Best To Just Say “Hakuna Matata” And Move On

, , , , , | Learning | December 25, 2018

(This story takes place when I am in the second grade. There is some kind of school-wide book writing contest going on that everybody is supposed to participate in. I decide to make an animal counting book with weird adjectives and interesting animals. One of the animals I pick is the meerkat, which I love to watch on “Meerkat Manor” after school. I submit my story to my teacher and am surprised when she calls me up to talk about it.)

Teacher: “Oh, this is nice. I like what you’ve done. But sweetie, you know meerkats aren’t real, right?”

Me: “What? Yes, they are.”

Teacher: “No, sweetie, I don’t think so. They’re just in that Lion King movie.”

Me: “Meerkats are real! I watch them on TV all the time! It’s on Animal Planet!”

(After more protests and my second-grade self rambling about the show, she Googled it on her computer, still extremely skeptical. As pictures of very real meerkats came up she seemed bewildered and dismissed me. She actually seemed so confused, I’m not sure she even trusted the pictures on Google.)

1 Thumbs

An Order Disorder

, , , , | Right | December 25, 2018

(I have a seasonal job making and selling pancakes at a Christmas market. It’s pretty packed. I have a backlog of twenty separate orders, which I have memorised, and I am just waiting for fresh pancakes to be cooked so I can start handing them out in the order I took them. All the customers have been informed of the process, and their rough queue position. The chef starts handing me pancakes so I can add the toppings.)

Me: *working as I put things on the pass for collection and call out orders* “Two chocolate… one chocolate, one strawberry… three just sugar… one apple and chocolate.”

(A customer from near the back of the queue runs up, past everyone else, and grabs order number four.)

Customer: “Oh, that’s not what I ordered at all! But I guess it’ll have to do!” *runs off before I can say anything*

Me: *speechless*

Customer In Front Of Me: “Did she just take my food?!”

1 Thumbs

Some Family Trees Are Thicker Than Others

, , , , , | Learning | December 24, 2018

(I’ve been working as a cab driver for a few months now, but I’ll never forget my very first ride. I pick up two dark-skinned, African-American, fifteen-year-old girls from their school.)

Girl #1: “I have to do the genealogy project on my family, but not on me since I’m adopted.”

Girl #2: “You’re adopted?!”

Girl #1: “Yeah…?”

Girl #2: “You never told me that!”

Girl #1: “Dude, are you serious!? My parents are white!

1 Thumbs

Christmas Is Her(e)

, , , , , , , | Working | December 24, 2018

I’m a guy who works on an office team with five women. We decided to have a Secret Santa gift exchange over the holidays, giving one small gift each week leading up to a larger gift just before Christmas. During one of our meetings, we’re talking about what gifts we’ve received and I say, “My Secret Santa’s gotten me some nice things. I wonder what she’ll do for the large gift.”

One of my other coworkers asks, “How do you know your Secret Santa is a she?”

My boss responds, “Well, if it’s not, his Secret Santa has a little bit bigger secret than just being his Santa.” My coworker struggles to understand for a minute, but we all get a little laugh that day.

1 Thumbs

He’s Insuring His Own Fate

, , , , | Legal | December 23, 2018

(I am in traffic court for a speeding ticket. While there, I overhear this exchange:)

Judge: “Mr. [Ticketee], you had a citation for driving without insurance. Do you now have proof of insurance?”

Ticketee: “Yes, right here. I had insurance at the time I was stopped, but didn’t have the proof with me.”

(The judge takes some papers from him.)

Judge: “Okay, you were driving a [Make, Model, and Year of Car] at the time?”

Ticketee: “Yes.”

Judge: “The insurance information you just gave me is for a [totally different vehicle], and the name listed on the policy is not yours.”

Ticketee: “It’s my friend’s insurance.”

Judge: “How does that help you in this case?”

Ticketee: “I didn’t think you would look closely.”

1 Thumbs