The Answer To Their Question Is Just Crickets

, , , | Right | June 19, 2019

(I work in the office of a pest control company. A customer calls a tech, complaining about a cricket problem in her home.)

Tech: *arriving at customer’s home* “All right, ma’am, there isn’t really a cricket problem in Florida, so we don’t really have anything for them, but let me take a look around.”

Customer: “Please! They’ve been keeping me up at night!”

(The tech walks around the customer’s home and hears a distinct chirping sound. He looks up.)

Tech: “[Customer], you don’t have a cricket problem. Your smoke detector needs a new battery.”

Customer: “It is not my smoke detector! I know it’s crickets!”

(A neighbor just happens to drop by then, and the tech lets him in after making sure the customer is familiar with him.)

Tech: “Can I ask you a favor?”

Neighbor: “Sure!”

Tech: “Can you tell me what that noise is?”

(The neighbor looks around for a moment and then points at the smoke detector.)

Neighbor: “Looks like it’s the smoke detector.”

Customer: “It’s not the smoke detector!!”

Tech: *to neighbor* “I’m not really allowed to mess with that. Can you take it down?”

(The neighbor removes the dead battery.)

Customer: “Hey! The noise stopped!” *after a moment* “So, what are you going to do about the crickets?”

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Timbits Are Elementary Particles

, , , , , | Right | June 19, 2019

(I am working drive-thru in a popular Canadian coffee shop. A lady pulls up to the speaker and orders a box of twenty timbits. She asks to have the box divided into three bags. I tell her we can do this, but then she goes on and on and about how each bag needs to be exactly the same. Normally, I would tell my coworker to just put seven into each bag, but she is being insufferable, so I ring in a box of twenty timbits plus one timbit extra.)

Customer: “What is this? What are you charging me the extra timbit for?! I asked for twenty timbits to be divided equally between three bags!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, as you already know, twenty can’t be divided equally by three, so we had to charge you for one extra one.”

(I thought she was going to implode. I had never seen someone turn that shade of red before.)

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“It Doesn’t Work” Doesn’t Work As A Descriptor

, , , , , | Right | June 18, 2019

(I work in a small call center providing technical support to retirement homes. I have the utmost respect for nurses. However, they are some of the worst when it comes to technical support. There is a very common documentation software we deal with.)

Caller: “My computer doesn’t work.”

Me: “Okay, we’ll take a look and see what’s going on. What’s happening on the screen?”

Caller: “It doesn’t work.”

Me: “So, it’s not coming on?”

Caller: “Well, no, it doesn’t work.”

Me: “So, no lights at all?”

Caller: “Well, no, the lights are on.”

Me: “So, it has power.”

Caller: “I guess. But it doesn’t work.”

Me: “Is there anything on the screen?”

Caller: “No, it doesn’t work.”

Me: “So, you have a completely black screen?”

Caller: “Well, no, but it doesn’t work.”

(My patience fading…)

Me: “What, exactly, does the screen look like?”

Caller: “Well, it’s white.”

Me: “So, you have a blank, white screen?”

Caller: “Yes, it doesn’t work.”

Me: “So, there is a blank, white screen, nothing on it?”

Caller: “Yes, because it doesn’t work.”

Me: “Did this happen when you turned the computer on? Or were you working on something?”

Caller: “No, I wasn’t doing anything. It just stopped working.”

Me: “So, you logged in and got a blank, white screen.”

Caller: “Well, no. I put my name thing in and password.”

Me: “So, you could log in.”

Caller: “I guess, but it doesn’t work.”

Me: “So, you logged in and the screen went white.”

Caller: “Well, no. I had the blue screen first.”

Me: “Okay. You went to the desktop? Where you saw icons?”

Caller: “Well, yes. But it’s not working.”

(But is it working?)

Me: “So, you were on the desktop, and then everything went white?”

Caller: “Well, no, I was doing documentation.”

Me: “So, you were in [Documentation Software] and the program stopped working?”

Caller: “Well, it doesn’t work.”

Me: “So, you were able to log in and start using [Documentation Software], and now the screen is blank and white?”

Caller: “Well, no.”

Me: “So, is there something on the screen?

Caller: “Well, no. Not really.”

Me: “Not really?”

Caller: “Well, it’s not working.”

Me: “I understand that it’s not working. But is there something on the screen?”

Caller: “Well, yes, but not my documentation.”

Me: “Okay, can you describe it for me? Tell me everything on the screen from top to bottom.”

Caller: “But it’s not working.”

Me: “Yes, I know. But I need to know exactly what’s not working.”

Caller: “Well, it’s my computer. It’s not working.”

Me: “Are there words on your screen?”

Caller: “Well, yes, but not [Documentation Software].”

Me: “Okay. What are the words on your screen? Read it to me.”

Caller: “It says, ‘Login Expired.”’”

Me: “So, you need a password update?”

Caller: “Well, yes. Because it’s not working.”

Me: “Okay. Your new password is [password]. You can log back in.”

Caller: “Oh! It’s working again! I guess it fixed itself!” *click*

(Cue my coworkers’ screams of laughter. Luckily, most of our calls are not this bad!)

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Leaving Room For The Invisible Boatmobile

, , , , , , | Friendly | June 18, 2019

Some years ago, I bought a second car, so I wanted the driveway widened to double its width. I called up the city and they did a “curb-drop,” and then I had the driveway widened. Until the concrete set, they left barriers around the work. Afterward, they picked up their gear but left one sawhorse barrier; you know, the one with the yellow- and black-striped crossbar.

Across the street from my house is a church and a contractor was doing some work on the roof. He parked his vehicle across the new section of my driveway. Bear in mind that there were no other vehicles parked on the street and he could have parked anywhere else. I knew what game he was playing, so I was not going to play into it by calling the police.

After he left, I went out and got the barrier the city had so fortuitously left laying on my front lawn. I set it up to block him from parking across my driveway the next day. As luck would have it, my wife was standing at the window watching when he arrived the next day. She said he pulled up to the barrier and stopped, and his eyes bugged out as his face went red. He slammed his truck into reverse and actually chirped his tires as he pulled away and parked halfway down the street! Again, there were no other vehicles parked on the street! He could have just parked across the street in front of the church where he was working. She then said he stomped up and down the street dragging boxes of tools to where he was working, his face twisted with rage.

He never tried to park in front of our driveway again. One of the dynamics of this kind of exchange is that the less effort you expend to defeat someone, the greater the victory.

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Anti-Brain-Freeze

, , , , | Right | June 17, 2019

(I work at a convenience store that’s part of a gas station, and we often stock some automotive supplies inside or in front of the convenience store. One particular very cold day, when it’s -12 F,  a regular customer walks by as I am stocking antifreeze in front of the store.)

Customer: “Hey, [My Name], no one’s going to buy that if it’s frozen solid.”

(I just stare at the customer for a few seconds until it clicks in his head.)

Customer: “Please don’t tell anyone I said that.”

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