A Dress You Can Wear Once A Month

, , | Romantic | July 15, 2017

Woman: “I want a dress in your pastel pink collection.”

Me: Of course. Have you picked out a style?

Woman: “Well, I was wondering if you could drape it like a giant vagina.”

Me: “Umm…”

Woman: “Don’t worry, I’m not insane. But I am asking you to make me a vagina dress.”

Me: “And what is this for exactly?”

Woman: “My ex-husband’s wedding. Lord knows why he invited me. But I’m going to have as much fun with that cheating being-of-s*** as I can!”

(We did attempt the dress, but she wasn’t happy with how the period blood looked and decided to look elsewhere.)

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Shut Down Your Brain

, , , , , | Romantic | June 11, 2017

(I’m on a Skype phone call on my laptop with my ex-boyfriend. He just got done helping me finish a character for a Dungeons and Dragons game I’m trying to make. I start to talk about something when the Skype call drops and a second later my phone rings.)

Me: “Hello?”

Ex: “So, I am not a smart man.”

Me: “What happened?”

Ex: “Since we were done with your character and your voice was coming through my headphones I shut down my computer, which in turn ended the Skype call.”

Me: *cracking up for the next five minutes*

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Raising Her Game, Not The Next Generation

, , , , | Romantic | November 18, 2013

(It is a few days before I leave my hometown for college. An ex is back in town for a while with his young son. I agree to walk around with him while we we’re both bored one night.)

Ex: “You know what? If we had stayed together, you would have had six kids by now.”

Me: “That is, without a doubt, the worst pick-up line I’ve ever heard.”

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