Some Family Trees Are Thicker Than Others

, , , , , | Learning | December 24, 2018

(I’ve been working as a cab driver for a few months now, but I’ll never forget my very first ride. I pick up two dark-skinned, African-American, fifteen-year-old girls from their school.)

Girl #1: “I have to do the genealogy project on my family, but not on me since I’m adopted.”

Girl #2: “You’re adopted?!”

Girl #1: “Yeah…?”

Girl #2: “You never told me that!”

Girl #1: “Dude, are you serious!? My parents are white!

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Christmas Is Her(e)

, , , , , , , | Working | December 24, 2018

I’m a guy who works on an office team with five women. We decided to have a Secret Santa gift exchange over the holidays, giving one small gift each week leading up to a larger gift just before Christmas. During one of our meetings, we’re talking about what gifts we’ve received and I say, “My Secret Santa’s gotten me some nice things. I wonder what she’ll do for the large gift.”

One of my other coworkers asks, “How do you know your Secret Santa is a she?”

My boss responds, “Well, if it’s not, his Secret Santa has a little bit bigger secret than just being his Santa.” My coworker struggles to understand for a minute, but we all get a little laugh that day.

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He’s Insuring His Own Fate

, , , , | Legal | December 23, 2018

(I am in traffic court for a speeding ticket. While there, I overhear this exchange:)

Judge: “Mr. [Ticketee], you had a citation for driving without insurance. Do you now have proof of insurance?”

Ticketee: “Yes, right here. I had insurance at the time I was stopped, but didn’t have the proof with me.”

(The judge takes some papers from him.)

Judge: “Okay, you were driving a [Make, Model, and Year of Car] at the time?”

Ticketee: “Yes.”

Judge: “The insurance information you just gave me is for a [totally different vehicle], and the name listed on the policy is not yours.”

Ticketee: “It’s my friend’s insurance.”

Judge: “How does that help you in this case?”

Ticketee: “I didn’t think you would look closely.”

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What Did Jew Say?

, , , , , | Friendly | December 23, 2018

(My roommate and I are both in pharmacy school and it’s the middle of finals week, so we are rather brain dead. I am trying to teach him something in Polish, which I speak fluently, but he hadn’t even heard it spoken before he met me. He is mangling the pronunciation and I am laughing at him.)

Roommate: “What?! I don’t speak Jewish!”

Me: “Umm, no… Polish.”

Roommate: “Well, they’re mostly Jewish, anyway.”

Me: “What?”

Roommate: “Oh, wait… That’s the Jews.”

(We both just stared at each other for a moment, processing what had just happened, and then died laughing.)

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This Just Isn’t Scanning Through Her Head

, , , | Right | December 21, 2018

(In Canada, the Scanning Code of Practice states that if a product rings up at a certain price but the shelf advertised it at a lower price, the customer gets the product for free, and a refund if they have already paid. This following exchange happens near the end of my long shift when I’m about ready to go home.)

Customer: “Excuse me. I just bought this [Specialty Bread], and the shelf said it was $2, but the receipt says it’s $2.99.”

Me: *after verifying that the bread is actually $2* “Okay, I can give you a refund for it.”

Customer: “Why am I getting my money back? I still want the bread; it’s what I came to the store for.”

Me: “You get your money back and the bread for free, since the shelf price and the scanning price are different. That’s the scanning code of practice.”

(I hand her the $3.00 and the refund slip for her to sign.)

Customer: “Okay, so, now that I have the money back for that, can you fix the price so I can pay what it’s supposed to be?”

Me: “No. You get your money back and the item for free if it rings up incorrectly. It’s only if you have two or more of the same product that you would get the first item for free, and then the second one you would get charged the shelf price for.”

Customer: “So, I don’t have to pay you any money? I just get my money and the bread for free?”

Me: *almost at the end of my patience* “Yes. That is the point of the Scanning Code of Practice.”

Customer: “Well, why didn’t you say that in the first place?”  

Me: *screaming internally*

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