Time To Black Face The Truth

, , , , , , | Friendly | December 6, 2019

(I go to a pet store to purchase some food for my pet bird. I am describing my lovebird, who happens to be a blue mutation, black-masked lovebird. When I describe him, I say he has a “black face, white collar, blue body, and a purple spot on his tail.” Some lady — who happens to be holding the leash of a black lab — gives a massive gasp, does the pearl-clutching gesture, and proceeds to lecture me:)

Woman: “Don’t say… that term! That’s racist! How can you be in public when you use that language?!”

Me: “Ma’am, I was talking to the cashier who inquired about my bird food purchase. I have a lovebird. I was describing his colors to her.”

Woman: “And you responded with a racist slur?!”

Me: “No… I didn’t. He is a black-masked lovebird. That’s literally his species. I said he has a black face.”

Woman: “You can’t say that!”

Me: “I just did.”

Woman: “Hasn’t your mother taught you to have respect for other ethnicities? That’s racist!”

Me: “Ma’am, there’s a difference between putting on makeup to offensively portray an ethnicity and using a similar term as a physical description for an animal.”

Woman: “There is no way to use… that term… inoffensively!”

Me: “Okay, I’m done trying to educate you.”

Woman: “You can’t ‘educate’ someone by claiming that racial terms are okay!”

Me: “Look, lady, I’m buying food for my bird. Buy the dog food for your black lab–” *she gasps again and looks outraged* “–and leave me alone.”

Woman: “You’re doing it again! Don’t call him a ‘black’ lab! Call him a ‘dark lab’!”

(I just rolled my eyes and walked away. I don’t understand this mentality.)

Can’t Duel A Man Who Duals

, , , , , | Learning | December 6, 2019

(This is a conversation I had with my friend and our senior over dinner. We are discussing hobbies and [Senior] mentions that he likes playing badminton.)

Friend: “Why aren’t you part of the badminton club if you play every week?”

Senior: “They wouldn’t let me in.”

Me: “Why not? Did you ask them?”

Senior: “I didn’t bother. I know they won’t.”

(I’m a bit puzzled as the badminton club isn’t competitive or anything. It’s more for learning how to play.)

Me: “Why not?”

Senior: “The thing is, back when I was a kid, I had this weirdo for a badminton coach and she taught me to play badminton completely wrongly.”

Me: “Wrongly? What did she do?”

(I’m thinking that my senior was maybe taught to hold the racquet wrongly or something minor like that.)

Senior: *looking slightly embarrassed* “Well… let’s just say I only found out last– Oh, wait. Two years ago now — that you were only supposed to use one racquet in badminton.”

(I trade incredulous looks with [Friend] and simply say the first thing that comes to my mind.)

Me: “What?”

Senior: “I’m serious.”

Me: *struggling to comprehend* “So… you play by dual-wielding racquets?”

Senior: “Yes.”

Friend: “I’ve seen him play. He’s actually really good.”

Me: “But– but two racquets?”

Senior: “Yeah. I hold the right one in reverse grip and hold the left one normally.”

(I’m completely and totally befuddled at what he told me, my mind struggling to comprehend what I have been told. Incidentally, my friend is still completely fine and not weirded out.)

Friend: “Have you tried using just one?”

Senior: “Yeah, but I always wind up slapping the shuttlecock with my other hand. Muscle memory.”

Me: *somewhat absently* “Ah, yeah. That’s understandable.”

(I’m wondering how the h*** his badminton coach became a coach in the first place, how the h*** she got hired by my senior’s parents, and how the h*** my senior, a straight-A, highly intelligent, mature, and sensible eighteen-year-old, didn’t notice that badminton was meant to be played with only one racquet until he was sixteen. When I asked him on a later date his answers were, “I’ll tell you when I find out,” “She was a family friend,” and, “I’m an idiot.” respectively.)

Try To Out-Guess Yourself

, , , | Right | December 6, 2019

(A patron is complaining because he can’t come up with a new email address for himself. I’ve told him multiple times that he needs to be more original.)

Patron: “It’s doing it to me again! Will you come and take a look at it?” 

Me: “I can look, but it’s like I’ve told you: you need to come up with something original”. 

Patron: “Well, I don’t know what to do!” 

Me: “…” 

Patron: “I mean, I even put in my old email address!” 

Me: “You’re putting in your old email address as a ‘unique’ name?” 

Patron: “Yes!” 

Me: “But that’s an address that has already been used. By you, no less.”

Patron: “So, I have to come up with something else still?” 

Me: “Yes. Something no one else has used. Including yourself.”

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An Odd Way To Get Even

, , , , | Right | December 5, 2019

(I have just boxed six cupcakes for a customer.)

Customer: “You know what? Gimme two more. I don’t like uneven numbers.”

Me: *looking pointedly at the six cupcakes in the box* “Yes, sir.”

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Why Even Bother Putting Text On Coupons Anymore

, , , , | Right | December 5, 2019

(During high school, I work as a fountain worker at a large chain of family restaurants. Every so often, the company sends coupon flyers in the mail to promote new entrees and new sundaes. All coupons state in fine print, “one coupon per party” — in other words, only one coupon per group paying together. One night, a woman at the window just doesn’t understand.)

Woman: “I’d like a [sundae and toppings].”

Man: “And I’ll take a [sundae and toppings].”

Me: “All right, anything else?”

Woman: “We have coupons!” *hands me two of the same coupon: half price for a regular sundae*

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I can only take one coupon; it’s one coupon per party. If you’d like, I can ring them up separately so you and your husband can both get the discount.”

Woman: *suddenly enraged* “What?! You’re kidding me! Where does it say that? That’s ridiculous!”

Me: *showing her the bottom of the coupon* “It’s right here.”

Woman: “’One per party’? That’s one coupon type per party! What, am I going to have a party by myself?!”

Me: “Ma’am, my register won’t even take two coupons on the same order. I really am sorry. Like I said, I can put them in as separate orders—”

Woman: “No! That’s stupid! Why the h*** would I pay twice?!”

Man: “It is kind of dumb…”

Woman: “Isn’t it?” *turns to the large group waiting to order behind her* “Isn’t it?! Who here can have a party with themselves? Huh? Anyone?! See? No one can! Now fix your machine!”

Me: “As I said, the machine can’t—”

Woman: “Fix it!”

Me: “Let me get my manager.”

(I shut the window and one of the senior waitresses near the window opens it to try and speak with the woman while I try and find the GM. I get to the back of the restaurant and I can still hear the woman in the front yelling about the coupons. The manager follows me up and talks with the woman.)

Manager: “Hello, ma’am, what seems to be the trouble?”

Woman: “Your stupid waitress won’t take my coupons!”

Manager: “All right, let me see.” *looks at the coupons* “Well, it says only one per party, meaning only one per check. Our system won’t even take two at the same time. If you’d like, I can split the order into two separate checks so you can use both.”

Woman: “No! Why would I pay twice?! I already told that teeny-bopper no! I’m not paying with my card twice!”

Manager: “I understand, but ma’am, our system—”

Woman: “No! You put it through!”

Manager: “All right, ma’am, I’ll pay for your sundae. Just remember for next time that it’s one per check.”

Woman: “Humph!”

(My manager rang them up and comped the sundaes, and when I handed them to the woman, she snatched them from my hands like I was diseased. At least the husband seemed to feel bad and slipped me $5 as a tip!)

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