Caught In The Middle

, , , , , | Friendly | December 1, 2018

(I am a remote employee. I’m chatting via phone with two coworkers who happen to be good friends of mine, as well. They ask if I need any supplies, and I jokingly say I need one of those edible fruit and chocolate arrangements from TV. Unbeknownst to me, these two sweethearts decide that because my husband and I have had to deal with a lot lately, they will split the cost of actually ordering one of these arrangements for us as a surprise. Of note is that these two guys only ever refer to me by my middle name, and I’m not really used to hearing it anywhere else. A few days later, having forgotten all about my offhand joke, I am working at home when there is a knock at my door early in the morning. I initially ignore it, because we get a lot of solicitors and I’m not expecting anything. But then there’s a louder knock and I finally answer it.)

Delivery Guy: *holding the bouquet with a big smile* “[Middle Name]?”

Me: “Oh! I think you have the wrong house.”

Delivery Guy: “Oh! I’m sorry.”

Me: “No problem. Have a good day.”

(A few minutes later he knocks again.)

Delivery Guy: “Sorry, I’ve just confirmed this is the address. Is it maybe a surprise for you?”

Me: “Well… there’s no [My Own Friggin Middle Name] here.”

Delivery Guy: “Hmm! Okay, sorry for the bother; I’ll get it sorted.”

(I shut the door and my husband pokes his head into the hallway.)

Husband: “What was that?”

Me: “A delivery for someone named [Once Again, I Stress, MY Middle Name]. Wrong address.”

Husband: *stares at me*

Me: “What?”

Husband: “Honey…”

Me: “Oh, my God, I’M [YES, MY MIDDLE NAME]!”

(I ran outside. Luckily, the poor delivery guy hadn’t driven off, as he was sitting in his vehicle calling the office trying to sort things out. He had a good laugh at my expense, and I tipped him generously to make up for my lapse in brain activity. I’m glad I have such thoughtful friends and coworkers, even if I must sometimes make them question whether I’m worth the effort if it’s this much trouble to do something nice for me.)

Forming An Unsavory Opinion Of This Student

, , , , , | Learning | December 1, 2018

(I’m an academic advisor. Most of my students are freshmen, so they don’t know how the registration process works. I send a short email with bullet points of all the information they need, and tell them they need to meet with me at some point during the next two weeks so they can be ready to register for spring classes. One student comes to see me. They have a question about another issue, and I tell them where to go to resolve it. They show me the forms, and I again tell them to go to the other office and they’ll fix the issue. We talk about classes, but they don’t know what to take. I look at their records and tell them two classes I strongly recommend taking ASAP, and pick out four other possibilities and suggest choosing two of those. The student seems satisfied.)

Me: “Okay, look over these, go to [School Website], and pick out the sections to make a schedule you like. Then, you’ll need to fill out this pre-registration form and bring it back for me to sign, and then you’re all set to register online on [date the following week].”

Student: “Okay. Wait, what about [issue we talked about before]? I need you to fix that.”

Me: “Oh, no, you need to go to [other office] to fix that; they’re in the next building.”

Student: “Oh, okay. Then can you sign this form?”

Me: “Your forms for [issue]? No, [other office] needs to sign them.”

Student: “No, this form, [the pre-registration form they haven’t filled out yet].”

Me: “Sorry, no, that’s the one you need to fill out with your classes, and I’ll sign it once it’s filled out.”

Student: “Oh, okay.” *starts to gather their things* “Okay, thanks! Oh, before I go, can you sign this form?”

Me: *staring* “No, that’s the one you need to fill out first.”

Student: “Oh!” *laughs* “Sorry, okay.”

(The student gets all their stuff in their bag, stands up, takes the form from my desk, and moves as if to leave.)

Student: “Thank you for your help! Oh, wait, I need you to sign this form.”

Me: “No. That’s the pre-registration form you still haven’t filled out. I can’t sign it before you fill it out. Come back anytime before [date next week] and I’ll sign it. Then, you can submit it at [location] and you’ll be ready to register online.”

Student: *pause* “Oh…”

Me: “Fill out that form, then bring it back for me to sign. If I’m not here, drop it off with the receptionist, and I’ll sign it and submit it for you.”

Student: “Hmm…” *leaves, without another word*

(Yesterday was the student’s registration day, and they never brought back their form. Maybe it’s an antiquated system to have to get the advisor’s signature, but it’s not really that hard.)

Wasn’t Bready To Know About Different Types Of Bread

, , , , | Right | December 1, 2018

(A customer approaches a display with a variety of breads. He stops me and points to the basket of ciabatta rolls.)

Customer: “What’s this one?”

Me: “Oh, that’s a ciabatta roll. They’re very good.”

Customer: “They’re kind of hard, aren’t they?”

Me: “Yes, ciabatta has a very hard crust and firm, airy crumb. It softens up nicely when it’s heated, though. They make great sandwiches.”

Customer: “So it’s bread?”

The Cake Decorator Has Thankfully Run Out Of Spinach

, , , | Right | November 30, 2018

(I work in a grocery store bakery. It’s the end of my shift and I’m cleaning up when a customer tries to get my attention.)

Customer: “Do you have spinach dip platters?”

Me: “Um… if we did, they’d be over in the deli.” *points in the deli’s direction*

Customer: *angrily* “They already said they don’t.” *wanders off*

Me: “If you already knew the deli didn’t have any, why are you asking the cake decorator about it?”

Your Job Provides Some Killer Stories

, , , , | Legal | November 30, 2018

I had a customer call and ask for pricing to make a key for a motorcycle. He brought it in an hour or two later and dropped it off. A lot of locksmiths just simply don’t deal with motorcycles because of the hassle, and we were one of maybe two companies that did within at least a 30-mile radius.

I was usually the guy that got to do these, because I was pretty quick at it. I made a key for the bike, called the guy, and he came and got it.

That night on the news, there was a story about a local Craigslist sale where a guy met another guy to make a sale and got murdered… for a motorcycle. The pics they showed on the news looked exactly like the one I had made a key for.

I called the police when I got to work the next morning and told them about it, and gave them the name and number that the guy had given me when he dropped it off.

So, the guy not only took a stolen bike that was taken in a murder to a local shop, it turned out that he ended up calling the police and talking about buying the bike. Perhaps it was initially to try and cast suspicion away from himself, but he ended up confessing to it.

I just found out today that I won’t be testifying at his trial because he just plead out to 60 years in prison, and therefore won’t be having a trial.