Got To Hand It To Preemptiveness

, , , , | | Learning | May 22, 2018

(I’m in second grade when the 2009 H1N1 flu virus breaks out. My friend’s mother tells this story. Her daughter is in first grade at the time of the outbreak. Her mother decides to bring hand sanitizer for her class. She approaches a receptionist at the front office, and this conversation happens.)

Friend’s Mom: “Am I allowed to bring in hand sanitizer for my daughter’s classroom?”

Receptionist: “Sorry, we cannot allow this. It has alcohol in it and the children could accidentally drink it.”

(The next week, there was an announcement in the weekly flyer saying that hand sanitizer was required for all classrooms!)

Maybe She Thought It Was Beyoncé’s Album

, , , , , | | Working | May 21, 2018

(In Australia, lemonade is a clear, carbonated, lemon-flavoured drink, like Sprite. Lemon Squash, or Pub Squash, is a yellow, carbonated drink with a stronger lemon flavour. Traditional, non-carbonated lemonade is pretty rare here. I’ve just pulled up to the speaker box at the drive-thru and am finishing placing my order.)

Me: “And a [combo], with a lemonade for the drink.”

Worker: “Sorry?”

Me: “A [combo] with a lemonade for the drink.”

Worker: “And what for the drink?”

(I am being very clear, and I haven’t said a brand name because I can’t remember which soda company’s products this restaurant has: Coke or Pepsi.)

Me: “Lemonade.”

Worker: “Lift?” *this is Coke’s brand name for lemon squash in Australia*

Me: “No, lemonade. Like a Sprite or something.”

Worker: “Oh! We have Sprite!”

(Awkward silence.)

Me: “Yeah… A Sprite.”

(When I drove up to the window, she handed me my food and drink. She looked about 16. I knew from the accent that she was Australian, so she shouldn’t have been confused. I have no idea how she got this far in life not knowing what lemonade was.)

This Kind Of Work Is Not In Her Jeans

, , , , | | Working | May 21, 2018

(I am working the night audit shift at a hotel when a young woman comes in. She is dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt. It is about two in the morning.)

Girl: “Hey! Are you guys taking applications right now?”

Me: “I don’t know, honestly, but I can give you the web address where we take applications.”

Girl: “There isn’t a manager I can speak to?”

(Again, it is two in the morning.)

Me: “Um… I’m the de facto manager on duty right now, but I have no control over our hiring practices. You’ll have to go online, or wait until morning when someone is in.”

Girl: “Aw, shoot. I just wanted to get some kind of job; you know, something easy, like your job!”

Me: *glancing at the mountain of accounting paperwork I’m currently trying to get through while attempting not to look insulted* “Yes, well, like I said, I don’t know if we’re hiring, but I know we don’t need any more night auditors right now.”

Girl: “Sure, sure. Oh! And do you have to wear anything in particular for this job?”

Me: *looks down at the pinstripe suit and matching blouse that no young woman would possibly wear unless they had to* “Yes… This.”

Girl: “What? You mean I can’t just wear like, a t-shirt and jeans?”

Me: “No.”

Girl: “Huh! Well, never mind, then!”

(She left. Not only have I never seen ANY hotel of ANY stripe that allowed its employees to wear t-shirts and jeans to work, but we are a higher-end, full-service brand!)

Two Wrongs Don’t Make A Right

, , , | | Healthy | May 20, 2018

(I work in healthcare and am talking to a man in his fifties who is having angina for the first time.)

Me: “You haven’t had a heart attack, but this pain is probably coming from your heart.”

Man: “But I’m only 50-something, and there are no heart problems in my family. Why would that be?”

Me: “You smoke 30 cigarettes a day and drink two cartons of beer per week. That’s not good for your heart. You should think about cutting down.”

Man: “I’m sick of you people telling me that bulls***! It’s a scientifically proven fact that smoking makes your arteries smaller, and drinking makes them bigger! If I keep drinking and smoking, I’ll be fine!”

Me: “That’s not at all how it works, but I see I’m not going to change your mind. You’ll be going upstairs soon.”

Man: “I want to go out for a smoke!”

Me: “That’s really not a good idea.”

Man: “What would you know?!”

Me: *gives up*

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The Fabric Of My Vocation

, , , | | Right | May 20, 2018

Me: “Welcome to our fabric store. Is there any way I can help you?”

Customer: “I pick out fabrics, I bring it up to you, you cut it, and then I pay you?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. That’s pretty much my job description.”

(She seemed genuinely confused at how buying stuff works.)

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