That Will Probably Be In Non-Fiction

, , , , , | Right | October 23, 2018

Customer: “Where are your tiles for sale?”

Me: “We don’t sell tiles, sir. We’re a bookstore.”

Customer: “The ones you advertised on your sign out front. It says you have tiles for sale. Well, where are they?”

Me: “Sir, I’m afraid I have no idea of what you are speaking about. Again, we are a bookstore.”

Customer: “Well, one of your staff must be selling tiles, as you have it written on your sign.”

Me: “Let me just take a look at the sign, shall I?”

(I go outside and see written on the sign in big, clear letters, “New TITLES for sale,” along with our masthead of “BOOKSTORE.”)

Customer: “So, you don’t have any tiles, then?”

Driving You Away

, , , , , | Friendly | October 23, 2018

(A church associate has decided for me that she will be driving me to and from an event at another church. It’s a terrifying two-hour drive there as I find out that she’s a terrible driver; the way back is not much better. We are approaching an exit from the motorway that is just five minutes from my house. I do not realise just how inflexible she is until that moment.)

Me: “If you take the next turn to the left, I can give you the directions to my house.”

Associate: “No, I can’t do that. I only know one way to your house and have to use that. If I go this way, I won’t know how to get back to my place.”

Me: “But you would go the same way you always go home from my house; it’s only five minutes to my house from here.”

Associate: *getting upset* “No, no, no! I would be so confused. I have to go the only way I know.”

(She drives past the exit, and I wonder if she’s going to take the next exit, but she also speeds past it. Twenty minutes later, we pull up at her house.)

Associate: “Now I can take you home; I only know the way to your house from my house.”

(Twenty-five minutes later, I was so glad to finally get myself out of that car.)

No Litigation Hesitation

, , , , , , | Legal | October 23, 2018

I am a very experienced, expensive lawyer who has worked in the area of family law for over nineteen years. I am well known in my field, and have acted for people in expensive, protracted disputes.

I say this because the capacity of some clients to think that for “reasons” they know more about family law than I never ceases to amaze me.

My favourite was when a client was determined to take a course of action (involving the commencement of litigation rather than trying to resolve matters by way of a negotiation) which I had no doubt would cost him more in legal costs and result in a less favourable outcome.

Because I’m not an idiot, I advised him against his preferred course of action clearly, and confirmed my advice by way of letter, which he countersigned.

About a year later, the client had spent maybe $30,000.00 more in legal costs than he should have, and received the same, if not worse, outcome than would have occurred in a negotiated outcome.

Somewhat unsurprisingly, he was furious with me, although he knew that my advice had been clear and, because he’d countersigned the letter, he couldn’t deny receiving it.

I asked what on earth I had done wrong. His response will live with me until my dying day:

“YOU SHOULD HAVE WORKED HARDER TO CONVINCE ME.”

Sometimes… I just can’t.

This Solution Is All Mouth, No Action

, , , , , | Right | October 23, 2018

(I work in a call center that handles computer problems for a government agency, their contractors, and their business partners.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Help Desk]. This is [My Name]. How may I assist you?”

(The customer describes the issue, which involves needing to remote in to the computer to see what’s going on exactly. I get the information required and remote in.)

Customer: “It’s not doing it now. I’ve been seeing this issue over and over, and now that you’ve logged in, it’s gone away. What happened?”

(Having seen no issue, I use a figure of speech common to computer techs while half-chuckling.)

Me: “Eh, you probably just weren’t holding your mouth the right way.”

Customer: *pause, then surprise* “Can that really affect it?”

Me: “No, ma’am, it’s a figure of speech meaning that sometimes issues arise, and correct themselves for no obvious reason.”

Customer: “Oh…”

They’re All Better Than “Fifty Shades Of Grey”

, , , , , | Working | October 23, 2018

(I’m a receptionist at a local business. Like most front offices, there is a TV that stays on continuously during the day. It is a newer flat screen TV, probably around three years old. We usually put it on TV Land, HGTV, etc. But today it is on TCM, which plays old, classic movies. Of course, a lot of older movies are in black and white. I’m sitting out front, and one of my bosses walks by to get to the elevator. You have to pass the TV to get to the elevator.)

Boss: *looks up at the TV and shakes his head* “I’ve never understood why we have a black and white television.”

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