Your Brain Has Cashed Out For The Evening

, , , | Right | January 1, 2019

(I’m the dumb customer in this one. I pretty much never get gas at the same place every time. I also never pay at the pump; when I prepay with my card, some gas stations will automatically refund the amount to the card while others make me come in and get cash, so I always make it a point to ask before I pump. It has already been a long day, and I am getting gas before I have to go to class.)

Me: *sets energy drink on the counter* “I need $25 in pump [number].”

Cashier: “That’ll be $30.”

Me: *hands her cash*

Cashier: *hands me change*

Me: “If it all doesn’t fit in the tank, do I have to come back in, or will you automatically put it back on my card?”

Cashier: “Well, you paid in cash, so…”

Me: *facepalm*

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Her Light Bulb Is Cracked

, , , , , | Legal | January 1, 2019

Years ago, circa 2010, I worked as door staff at a fairly rough nightclub. We had a policy that every person through the door had to be searched with a wand and be subject to a bag check. I searched a woman and found a baggie of white powder in her purse. I confiscated it and turned her away; she began ranting and screaming at me but her friends escorted her away. I put the bag in our drug safe to be turned over to the cops and carried on with work.

A little while later, a police car drove up and two officers got out. The woman from before came storming back up and started screaming again. One of the officers said, “We have a report that you stole a mobile phone.” I was mystified as I didn’t even have a phone on me, but then the woman started ranting at him about me stealing from her.

A light bulb flashed on in my brain, and I radioed the manager to bring the baggie out. When she did, the crazy woman snatched it and started waving it at the police, telling them to arrest me for theft. The look on their faces was priceless as they arrested her and tested the powder; it came back positive — for what I don’t know, but the little pack changed color. It turned out that she had called 999 and the operator had misheard what she was ranting about and thought she said mobile. Gotta love drunk idiots!

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That Was Still Productive

, , , , , | Working | January 1, 2019

(When I first get promoted to management, part of my training is learning to interview a potential employee. My first interview, monitored by my boss, is of an older gentleman who is retired and just needs something to occupy his time, part time. It goes like this:)

Me: “Are you capable of multitasking, and if so, can you give an example of when you did?”

Interviewee: “So, let’s just say there’s a terrible car crash. And you—“ *points to me* “—are horribly mangled; your limbs are everywhere! But he—“ *points to my boss* “—just has a concussion. Clearly, I would help you first right?!”

(Okay, not an example of multitasking, but I guess it’s good prioritization? I proceed with my final question.)

Me: “Have you ever worked with an unproductive coworker, and if so, how did you handle the situation?”

Interviewee: “What does that mean? Unproductive? I don’t know what that means.”

(End of interview. But my boss said it was a great example of who not to hire.)

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Very Ignorant Person

, , , | Right | January 1, 2019

(I work as a security guard, mostly at concerts, and tonight I am stationed at a VIP section. The way it’s set up, there is only one entrance/exit, and I am standing right in front of it. A patron approaches me.)

Patron: “Hi. Can I go in there?”

Me: “Do you have a VIP pass?”

Patron: “Uh, is this it?”

(She shows me the standard entry pass, which is a wristband that says the name of the concert on it.)

Me: “No, that’s a standard entry pass.”

Patron: “Okay, great!”

(She begins to walk past me, and I stop her.)

Me: “Miss, you can’t go in until you show me a VIP pass.”

Patron: “But I just did show you my pass!”

Me: “No, ma’am, you showed me your entry pass to get into [Concert], not a VIP pass.”

Patron: “This is ridiculous! I paid good money to get in this place, and now you’re f****** telling me I can’t go into VIP?”

Me: “Yup.”

(She screamed her lungs out and proceeded to kick several bins over and yell at random people. Do people really not know what “VIP” means?)

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They Are Not E-volving

, , , | Right | December 31, 2018

(I am manning the checkout at a bookstore when a woman approaches me.)

Customer: “Hello. Could you show me where the e-books are?”

Me: “As in the readers?”

Customer: “No, the books.”

Me: “The books are electronic. They’re bought online and downloaded to an e-reader.”

Customer: “I know that! But I want to know where they are!”

Me: “Well, [Brand] books are available on [Website], as well as [Other Brand]. We sell vouchers for both of them, if that’s what you’re asking for?”

Customer: *looking at me like I’m stupid* “Can someone else help me? You don’t know.”

Colleague: “Yes, madam?”

Customer: “Where are your e-books?”

Colleague: “The readers are over there.”

Customer: *huffs* “Why can no one answer this simple question?! WHERE ARE THE E-BOOKS?!”

Me: “Madam, I’ve already told you, they’re bought online.”

Customer: “Then what is all this for?!” *gestures to the entire store*

Colleague: “Umm, we’re a bookstore. A… paper… bookstore.”

Customer: “Paper? No one reads on paper anymore! If you aren’t willing to help me, I’ll take my business elsewhere!” *walks out*

(We both look at each other.)

Colleague: “Well, that’s my first crazy for the day, and I only started fifteen minutes ago!”

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