Your Compliance Goes Up In Smoke

, , , , | Working | December 1, 2019

(I work for a company that contracts out for compliance checks for tobacco and alcohol sales. Since it is the beginning of the month, our manager is on our case about passing the compliance check. Sometimes the people hired aren’t always the brightest.)

Customer: “I want a pack of [Brand] short 100s.”

(Catching the contradiction a smoker wouldn’t make — shorts being the king length cigarettes and 100s being a bit longer — I know she is either the compliance check employee or buying for a kid.)

Me: “I’m sorry, we have [Brand] shorts and [Brand] 100s. Which did you want?”

Customer: “100s.”

(I grab the pack of 100s from our rack behind the counter and ask her again, to make sure I have the right product.)

Me: “These, correct?”

Customer: “No, the short 100s!”

(I grab the other pack and bring both to the counter for her to inspect.)

Me: “We have [Brand] shorts and [Brand] 100s.”

(I indicate both packs to show the difference.)

Customer: “All right, the shorts.”

(I scan the barcode and instantly the POS asks for an ID.)

Me: “Ma’am, can I please see your ID?”

(She graciously presents it to me, and I swipe it on the POS to electronically verify it.)

Me: “Thank you. Your total is $5.95.”

Customer: “Congratulations, you passed!”

(She then hands me the green card for the compliance check. However, instead of the compliance check company name printed across the top of the card, it has our competitor’s name and logo from the opposite side of town.)

Me: “Um, this is for [Competitor].”

Customer: “I’m sorry about that! Let me get your card from my car.”

(She returned a minute later with the correct card. A week later, we found out that she wasn’t actually hired by our company; she was only supposed to check our competitor, so this compliance check didn’t even count for our store.)

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The Ambiguous Family Robinson

, , , , , | Related | December 1, 2019

(When I am a kid, my family is watching the Disney movie “The Swiss Family Robinson.”)

Me: “So, where are they from? They’re not English.”

Dad: “Maybe France?”

Mom: “Germany? Or are they Dutch?”

(It took us an embarrassingly long time to figure it out.)

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Say My Name, Say My Name

, , , | Legal | November 30, 2019

(We get a few computer scammers, but my husband usually answers. Today, I get the scammer.)

Me: “Hello?”

Scammer: *starts a spiel about how our computer came up in a report for infected computers*

Me: “Really? That’s amazing that you can do that.” *shooing my son away to concentrate on the call*

Scammer: “Ma’am, I need you to open [program].” *call quality is spotty*

Me: “Hold on, I’ll try to get that up.” *aside to son* “Not now, just a minute!”

Scammer: “Ma’am, are you playing with your child? You really need to pay attention, because your computer is at risk.”

Me: “Okay, no. This is not serious, you are trying a scam on me. The program you want me to pull will show me errors you say are viruses.”

Scammer: “No, no. We have a report that your machine is sending out viruses to others—”

Me: “Okay, what’s my computer name?”

Scammer: “What?”

Me: “What’s my computer name? If you are getting reports and can trace it back to me, you obviously have some identifying information. So I assume you know my computer name.”

Scammer: “Look, ma’am, you need to take this seriously. This puts computers at risk—”

Me: “Why, so you can access my files remotely? Tell me my computer name, and we’ll do business.”

Scammer: “This is serious security!”

Me: “What is my computer name?”

Scammer: *click*

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For The Record, This Isn’t Recorded

, , , | Right | November 30, 2019

(As part of my job, I have to contact customers to let them know the status of their repairs. Normally, it goes well but every so often…)

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name] at [Store]. I’m calling to—”

Customer: *click*

Me: *redials* “Hello, this is [My Name] at [Store].”  

Customer: “Oh! You’re not a recording?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I’m just calling to let you know that your computer is ready to be picked up.”

Customer: “You sounded just like a recording!”

Me: “I’ve been told that before.”

(Sometimes I didn’t even get that far, and they’d still hang up on the second try. Then, I’d just note on the account that they hung up on me, so if they called to complain about not getting a status report, we’d have a valid reason to give them.)

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It’s All In The Redelivery

, , , , | Working | November 30, 2019

(My husband and I have ordered a pizza and it arrives right on time. However, the pizza guy looks very nervous as soon as we answer the door.)

Pizza Guy: “Hello, did you have… [completely wrong order]?”

Me: “Hi. No, we ordered [correct order].”

Pizza Guy: *looking even more nervous* “That’s what I was afraid of. Um, I am so sorry, but I accidentally delivered your order to the house before this. Is there any way you would want this order? It’s bigger.”

Me: “Um, no, sorry. We’re vegetarians.”

Pizza Guy: “Oh, um, okay. Well, I’ll be right back.”

(My husband asks me to call the pizza shop to make sure that he is in fact going back to the shop to get our order remade, and not back to the other people’s house. I laugh at him and tell him not be ridiculous, but he insists. No sooner than I have dialed the shop, the driver comes back.)

Pizza Guy: “Oh, um, the other people already started eating your order. So, um, I guess I have to go back to the shop.”

Me: “Wait, did you seriously actually go to a stranger’s house to pick up pizzas that had been there a while and plan to deliver them to my house? I don’t know them. That would not be okay.”

Pizza Guy: “Oh, um… I guess I’m not sure what to do.”

(I ask him to just go back to the shop and I’ll call them.)

Pizza Guy: “No, no, don’t do that. I’ll just go get it remade. I’ll be back in fifteen minutes. I’ll get it done.”

(On a hunch, I called the shop, anyway. The manager was furious. It turns out it was a fireable offense to carry two deliveries at once, for robbery purposes, and this person had already been warned about this. The manager comped our pizza and sent a different driver out. I feel bad for getting that guy in trouble, but I could not believe that he tried to take pizza from one person’ s home and bring it to another person.)

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