Backgrounded But Not Grounded

, , , | Working | April 26, 2018

I work in the data-entry department for a background screening company. Basically, you fill out an application with one of our clients, it gets sent to us, and we make sure everything on it is accurate. We search for criminal history and such, as well — a complete background history.

When entering applications, we have to enter items exactly as they are on the application.

Two of my favorites:

“Deploma” or some other misspelling of the word from someone with a Masters Degree.

A guy stated he made 2.7 million dollars a year as a crane operator.

Getting Some Is A Rat Race

, , , , , , | Working | April 26, 2018

(I’m the unfortunate worker in this story. I work in pest control, and a law firm has had a rat problem. I lay down some traps discreetly, and go back a week later. There are two doorbells, one saying, “Receptionist,” and one saying, “Office.” I press the one for the receptionist and wait to be greeted, whilst getting my opening line of, “I’m here to do the rat traps,” ready in my head.)

Receptionist: “Hello?”

(At this exact moment my brain freezes and all I can remember is the word receptionist.)

Me: “Hi. I’m here to do the receptionist?” *cue awkward pause* “I MEAN THE RAT TRAPS! Sorry! I’m here to check the rat traps.”

Receptionist: *laughing* “That’s okay. Come in.”

(I quickly did what I had to before making a quick exit, making sure not to sexually harass any more receptionists.)

I Speak The Queens(land) English

, , , , , , | Right | April 26, 2018

(I’m working as a server at a restaurant over the summer break between my freshman and sophomore years of college. Sometimes I like to use fake accents for my own entertainment, and sometimes I get bigger tips for being a “foreigner.”)

Me: “Hello! Welcome to [Restaurant]! My name is [My Name], and I’m going to be your server today. Can I get you started off with something to drink? [Soda]? Iced tea?”

Customer: “Can I ask where you’re from? I love your accent.”

Me: *obviously lying* “Queensland, Australia.”

Customer’s Boyfriend: “Really? That’s awesome! Hey, speak some Australian!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer’s Boyfriend: “Speak some Australian!”

Customer: “Honey, they speak English in Australia.”

Customer’s Boyfriend: “Really?”

Me: “Yeah. We do, actually. Sorry to disappoint.”

(For most of their meal, they argued about whether or not Australians speak English.)

This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 76

, , , , , , | Working | April 26, 2018

(A coworker comes in one morning with a question for me.)

Coworker: “You’re into cars, yeah? Can you tell me what you think? My boyfriend bought a secondhand car on finance — £200 a month for three years — and then he wrote it off two weeks later. The finance company are still demanding money from us every month, and WE DON’T EVEN HAVE THE CAR ANYMORE!”

(Even though I’m not really an expert on car finance, more of a car enthusiast, even I can see the problem.)

Me: “When your boyfriend crashed his car, was he at fault?”

Coworker: “Well, yeah. He spun off into a ditch and ended up upside down in a field.”

Me: “And no one else was involved?”

Coworker: “No, he was just going too fast.”

Me: “And did the insurance pay out?”

Coworker: “No, they said because he only had, like, third party, or whatever, that they weren’t going to give him anything.”

Me: “Right, so, he buys a second car worth about £7,000, only gets third-party insurance, wrecks it, and now doesn’t understand why he still has to pay back the loan?”

Coworker: “But we DON’T HAVE THE CAR ANYMORE! Why do we have to keep paying if we DON’T HAVE THE CAR?”

(There was no convincing her. The finance company were screwing them, and she was going to let them take her boyfriend to court.)

This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 75
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 74
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 73

Checked Out A Long Time Ago

, , , , , | Right | April 26, 2018

(I’m a librarian, working at a college library’s reference desk. This happens in 2008.)

Patron: “Where’d the lending library go?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Patron: “You used to have a lending library: a cart with books to take and read on the honor system.”

Me: “That sounds like our entire library.”

Patron: “No, you could take a book without checking it out, then bring it back later. Where’s the cart? Did you move it?”

Me: “I’ve been here for two years, and I don’t think we’ve had anything like that in my time here. When did you last use it?”

Patron: “1987.”

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