A Stupid Call By Any Metric, Part 2

, , , , , | | Right | June 17, 2019

(I check out a customer purchasing a large exercise ball that measures 65 centimeters. I say hello and ask how things are.)

Customer #1: “Good. I’m hoping this ball will be big enough.”

Me: “Well, you can use Google to convert the centimeters into feet.”

Customer #1: “I’m an American; I don’t want to do that.”

(I stare in disbelief and finish the purchase. Then, the next customer comes up to my register; they have overheard what the first customer said.)

Customer #2: “Wow, what a great way to prove your ignorance.”

Me: “You heard that, too? I thought I just imagined it.”

A Stupid Call By Any Metric

Super Committed To The Part

, , , , , | | Legal | June 16, 2019

(I am sitting at a cafe with some friends when a guy we don’t know approaches us. He’s holding a box with a slot on it.)

Guy: “Hello. Excuse me for bothering you, but I’m raising a fund for two friends of mine. They had a motorcycle accident and both of them are near death. My other friends and I are trying to get enough money to pay for the surgery they need. Can you spare any?”

(We all smell a scam easily and say, “No, thank you.” After trying to change our minds for a couple of minutes, he moves on to other tables. Over the next several years, I occasionally still see him in cafes in different parts of the city, but he never speaks to me again until one day, four years after the first time, at a very different place.)

Guy: “Hello. Excuse me for bothering you, but my friends had a motorcycle accident and are fighting for their lives in the hospital. Can you spare us some money for the surgery they need?”

Me: “Wow! They’re still fighting for their lives, four years later?”

Guy: *suddenly looks lost for words, begins to stammer* “Uh, I mean, it was a really bad accident. The doctors have been trying hard to keep them alive.”

(He stared at us for a few seconds and we stared back, and then he left without saying anything more. I kept seeing him here and there for a while, but that was our last interaction. I was kind of impressed that he still tried to explain his story.)

“D***, Jackie, I Can’t Control The Weather!”

, , , , , | | Romantic | June 15, 2019

(When my parents are dating, my dad is very shy about trying to “make a move,” so my mom tries to hurry things along. She convinces him to go outside and look at the full moon on a cold night.)

Mom: “My hands are cold.” *moves closer to my dad*

Dad: “Why don’t you put your hands in your pocket?”

(They eventually got it together and have been married for 46 years. So, when I started dating a guy I really liked, one of our early dates was to a football game that was really cold. He had also been shy about “making a move,” so I tried moving closer and saying that I was cold. He got up and went to the concession stand for hot chocolate. We’ve been married for three years.)

Up To Your Elbows In Newbie Ignorance

, , , , | | Working | June 14, 2019

(My brother is in the Navy. He isn’t high enough ranked to tell the captain, “She cannae take the strain, sair!” but he works with the ship’s engines and is high enough ranked to boss around the newbies. A number of his underlings are older and more experienced than he is because they had a civilian career before switching to the military, whereas he enlisted fresh out of high school. Those guys he’ll listen to, but some newbies are exactly as useless as you would expect.)

Brother: *finds a newbie struggling to loosen something*

Newbie: “It’s not working! It won’t budge.”

Brother: *waves it off* “Ah, just use some elbow grease!”

(Now, some people do not speak English as a first language. You would expect slang to go over their heads. Not this guy — Anglophone from the cradle. He gawks at my brother and asks:)

Newbie: “Where’s that, sir?”

(My brother blinks and thinks for a moment. He is not debating whether to prank this guy. I don’t know if this is universal to militaries or if it’s just Canada, but it’s believed that if you’re dumb enough to fall for something, you deserve the fall. So, it’s just a question of which prank to pull.)

Brother: “It’s in the bilge.”

(The ship’s bilge is… unpleasant. It’s not helped by the fact that military funding in Canada is a tad sporadic, leading to a culture of neurotic hoarding in case you can’t ever get a certain widget again – hoarding done largely by young men who are either bachelors or else effectively bachelors while deployed with the family at home, with all of the organization and cleanliness one would expect from such a group.)

Newbie: “Okay!” *toddles off to the bilge*

(My brother restrains laughter until the guy’s out of earshot, laughs, and gets on with the workday. Fast forward a couple hours: a superior officer comes up to him, trying desperately to suppress enough laughter to talk.)

Superior: “Hey, [Brother’s Nickname]! Did you send [Newbie] down to the bilge to look for elbow grease?”

Brother: “Oh, s***! I forgot about that! Is he still down there?”

Superior: “Yeah! He told me what you said, so I told him, ‘Keep looking! It’s always way in the back!’”

(As soon as my brother finished dying of laughter, he sprinted off to go rescue the newbie… who never did realize he’d been had.)

Leave A Black Mark On That Patient’s File

, , , , | | Healthy | June 13, 2019

(I work as a dental assistant. After doing some fillings for a patient, I walk her out to the front desk and she stops in the bathroom first. I notice our receptionist is busy with a call, and the dentist doesn’t have another patient for about 15 minutes, so I decide I’ll help out at the front desk and see the last patient out. She comes out of the bathroom and we have this conversation at the desk.)

Patient: “The dentist put a black filling in my mouth!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but there isn’t any such thing as a black filling. I can assure you [Doctor] only placed white composite fillings that match your tooth shade.”

Patient: “It’s right here! It’s black!” *points to a tooth on the opposite side from what we worked on*

Me: “Ma’am, [Doctor] placed fillings on the other side of your mouth. He didn’t touch the tooth you’re pointing to. What your pointing to is a silver amalgam filling that has aged and is no longer shiny, causing it to appear almost black.”

Patient: “No. This was not here before!”

Me: “Ma’am, where is your mouth frozen?”

Patient: *points to the side opposite of tooth she is complaining about*

Me: “That’s the side [Doctor] worked on, not the tooth you notice the dark spot on.”

Patient: “No, he did both. Go check with him or the nurse that was working with him.”

Me: “I am the assistant that was working with him. I’m just helping our receptionist, as she was busy with a call when you first came to the desk, and I can assure you that we did not work on that tooth or that side of your mouth. That is an old silver filling. If it bothers you, we can have the dentist look at it and see if he can replace it, but we’ll need to book you another appointment for that.”

Patient: “No, it’s fine.” *pays and leaves*

Receptionist: “I’m so glad that happened to you and not me.”

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