Suddenly, It Clicked

, , , , | Romantic | January 27, 2020

(I’m staying at my ex-partner’s house for the weekend early in the new year. Despite the breakup earlier this year, we’re still friends, and I enjoy spending time with them, their family, and especially their dogs: two miniature dachshunds, Rosie — aged two and a half years — and Henry — aged 13 months. One evening, as most are winding down for bed, I find a random plastic toy on the sofa’s armrest next to me. I tend to fidget with random objects, keeping my hands occupied while I watch stuff online. So, naturally, I start clicking the button on the random plastic toy. A few minutes later, my ex-partner comes down and grabs my attention.)

Ex-Partner: “Are you playing with the clicker?”

Me: “The what now?”

Ex-Partner: “The plastic clicker. It’s used to train the dogs.”

Me: “You can hear that?!”

Ex-Partner: “A: yes. B: it’s driving Rosie mad. She doesn’t know what she did wrong!”

(I quickly apologized, though my partner wasn’t angry with me, since I had no way of knowing what the random toy was. We’re still close friends, and I personally found the whole incident funny. I could practically hear the “womp-womp” music in the back of my head!)

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Sounds Like Evidence In A Future Legal Case, But Okay…

, , , , , | Right | November 30, 2019

(I see this unfold while helping at the donation door of my thrift store. A woman is donating what looks like a full camping set for one person: a tent, a sleeping bag, various camping accessories, etc.)

Customer: “I went camping with my boyfriend and came back single.”

Me: “Um…”

(After the customer leaves…)

Coworker: “Yeah, that doesn’t sound suspicious at all!

(A day later…)

Coworker: “Remember the lady who ‘came back single’?”

Me: “Yes?”

Coworker: “She says she accidentally donated a shovel and pickaxe…. and wants them back.”

Me: *pause* “We’re going to be talking to a police officer who has many, many questions, aren’t we?”

(My coworker did return the shovel and pickaxe to her, after taking care to be the only one to handle them. I’m not even sure whether the lady just phrased it wrong, or whether there’s a shallow grave somewhere nearby. It’s been a few weeks, and no one has come up missing in the local news yet, so I’m hoping it was just bad phrasing.)

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Putting Out The Fires Of Bigotry

, , , , , , | Related | July 29, 2019

My ex-husband is anti-trans. Apart from generally being a nasty person, his intolerance of anyone “other” is one of the reasons we are no longer together.

We don’t speak much, but we do have a little boy together.

Whilst our child is very active and likes toys that people generally associate with boys, he has a love of all things My Little Pony. He also does ballet, gymnastics, and karate. This is all by his choice. 

My ex isn’t really involved in any of the after-school clubs, though he does like to rant and rave about our son doing “girly” activities. I ignore him. It makes our child happy, so I don’t care.

One day, our child has a ballet recital after school, outside of his normal timetable and on one of my ex’s visit days. I ask my ex to take our son and he agrees very begrudgingly.

The next day, my ex drops off our child and hands me a Barbie in a firefighter outfit. He says nothing, and just walks away.

I ask our child what happened and why we now have a firefighter Barbie. My child explains that his father took him to the toy shop after the recital. My ex proceeded to offer him Legos, cars, and a vast array of toys that he deemed acceptable. My son wanted a firefighter to go with his fire engine, as he had lost the figure that came included.

The only firefighter doll in the shop was a Barbie.

My ex apparently went nuts, ranting and raving about our son becoming one of “those.” My son wasn’t scared, just confused. I asked if that was why Daddy was in a bad mood when he came to the door.

My son replied, “No, Mummy, it’s because the nice lady at the shop called daddy a bigot.”

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Another Form Of Excommunication

, , , | Right | May 16, 2019

(A coworker is just leaving work.)

Coworker: “Finally. I’m done. Now I’m going to call my ex-girlfriend.”

Me: “Why would you want to call her?”

Coworker: “Because I’m stupid.”

Me: “I’m not going there.”

(A customer has overheard our conversation.)

Customer: “What did she say?”

Me: “Who?”

(The customer points to my coworker.)

Me: “She said she was going to give her ex-girlfriend a call.”

Customer: “If I ever gave my ex a call, it’d be to wish her a happy cremation.”

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If This Is The Worst Part Of Your Divorce…

, , , , , | Romantic | April 20, 2019

(My live-in boyfriend of two years is currently married to another woman, and has been so for seven years. She knows about me and vice versa, as we are all polyamorous. After a peaceful but distant period of time, they have decided to divorce, as they no longer have a romantic interest in each other. He tells me about this, obviously feeling down but resigned about the decision, and I offer as much emotional comfort as I’m able to, after which I make a somewhat callous comment.)

Boyfriend: “Now I’m just happy to be back home, so I can just sit on the couch and watch Last Week Tonight.”

(It’s a favourite of his. This is where I suddenly realise something important)

Me: “Oh, no… “

Boyfriend: “What’s wrong?”

Me: *full-on nervous giggling* “You’re either going to laugh or get mad at me.”

Boyfriend: *getting worried* “Okay, what is it?”

Me: “Can we still use your wife’s HBO account?”

(Luckily, he found it hilarious, and at least my total lack of tact led to a full-on belly laugh on an otherwise gloomy day!)

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