Bingo Is A Dying Game

, , | Working | April 22, 2018

(When you enter a bingo hall, you have to have your membership card swiped to “check in” for that day. For many reasons, we have messages pop up: birthdays, ID required, banned member, etc. I am working on the swipe system when some regular customers turn up and hand me their cards. I swipe one and I get an error message, which is accompanied by a strange sound.)

Me: “I’m sorry; there appears to be a problem…”

Customer: “Really? What’s wrong?”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Well, it says here that your card has been declined as you’re, uh, dead?”

Customer: “Dead?”

(When a customer passes away, a manager has to update their card to set their status from Active to Deceased. Each member has a specific card number, but it’s easy to get a digit wrong. The customer was a great sport about it.)

Me No Speak Americano, Part 5

, , , | Right | April 22, 2018

(I have just started working at this very well-known coffee shop. Because of this, I have a trainer stick pretty close to me in case I seem stuck. On my first day of register training, this old guy comes up to order.)

Me: “Hello, sir! Welcome to [Shop]. What can I get started for you?”

Old Guy: “I’ll have a medium, non-fat Americano.

(I stutter for a moment, knowing that an Americano is just espresso and hot water.)

Me: “You mean decaf?”

Old Guy: “No! Non-fat!”

(My trainer hears what’s going on and comes to my rescue.)

Trainer: *being very nice* “Sir, just so you know, an Americano is just hot water and espresso. It cannot be non-fat. The closest we can do is make it decaf.”

Old Guy: “Yes, it can! They do it for me all of the time! If you add cold water, it makes it non-fat! You guys clearly don’t know your own menu!”

Me: “…”

Trainer: “Uh… Okay, sir. We’ll have it ready in a minute.”

Related:
Me No Speak Americano, Part 4
Me No Speak Americano, Part 3
Me No Speak Americano, Part 2

Thieves Are On The Periphery Of Society

, , , , , | Learning | April 22, 2018

(This story takes place in the late nineties. I have a fairly sizeable collection of novelty pencils: patterns, holographic, Lisa Frank, etc. During one class, I have three out at once for some reason, and as I’m focused on writing something, I see a classmate’s hand inching towards one of them out of the corner of my eye.)

Me: “Don’t touch my pencils.”

Classmate: *shocked* “How did you know?!”

Me: “Peripheral vision?”

Classmate: “What?”

(For the rest of the class, he kept putting his hands where he thought I wouldn’t see, and was amazed every time I did.)

Got To Give Him Credit For Trying, Part 5

, , | Right | April 20, 2018

(I have called a customer’s bookkeeping department to let them know we will not be loading their employees, currently at our shop, due to their account being overdue.)

Me: “If you’d like to give me a credit card number over the phone, I can get your account paid up and your employees loaded and on their way.”

Bookkeeping: “Oh, no, I won’t be giving you a card over the phone. No one here has one.”

Me: “All right, ma’am, but I will not be loading your employees until your account is paid in full.”

Bookkeeping: “Can I fax you a check?”

Me: *pause* “No, I don’t think that’s going to work.”

Bookkeeping: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I am sure that we will not be taking a faxed check.”

Bookkeeping: “Okay, I’ll call you back.” *hangs up*

(The job site supervisor calls; the guys at our shop have let him know we won’t load them.)

Supervisor: “What’s going on today?”

Me: “Non-payment again, I’m afraid. I’ve already spoken to bookkeeping.”

Supervisor: “Can someone give you a credit card over the phone? My guys need to get to the job.”

Me: “Absolutely, but bookkeeping has already told me that they won’t be doing that, and that no one has a credit card. They offered to fax me a check.”

Supervisor: *pause* “Really? I’ll call you back.”

(They were somehow able to find an employee with a credit card so the guys at my shop could get loaded and leave.)

No Trend Towards Blend

, , , , , | Working | April 20, 2018

(My husband and I decide to try a new independent coffee shop that everyone keeps talking about. It is a hot summer day, and I usually don’t order blended coffee drinks, but the shop has a large selection that sound good and a sign advertising them as a great way to cool down in the heat and humidity. It is around one in the afternoon, so it’s not right after opening and not anywhere near closing, and the shop isn’t busy.)

Barista: “Hi, welcome to [Coffee Shop]. What can I get started for you? Our blended drinks are great for this weather.”

Me: “Yes, they sound perfect. I’ll try the [Blended Drink].”

Barista: “Oh, well, I’ll have to get the blender out.”

(The barista stares at me. I stare at her. After several more seconds of uncomfortable staring…)

Me: “Well, I guess I’ll just have an iced latte.”

Barista: “Great! I’ll get that started. Next time, you really should try one of our blended drinks!”

Me: “…”

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