptop?!”

Me: “We just don’t have laptops to send. The computer and the Internet are two separate things. The customer provides their own computer, and we connect them to the Internet.”

Customer: “Well, if you won’t send me a laptop, then I’m going to cancel.”

Me: “All right. The cancellations department is still open; would you like to speak to them now?”

Customer: “Really? You can’t just send me a laptop?”

Me: “No, I can’t. That’s not something we do… ever.”

Customer: “Well, fine. Connect me to them.”

(I transferred her to the cancellations team after that. A couple of days later, I pulled up her account again. She really did cancel her services.)

The Internot, Part 2
The Internot

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