Mom’s Good Friend Lazarus

, , , | Related | April 3, 2018

(During one of our weekly phone calls, my mom tells me about various friends of hers who have bad health situations. I don’t know every person she is talking about, but it’s sobering news, anyway. Then, she tells me that a family friend died, and I’m speechless. My mom and I have another phone conversation several days later.)

Mom: “I really need to get back in contact with [Family Friend]. The last time we talked on the phone was–“

Me: “Wait, wait. You’re trying to call [Family Friend]?”

Mom: “Yes?”

Me: “You told me last week that she passed away!”

Mom: *pause* “Did I really say that?”

Me: Yes! I just heard about her cancer last month, so I was really surprised when you said she already passed.”

Mom: “Oh. Well, I’m sorry for the misinformation. She’s resurrected now.”

(It turns out a different person had passed away. With so much bad news flying around, it seems she mixed up the names… but what a mix-up!)

Using A Different Rule Of Thumb

, , , , | Right | April 3, 2018

(A female customer orders three six-foot-long boards. When she leaves, she looks happy with her purchase. She returns around an hour later, very angry, hitting her boards across the doorway.)

Customer: “DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW TO MEASURE PROPERLY, DUMBA**?”

Me: “What’s the problem, ma’am?”

Customer: “I ordered three six-foot-long boards for my shelving, not three twelve-foot-long boards! I want a d*** refund and my new boards free!”

(I look at the boards. There is no way they could be twelve feet long.)

Me: “These look like they’re the correct length.”

Customer: “NO, THEY’RE NOT, YOU LITTLE S***. LOOK!”

(She pulls out a smartphone and opens a photo of a ruler in her gallery. She slides the phone across the board, counting.)

Customer: “SEE? SEE? IT’S DOUBLE WHAT I ASKED FOR!”

Me: “…”

Will Have To Get The Little Snappers A Different Pet

, , , , , | Right | April 3, 2018

(A woman and two small children come up to the counter with a cardboard box.)

Woman: “Hello. My children found this turtle in a nearby pond and I want to know how to take care of it.”

Me: “I normally recommend leaving wild animals where they are.”

Woman: “They really want to keep him. Will you help us or not?”

Me: *groaning internally* “Okay, let me get a look at the little guy.”

Woman: *removes the lid* “What do you suggest?”

Me: “Yeah, you’re going to want to put him back.”

Woman: “What? My boys are attached to him and you want me to take him away from them?!”

Me: “That’s a snapping turtle. He’s going to move from feeder fish to fingers really fast.”

Woman: “Any recommendations on where to release him?”

Meeting Aunt Petunia

, , , , , , | Friendly | April 2, 2018

(I live in downtown, about two blocks away from our county fairgrounds. It’s Saturday night during a fair, and I have my windows open to let in the cooler air. I’m watching a Harry Potter movie. With my window open, you can see the television from the street. There’s a knock on my door. I open it to see a boy of about ten standing there.)

Me: “Um… Hello.”

Boy: “I want to watch the movie! Mom says to stay here while she goes out.”

Me: “Sorry, kid. I don’t know you. You need to go back to your mom.”

Boy: *pouts but leaves*

(Ten minutes later, there’s a pounding on my door.)

Mom: “I TOLD HIM HE COULD WATCH YOUR MOVIE! Just let him hang out here while I visit the bars! It’ll only be a couple hours.”

Me: “Lady, I don’t know you people, and you don’t know me. How do you know I’m not a child sex offender? If you want a free babysitter, call a friend or family member.”

Mom: “NO! It’s tourist season, and you all have to make us feel at home! Now, do your part and let him in!”

Me: “Yeah… No. Get out of here before I take your picture and send it to the cops. We’re a small town. They love hearing about neglected kids.”

(She scowled at me but finally left. The boy was still whining about wanting to watch my movie. There a lot of sickos out there, people! Keep an eye on your kids during big events.)

Bacon, Lettuce, and Carcinogens

, , , | Right | April 2, 2018

(I am a clerk at a local mom-and-pop gas station and convenience store. A couple with a young child walks into the store after I’ve already cleaned out our warmer of prepared food items, as we do when it’s late in the shift.)

Man: “So, no food?”

Me: “Not in the warmer, no, but we do have sandwiches in the cooler.”

Man: “Aw, but I wanted something hot!”

Me: “Well, we have a microwave you are welcome to use to heat up any of the sandwiches.”

Man: “Don’t you know those things give you cancer?”

Me: *under my breath* “So, just stand back, then.”

Man: “Never mind.” *turns to woman* “Do we need any cigarettes today?”

Me: “…” *blinks*

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