What Planet Are They On?

, , , | Right | August 14, 2020

I work at a museum with a planetarium, which is one of the few things you have to pay extra for.

Guest: “Do you have to pay extra for planetarium tickets?”

Me: “Yes, you do. If you’re interested, you can buy them up here at the desk.”

Guest: “But I already bought planetarium tickets!”

Artfully Setting Himself Up For Failure, Part 2

, , , , | Right | August 13, 2020

I work as a gallery attendant in a museum where my job is to talk to people about artworks in the galleries. We have this piece by the artist Joan Jonas — a lady who’s currently in her eighties — on display. Most people don’t recognize her name because she did her most famous works in the 1960s, so anyone too young to remember doesn’t often know her.

This guy who looks to be in his thirties and his mother come over.

Me: “This is done in conjunction with the artist Joan Jonas.”

Guy: “Joe Jonas? Isn’t he really popular right now?”

Me: “No, not Joe, Joan Jonas. She was part of the Fluxus movement but still does art now.”

Guy: “Yeah, I’ve heard of him. I don’t know much of his work but I hear a lot about him.”

I want to scream at this idiot.

Me:She has been around for quite some time and currently mentors this other artist, so they worked together on this. She makes some really amazing pieces.”

He then ignored me completely, went over to read the sign on the wall, and proceeded to explain the meaning behind the piece to his mother, getting absolutely every single thing wrong.

This wasn’t one of those pieces where the artist wanted everything to be open to interpretation; it had a very strong sociopolitical message and that’s why the artists wanted us there to explain it.

I just let the guy keep babbling about nonsense because he was clearly one of those geniuses who knows more about artworks his first time looking at them than the people who were literally trained by the artists themselves.

Artfully Setting Himself Up For Failure

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Gosh, We’ve Never Felt Safer

, , , , | Working | August 13, 2020

Our local bank announced a new security policy of “two-factor authentication”: you would enter your phone number, and it would send a text message to that number with a one-time code to log into your account. After several weeks of constantly entering my phone number and wondering why it didn’t just use the one associated with my account, a realization came to me.

During lunch, I entered the number for my work cell on a work computer, both of which the bank had no knowledge of previously. Sure enough, the bank sent a one-time code to the completely new phone and authenticated a completely new computer. It made absolutely no check that the phone number was valid.

Anyone could answer any phone number there and instantly have full access to anyone’s account.

I called the bank and told them how their supposedly two-factor authentication is actually zero-factor authentication, but they insisted it was working as designed. I finally moved my money to a different bank.

I recently learned that someone had hacked a whole bunch of accounts at the old bank, which they found odd, because they had recently moved to two-factor authentication in the month before, which was “more secure than a password.”

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Crocodile Denial, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | August 13, 2020

I work as a tour guide at a wildlife park. Today, I am showing a tour group of senior high school and college students from the US around our wildlife park. We arrive at one of the saltwater crocodiles, which are bigger and more dangerous than alligators. This one is five metres long and weighs nearly a metric tonne, and he is on the bank with only his tail in the water.

We are standing on a raised platform looking down at him. I finish my talk about crocodiles.

Me: “Does anyone have any questions?”

Tourist: “How do you make the crocodile do tricks?”

Me: *Pause* “I do not make him do tricks.”

Tourist: “But he’s just sitting there.”

Me: “Yes, crocodiles save their energy for when they need it. See how he’s watching us? He won’t move unless he decides it’s worth the effort.”

Tourist: “You should poke him.”

Me: “I’m not going to poke him.”

Tourist: “C’mon, he won’t move, I bet.”

Me: “He absolutely will move; he is very territorial. We do not enter his pen without a lot of precautions; he can attack very quickly.”

Tourist: “But he looks so lazy.”

Me: “Again, because he is saving his energy.”

Tourist: “I’m going to jump in there.”

The tourist goes to swing his foot up over the railing. Whether or not he’s joking doesn’t matter; I pull him back from the barrier.

Me: “Absolutely do not do that. You will die. And I will not be going in to save you.”

Tourist: “You won’t?”

Me: “No.”

He finally moved on after that.

Crocodile Denial

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Time Is Of The Essence… Of Stupidity

, , , , , | Working | August 12, 2020

I am at the airport waiting for my flight, which is set to leave in an hour, let’s say 10:00 am. The flight takes an hour and a half, so I will be getting to my destination around 11:30 am.

All of us waiting for said flight are disappointed to hear an announcement that the flight has been cancelled. We all need to rebook on other flights.

I find a young attendant who is very excited to help me. 

“Oh, miss, I am sorry to tell you, but the next flight for that state isn’t until 4:00 pm, and it will take an hour and a half.”

“So, 5:30 pm,” I say. “That’s okay.”

I am one of those people who actually doesn’t mind a lot of downtime as it gives me an excuse to read, doodle, and write. Besides, this also gives me an excuse to splurge on a nice lunch at one of the fussier restaurants on the concourse that I have never tried because I am usually on a tight schedule.

Then, he says, “Oh, wait! I have a flight in forty-five minutes. Then you won’t have to wait and you can get to your destination sooner.”

Well, okay, if it gets me there sooner.

He proceeds to explain that the flight is actually going first to State B, where I will catch a different plane for State C, where there will be a lengthy layover, and finally, we will go to State A, my destination.

“And it will get you there at 7:00 pm!” he finishes with a big happy smile.

My stomach is twisted in knots.

“No,” I say, “that’s not for me. I’ll take the later flight.”

He looks like he might cry. “But you won’t have to wait here for almost five hours! You can leave now!

“And I will be in the air for almost seven hours, up and down, if I leave now. Thank you, but I would prefer to relax, wait for the later flight, and maybe have a nice meal. Please book me for the later flight.”

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