That Tabled THAT Discussion

, , | Right | January 22, 2019

(A customer is considering purchasing a dining table. The table she chooses is an 84-inch single-plank — meaning the table-top is in one piece, which has been explained to the customer — that we have in the stockroom in a box. She wants to know delivery options.)

Coworker: “Well, the store itself can’t deliver the table, but we do have a third-party service that will do it. The most economical option might just be to rent a truck for twenty bucks.”

Customer: “Is it a big box?”

Coworker: “Well, it’s a seven-foot table…”

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Might Need To Sit Down For This One

, , , | Right | January 21, 2019

(I work in a pretty well-known concert venue. I get all sorts of calls that make very little sense to me, but this one really sticks with me.)

Me: “[Venue]. This is [My Name]; how can I help you?”

Caller: “I purchased tickets for [Show]; they’re standing-up tickets. Does that mean I’ll be standing up?”

(For most show we sell mezzanine seats or general admission – “Standing Room Only.”)

Me: “You purchased SRO tickets?”

Caller: “Yes, I’ve got standing-up tickets. Does that mean I’ll be standing up for the show?”

Me: “Yes, SRO tickets mean standing.”

Caller: “So, there aren’t seats for standing-up tickets?”

Me: “No, they are standing room.”

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Periodically Bloated

, , , , , | Working | January 21, 2019

(I’m having really bad back pain so I ask my Mum to drop a hot water bottle to work for me in the hope that it will help. I go down to the canteen there to fill it up and grab some chocolate while I’m there. Another woman is making tea at the same time and she sees my hot water bottle and chocolate.)

Worker: *sympathetically* “That time of the month, huh?”

(I laugh and gesture to my stomach.)

Worker:Wow! You get really bloated on your period. Does that not hurt?!”

Me: “Uh… I’m seven months pregnant!”

Worker: “I know they say you shouldn’t ask a woman if she’s pregnant, but I really should have copped that one, shouldn’t I? I’m so embarrassed!”

(For the next couple of weeks I seemed to pass the same woman a lot and she always jokingly pretended she didn’t notice I was pregnant. It really amused me.)

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Give This Customer A Cupcake

, , , , , , | Right | January 21, 2019

(A young woman walks into our vet’s office with a German Shepherd.)

Me: “Good afternoon, ma’am. Do you have an appointment?”

Lady: “Yes, my name is [Lady] and this is Cupcake.”

Me: “I see he is here for his rabies and distemper shots.”

Lady: “That’s correct.”

Me: “I don’t want to sound condescending, but the distemper shot won’t make him nicer.”

Lady: “Oh, I know that… Do people actually believe that?”

(I’m a little shocked by this.)

Me: “Unfortunately, you’re one of the few people I’ve met that hasn’t said, ‘When will it make my pet nicer?’”

Lady: “I’m sorry you guys have to deal with knuckleheads like that.”

Me: “It’s okay. Every job has its risks.”

(I wish I could’ve given her a discount. I found out later that she is a service dog trainer. My niece is blind, and Cupcake became her service dog after she learned how to use a cane.)

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The Kids’ Version Comes With Jesus Juice

, , , , , | Right | January 20, 2019

(This takes place at a fairly nice restaurant at the table next to where I am sitting.)

Customer: “Can you remake this Bloody Mary?”

Waitress: “What’s the problem with it?”

Customer: “It’s too weak! I can barely taste the Mary Juice!”

Waitress: “I will have them remake it with more… Mary Juice.”

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