What On Earth Are You Looking At?

, , , | Right | October 8, 2018

(My family owns a small real estate company. About a year and a half before this story takes place, my family’s company merged with a bigger, more well-known company, and therefore, no longer exists. One day, my mother answers this call.)

Mother: “[Bigger Company]. This is [Mother]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “[Bigger Company]? I thought this was the number for [Old Company]!”

Mother: “We merged with them about a year and a half ago, sir. [Old Company] no longer exists, but we are still the same people. Can I be of assistance?”

Caller: “NUH-UH! I can tell you, I am sitting here, looking at [address] right now, and there is an [Old Company] sign in front of it with this number!

(This man continues to insist, so my mother takes down his contact info and says she will investigate it. She calls her coworkers and asks if there is any possibility they have that address for sale with an [Old Company] sign still there. One of her coworkers even tells her he drives past there a couple times a week and there’s no sign there at all! Finally, she calls the man back.)

Mother: “Sir, I have done some investigation, and there is absolutely no [Old Company] sign still at that address.”

Caller: “Yes, there is! I’m looking at it right now on Google Earth!”

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He-He… Oh, Wait. You’re Serious?

, , , , , | Working | October 8, 2018

(I work as the admin at a fairly large office. I take care of supply orders, snacks, and stuff like that. The groups within the company are big on birthdays and accomplishments, so I usually buy party stuff for them. Today, I got this request.)

Coworker: “We’ve got three birthdays and two promotions tomorrow, so we want to do a helium balloon drop.”

Me: “Helium balloon… drop?”

Coworker: “Yeah.”

Me: “Okay, I can do one or the other, but not both.”

Coworker: “Why? Is it the money? Just the other day you got lunch for the managers, so I know you have enough!”

Me: “It’s not that; it’s just not physically possible. Helium balloons float. Even if I get them up, they won’t drop when released.”

Coworker: “Then find a way to make them drop!”

Me: *sarcastically* “Okay, I’ll just find a way to defy the laws of physics and gravity.”

Coworker: “Good! Now was that so hard?”

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Sizing Up To Be An Escalated Call

, , , , | Learning | October 8, 2018

(I work at an office and school supply vendor, where we work with a lot of teachers. During my second week at work, I get a call from a teacher about the construction papers we have.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Business]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Teacher: “Yes. What size is your 9 by 11 paper?

(I pause, because I am a little confused, and then I answer:)

Me: “It is 9 inches wide and 11 inches long.”

Teacher: “No, what size is it?”

Me: *even more confused* “It is 9 inches by 11 inches, and the weight of the paper is between 65 to 80 pounds depending on the manufacturer.”

Teacher: “NO! What size is the 9 by 11 construction paper?”

Me: *thinking maybe she wants the metric size* “It’s about 23 centimeters wide and 28 centimeters long.”

Teacher: “What don’t you understand!? What size is your construction paper?! If I want the wider side at the top, then what would it be?”

Me: “It would then be 11 by 9 inches, or 28 by 23 centimeters.”

Teacher: “UGH! Do you have someone there who knows what they are doing?”

(I very happily transferred her to a special team who takes our escalated calls. They weren’t able to help her, either. She ended up yelling at them that she was going to take her business elsewhere and she would encourage her school district to do the same.)

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The Way He Extends His Stay Is Worth Checking Out

, , , | Right | October 7, 2018

(I work in a hotel. A man comes up to the desk and gives me his key.)

Me: “Hi, checking out?”

Customer: *smiles* “Yes.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I print out the receipt and give it to him.)

Me: “Thanks for staying, and have a good day!”

Customer: “You, too.”

(The next day, the same man comes up to me and again wordlessly gives me his keys.)

Me: “Hi, checking out?”

Customer: “No, I wanted to extend my stay! And yesterday, I wanted to extend my stay, not check out! That’s why I gave you my keys!”

Me: “Okay…”

(Pro-tip: If you give the clerk your keys and tell them that you want to check out, we will check you out!)

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Do Idiots Dream Of Electric Coffee?

, , , , | Right | October 7, 2018

(I am working over lunch in a busy coffee shop when the power goes out. A car has hit a pole and taken out most of the power in the downtown core. We still have at least half the tables full, finishing their meals in the semi-darkness.)

Customer: *who comes rushing in* “I need two coffees to go, quick!”

Me: “Sorry, we have no power.”

Customer: “Yeah, I see. Soooo… two coffees, please.”

Me: “Okay, but we have no power. We can’t make coffee without it.”

Customer: “What? Can’t you just cook it on your stove out back?”

Me: “The power is out; we can’t cook anything or make coffee.”

Customer: “Don’t you have old coffee you can heat up?”

Me: “Sir, there’s no power. I’m not sure how we could do that.”

Customer: “Seriously? Are you stupid? What the f*** kind of place is this?”

(Another customer who is listening to our exchange speaks up.)

Other Customer: “One that needs electricity to run, perhaps?”

(The customer slammed his fist on the counter and practically ran out the door while the second customer and I shook our heads.)

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