First Came The Wet, Now Here’s The Wild

, , , , | Right | March 19, 2019

(I’m working at my store when a guest service employee and two wet guests walk in. The guest service employee asks to speak to my manager, so I call her over and I see them talk in the corner, leaving me all alone with the guests.)

Me: *trying to be funny* “Was there a rainstorm I missed?”

Guest #1: “We went on [Water Ride] but didn’t know we’d get wet!”

Me: “Oh… I’m sorry?”

Guest #1: “Guest service said we could get free shirts. She’s just talking to your manager.”

Me: *my managers are all about upselling* “We also have towels available.”

Guest #2: “Oh, good idea! We’ll also ask for a free towel!”

(My manager comes back and tells them they can pick any shirt in the store. The guests ask about towels, and my manager lets them take a $24 towel, also for free. What we use to do for lost or stolen shirts that were comped is we gave them the cheapest shirt we had, which was like $14, because the merchandise budget loses money. We don’t do that anymore, though, so we can give guests the most magical experience. So, these guests come back with $40-60 shirts! My manager takes the tags off and sends the guests on their way.)

Me: “I don’t think it was fair they got free shirts for their mistake.”

Manager: “I agree, but whatever; it’s coming out of rides’ budget, anyway!”

Samir And Amil Are Still Good Scottish Names

, , , | Right | March 18, 2019

(I am assisting a customer in purchasing a new phone contract with us. She has agreed to an upfront payment of £100 to reduce the monthly costs.)

Me: “Will you be using debit or credit card?”

Customer: “Credit.”

Me: “Okay, then I must warn you that there will be an additional charge of £2.50. Are you happy to continue?

Customer: “What compensation will you give me?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “For overcharging me?”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. I guess I wasn’t clear enough. The additional charge is issued by the bank for the transfer of money. It is out of our control.”

Customer: “So, how much are you going to give me in compensation?”

Me: “Well, nothing. The charge isn’t issued by us; you are still only paying us £100. The £2.50 is for the bank transfer.”

Customer: “Let me get this straight. You are overcharging me for something you are selling me, and I am getting nothing back?”

Me: “We are not overcharging you. This additional cost has absolutely nothing to do with us, and is because you having chosen to use a credit card. You are free to use a debit card, however, at no additional cost.”

Customer: “So, I’ll get something back for using my debit card?”

Me: “No, you would still need to pay the £100. You just won’t incur an additional charge.”

Customer: “So, I’ll get that £2.50 back?”

Me: *realising she will never understand* “Yes, you will.”

(She happily chose debit, but it was declined. She got extremely irate, screamed at me in German, and hung up. She called back and tried to make a complaint. She claimed I was Samir from Honduras — I’m Daniel from Scotland — and said that I had stolen all the money out of her bank account. She was moved on to Fraud/Loss Prevention, where she then claimed I was Amil and had tried to sell her a knockoff phone. The story got increasingly more convoluted until she got so flustered she just hung up.)

Online On The 24th Of July Only

, , , , | Working | March 18, 2019

(I want to “chat” with someone at my major cell phone carrier, so I go to their “contact” page. There is no live link for chat; it is grayed out. Quoting the page:)

Message: “Chat — We are online 24/7. If we aren’t available, please check back later.”

(Okay, so… when am supposed to check back? Maybe the 25th hour of the 8th day of the week?)

No One Is That Stupid By Accident

, , , | Right | March 18, 2019

Customer: “I’d like [meal] with two portions of fries, please.”

Me: “And portion size?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Small, medium, or large?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Well, which is it?”

Customer: “Yes.”

(I decide she isn’t actually a customer and just someone playing a joke, so I call for the next customer.)

Customer: “EXCUSE ME! I’m ordering.”

Me: “Madam, I asked you three times and you didn’t answer me. What else am I supposed to do?”

Woman: “What did you even ask me?”

Me: “Portion size. Small, medium or large?”

Woman: “Large.”

Me: “For both?”

Woman: “Yes.”

Me: “And which drink would you like?”

Woman: “Yes.”

(I’ve now decided that she really is playing a joke, and is just trying to drag it out for as long as possible. I call on the next customer again.)

Woman: “AGAIN! WHY ARE YOU SO F****** RUDE?!”

Me: “Madam, again, I asked you a question and you didn’t answer it. I have now decided you are just doing this for entertainment and I am refusing you service.”

Woman: “HOW ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO ANSWER IF I WANT A DRINK?! IT’S PART OF THE D*** MEAL DEAL!”

Me: “I asked you what drink would you like. Not whether you want one. Asking that would be redundant.”

Woman: *seeing a manager just off the side* “Are you hearing this? This b**** is being disrespectful and raising her voice at me. I demand a free meal immediately, or I’ll phone everyone I know and tell them you employ w****s to work for you.”

Manager: “I might have been sympathetic, but the second you start swearing and calling my staff b****es and w****s is the second you get thrown out.”

(She screamed just about every swear word you could think of before running out. The victory was bittersweet, though, as I was also written up for bad-mouthing a customer, and that manager had zero tolerance with me after. I was stuck in traffic a month later, and he told me not to bother turning up again. Then, when I got my dismissal letter through, it said the reason was failing to turn for multiple shifts. Suffice it to say, I don’t list them as a reference.)

Some People Bet Hard Cash That People Can’t Be That Stupid

, , , , , | Right | March 18, 2019

(I do sales support for several brands of small appliances. We can take credit cards over the phone but not cash, for obvious reasons. For some reason, I occasionally get some clown trying to pay cash over the phone. I have developed a way to deal with this, but this particular instance is a whole new level of stupid. I’m on a call with a customer. I’m just reaching the payment part of the transaction:)

Me: “…and how would you like to pay for this today? We can take credit card over the phone or you can pay in-store when you pick up the item.”

Customer: “I’d like to pay cash.”

Me: “Certainly, you can pay cash on pick-up at the store.”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “No?”

Customer: “No. I want to pay cash now!”

(It’s going to be one of those calls. Sigh. Time to break out the secret weapon.)

Me: “Certainly, ma’am, if you could just hand me the cash.”

Customer: *silence*

(This usually forces them to figure it out on their own while seeming to be helpful. Most customers take about thirty seconds for it to click and then give up and pay by credit card or in-store. But…)

Customer: *satisfied* “Okay, there you go.”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “Do you have the money yet?”

Me: “No, sir, I’m afraid I cannot take cash over the phone.”

Customer: *irate* “What?! But you just said you could. I gave you my money! Give it back.”

(The customer started screaming and swearing that I’d taken her money. She demanded to talk to my supervisor, and I was only too happy to hand it off to him. My supervisor couldn’t make sense of it, either, but he eventually managed to calm the woman down enough to get her to come into a store location. A few days later, my supervisor relayed to me what the manager of the store had told him. Apparently, this middle-aged woman had come in shouting about us taking her money through the phone. When they asked her what she had done with the money, she opened up the case of her cell phone and, lo and behold, there was the money shoved into the case. How she thought her cell phone was going to transmit the money, I don’t know.)

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