I’m P(r)etty Pregnant

, , , , , , , | Romantic | July 27, 2018

There was a guy I met via a dating app, with whom I went on several dates. It got very serious, very quickly, and he started talking about me potentially becoming his girlfriend.

After a little over a month of going on dates, I got a Snapchat from him with the caption, “Girlfriend hack!” and a picture of some other girl. I immediately asked him about her, and he confessed that it was his girlfriend of over a year. I was heartbroken, and the fact that he wouldn’t add me on any social media platforms suddenly made sense.

A week later, I reached out to his girlfriend via Facebook to inform her of her boyfriend’s actions over the past few weeks with me. I felt that if I were in her situation, I’d want someone to tell me. I didn’t tell her out of spite, or to try to get him all to myself. I’ve always felt that when a man cheats, the women shouldn’t blame one another; they should blame him for his actions and his lies.

She didn’t feel the same way. She responded by calling me a liar and yelling at me for interfering in their relationship. I took that moment to remind her that he pursued me on a dating app, meaning that it was his intention to find someone to cheat with. She continued to defend him, and it became very clear to me that she was so in love with him that she’d never leave him, even for her own good. The way he spoke about her, it was obvious that she had low self-esteem, and I guessed that she assumed she couldn’t get another man as attractive and as seemingly sweet as he was. So I let it go.

A few weeks went by, and a mutual friend told me the guy and and his girlfriend got engaged. This really upset me, because I knew the girlfriend/fiancée deserved better, so I took it upon myself to text him and inform him that I was pregnant. He freaked out and started blaming me for getting pregnant, claiming it wasn’t his child. I convinced him that he was the only person I had been with, and that I’d definitely be having a paternity test, which would include him. I also sent him a picture of a positive pregnancy test. He began to panic, telling me to get rid of the baby, and then verbally attacked me personally, saying this would ruin his life. He asked me how could I be so selfish.

The irony was almost too much to handle.

I then told him that he had two options: he could either tell his fiancée himself, or I would. After several text messages convincing him I was serious, he stopped responding.

After an hour without a response, I got a phone call from him, and through tears he told me that he told his fiancée and she left him. He called me names and said I ruined his life. After I let him get it all out of his system, I calmly reminded him that he had no one to blame but himself, because he went on a dating app to find someone to cheat on his girlfriend with, and then broke not only my heart, but his fiancée’s heart, as well. He finally seemed to realize how badly he had screwed up. He asked me how many weeks along I was, because he was wondering if I was still early enough to have an abortion.

I responded by telling him I wasn’t pregnant.

He flipped out so bad. It was one of the funniest moments of my life. I told him that he got exactly what he deserved. I also told him to Google positive pregnancy tests, because he’d find the picture I sent him right at the top. I then hung up the phone and blocked him permanently.

The best part about this story, which happened several years ago, was that recently the ex-fiancée reached out to me to thank me for breaking them up. She told me it was the best thing that could have ever happened to her, and that now she was engaged to another man who treats her well and who she believes is truly her soulmate.

I confessed to her what I did to end her relationship, and she laughed for a good minute before catching her breath enough to call her ex-fiancé several explicit names, saying he got what he deserved. She apologized for all the names she called me, and told me that he constantly made her feel like she wasn’t good enough, so she didn’t believe she was, and let him walk all over her. If she hadn’t believed he had gotten another woman pregnant, she never would have been able to leave him. She and I are now quite good friends, and she even invited me to her wedding.

He, on the other hand, lost all his hair by the age of 30, has a beer belly, is still single, and had to move back in with his mom after the breakup, where he’s lived ever since.

I always felt a little petty for breaking them up, but I’m so glad it ended up working out for the best.

The Gift That Never Starts Giving

, , , , , | Romantic | July 11, 2018

My ex-boyfriend had a habit of not buying me birthday gifts. Usually his excuse was something like, “I couldn’t figure out anything,” or, “I’ll get you something later.” The latter also ended up with, “Sorry, couldn’t figure out anything for you.” I didn’t mind too much, because I didn’t want to be materialistic, and I had some self-esteem issues, too, at the time, which made me think I didn’t even deserve any gifts.

One year, my birthday was approaching and my ex-boyfriend’s mother asked me what her son had given me as birthday gifts in the previous years. When I told her, “Nothing,” she was quite astounded, but I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it.

However, my ex actually got me something that year: a pretty piece of jewelry. I was very happy that he had made some effort and got me something; he had thought of me. I figured that his mother had had a talk with him about the matter.

A couple of months later, I was cleaning our apartment and I found the receipt of my birthday gift. I was about to throw it away, when all of a sudden I realized something. I remembered the date on the receipt. We were at our friends’ place out of town the whole day. There was no way he was in jewelry store at the time.”

Then it hit me. I went to my ex-boyfriend and asked, “Did… Did your mother buy this gift?”

“Haha, yeah!”

It turned out his mother had gone alone to the jewelry store and picked out something for me. My ex hadn’t asked her to, and she hadn’t consulted my ex. Then, she gave the present to my ex and told him to give it to me as a birthday present. She did not ask money for the jewelry, and my ex never paid anything for it. And he had happily accepted. Again, he hadn’t had to expend any effort for my birthday.

Of course my ex’s mother meant well, and I appreciated that. However, my ex’s actions — or non-actions — made me so sad and disappointed. I even started to cry after the revelation, and he couldn’t understand why. “It’s still a gift, right?” To this day, I wonder if I was in the wrong to be disappointed.

An Update On The Ex-Date

, , , | Right | June 10, 2018

Me: “Hi, have you shopped at [Store] before?”

Customer: “Yes, I have.”

Me: “Fantastic, what’s your last name and zip code?”

(The customer provides info, which I enter, and I find a single customer entry for this info.)

Me: *wanting to confirm I have the right customer* “What’s your first name, please?”

Customer: “[Customer].”

Me: *a little curious, since that isn’t the name I have in my database* “Hm, can you please confirm your address?”

Customer: *address that matches the info on file*

Me: “Yes, that’s what I’ve got. It must have been entered by another woman in your household; I have [Other Name] on record.”

(All this time, the customer has been friendly and pleasant. However, at the mention of [Other Name], she turns cold in an instant — calm, but furious.)

Customer: *enunciating forcefully and glaring daggers at me* “That’s. The Ex. WIFE!”

Me: *frozen in place, not sure what to say*

Customer: “She’s been The Ex-Wife for ten years; how is she still on this account and I’m not?! I’ve been shopping here forever!”

Me: *recovering from my shock* “Well then, it seems we are well overdue to update your info. Let’s just take care of this, shall we?”

Definitely Has The Balls To Do It

, , , , , , , , | Romantic | March 21, 2018

I work at a fast-food place with my friend. It’s mid-summer and my friend has just had a messy breakup with his girlfriend of three years, after he caught her having sex with another friend. Four days post-breakup, we are working the grill area when in walks his ex and the guy she cheated with, clearly showing him off as her new boyfriend.

She makes eyes with my friend and then orders her food. It’s all grill items, and my friend knows it’s her order because she ordered the same unusual alterations to her food when they were together.

It becomes apparent very quickly that both she and the guy intend to humiliate my friend by making him make them their food. He looks around and notes several things.

1) It’s the middle of summer and it’s over 35 degrees Celsius [95 degrees Fahrenheit] in the kitchen.

2) His crotch and rear have been within three feet of a 180+ degrees Celsius [356+ degrees Fahrenheit] grill for several hours.

3) The managers on duty are all either doing office work or customer facing, and can’t see him.

4) His ex can only see him from the neck up, due to how the kitchen is built.

My friend then decides that his ex’s order needs some extra sauce. He proceeds to work his hands down his pants and, after a bit of wiggling, brings from the depths of his crotch enough sweat to drip it onto first the ex’s and then the new boyfriend’s burgers before sending them and wandering off to wash his hands. Throughout all of this, I have neither intervened (because she did kind of deserve it) or assisted (because I didn’t want “sweat sandwich” as my dismissal reason), but I have kept a straight face and so has he. His ex doesn’t realise something is up, and once she gets her food, she looks at him again and smirks before wandering off to sit down.

At this point, I fulfil my obligations as a normal human and tell him he’s a maniac, he laughs it off, and we carry on about our business, stopping briefly to watch his ex and her new boyfriend leave the store.

Other mutual friends and coworkers of ours inform me that this event repeated on no less than five other occasions over the next four weeks, so the two of them got quite the dosage over time.

So far as I know, she never discovered that she ate a diet very high in ball sweat for several weeks, but it’s remained an amusing story within our friend group for the better part of a decade now.

The lesson to be drawn from this is: don’t go rubbing things in the face of someone who’s making your food. Who knows what “extra ingredients” you might end up with?

The guy is a prison warden now; God help the inmates.

Lost The Key To Their Marriage Too It Seems

, , , | Right | March 12, 2018

Me: “Ma’am, do you have the keys for the vehicle?”

Customer: “Well, my ex threw them in the ocean. So, no, I don’t have the keys.”

Me: “Oh, dear.”

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