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Bullet (And Litigation) Dodged

, , , , , , | Legal Romantic | July 7, 2022

One of my friends had a girlfriend who was, to put it lightly, difficult to handle. To put it less lightly, she was vain, controlling, belittling, and the kind of narcissist who honestly believed that the world would simply change because she wanted it to.

My friend finally decided that he was going to break up with her. I saw him the day after and asked him how it went.

Friend: “Well, about as well as I could expect.”

Me: “That bad?”

Friend: “She said she’s going to sue me for abusing her by making decisions like this without her consent.”

Because of course, she was the kind of girl who’d expect you to get her permission before you could break up with her.

However, the best part was when my friend got a letter in the mail a couple of weeks later. The return address had the name “US Court System” but actually had his ex’s address below that, and inside was a plain printed letter that said, in short, that “court proceeds” were started against him, but they could be halted if he reversed his “ellipsis of judgment,” among several other completely wrong word choices.

He considered writing back with something like “Nice try,” but ultimately, he just shredded the letter and moved on. It has been three months now, and he hasn’t heard anything else about any “court proceeds.”

No Need To Ex-Plain

, , , , , , | Right Romantic | June 13, 2022

A customer comes to my station.

Customer #1: “Can you check a couple of balances for me? My phone won’t connect to the online banking app for some reason.”

Me: “Of course, sir. Can I see your ID and the account numbers?”

He hands me his ID and a slip of paper with a checking and savings account number. I pull the accounts and verify he is a co-owner on both. I also see a second savings account that he did not include in his list.

Me: “Okay, so the checking account has [amount less than $5], and the savings account listed has [amount greater than $1,000].”

The customer exhales.

Customer #1: “Wow. Okay. That’s why my debit card didn’t work. At least the savings is correct. Thank goodness she didn’t touch that.”

Me: “Do you want the balance of the second savings?”

Customer #1: “No, that’s not mine.”

He explains to me that he is getting divorced, and he is concerned that his ex will clean out all the accounts. The second savings is hers, so he’s not interested in that. But he wants to protect the money left in his account, since she’s cleaned out the checking.

Me: “I can open a new savings with just your name, transfer the funds out of the old account, and then close it. Would that work?”

Customer #1: “Definitely. Thank you! So, this old savings number won’t work?”

Me: “Correct. Do you want a separate checking, as well?”

Customer #1: “Yes, but not today. Can I come back for it?”

Me: “Of course, sir. Let’s get your savings taken care of.”

I open a new savings, transfer his money over, close the old one, and send him on his way. He is insistent that we not touch the old checking or the second savings. A couple of days later, he returns.

Me: “Oh, hi, [Customer #1]. How are you?”

Customer #1: “Good, thanks! Can I still open that checking account in just my name?”

Me: “Yes! Come on over and I’ll get you set.”

He takes a step toward my station, but a woman steps in front of him.

Customer #2: “I was here first. You serve me first.”

Me: “Ma’am, you just cut in front of another customer. Now, please go to the back of the line.”

Customer #1: “It’s okay. I’m in no hurry.”

[Customer #1] has a smirk on his face. [Customer #2] whirls around, stares at him, and then turns back around with a red face. The coworker next to me messages me that she is available to open an account, so I send [Customer #1] to her so that he does not have to wait. Elapsed time: about sixty seconds. [Customer #2] rolls her eyes.

Customer #2: “Are you ready to do your job now?”

I bite back a snide remark.

Me: “What can I help you with?”

Customer #2: “I need all the money in this savings transferred into my checking account.”

She hands me her ID and a savings account number that looks familiar. I pull it up and realize it is the savings account that [Customer #1] closed two days ago. The ID matches the second name on the account. If you guessed it, congratulations… [Customer #2] is his ex.

Me: “Ma’am, that savings has a zero balance and is closed.”

Customer #2: “Excuse me? I did not authorize that!”

I am restricted from disclosing who closed it. I can, however, drop a hint…

Me: “This account had two people on it, correct? So, in that case, only one of the account owners is required to be present to close it. I’d check with that second person.”

[Customer #1] turns, grins at her, and waves. She lets out an annoyed yell.

Customer #2: “Useless! Fine. Is the other savings account still there?”

Me: “It is.”

Customer #2: “I want a new savings in just my name, and I want the remaining money from the other savings and the checking transferred into it. Can you handle that?”

Me: “I can.”

I take care of this for her. When it’s complete, she grabs her paperwork and stomps out. My coworker and I just stare at each other.

Customer #1: “And now you both see why she’s my ex.”

He thanked us profusely, calmly collected his paperwork, and exited.

Congratulations On Dropping That Baggage!

, , , , | Romantic | January 1, 2022

I just got out of a horrible nine-year relationship. I had to flee, actually. In hindsight, the entire relationship was nothing but gaslighting, but I managed to reconnect with myself and got out moderately safe.

My ex has been on the verge of stalking since I left. I was still somewhat under his influence, I guess, right a few days after I ran away, so I agreed to have “just one last talk” with him two times. I had agreed on five minutes by the front door, but of course, it turned into more than two hours inside his house where I got extremely uncomfortable and very, very tired. It was nothing but telling me how much I hurt him and what a complete b**** he thought I was and always had been.

After I blocked his phone number and social media accounts, he started hanging around my workplace. I ignored him, got friends and colleagues to walk me home, and told him I would get the police involved if he didn’t stop. I made it very, very clear that I never wanted to see him again.

It’s blissfully quiet for a few months until he sends me a text from his work phone. Shoot, forgot he had that!

Ex-Boyfriend: “There’s still mail coming in for you.”

Me: “Leave it by your door when you’re at work so I can pick it up.”

Ex-Boyfriend: “It’ll get stolen. Come get it.”

Me: “Fine. I’ll come by and pick it up, but only that. You hand me my mail and I will leave right away.”

He agrees. I ring the doorbell on date we agreed on.

Ex-Boyfriend: “Just come in for five minutes.”

Me: “Okay, bye!”

I start walking.

Ex-Boyfriend: “Wait! This is really important mail! There are some other things you left behind, too.”

Me: “So give them to me.”

Ex-Boyfriend: “I just don’t understand why you have to be so hostile when I’ve been nothing but nice over this whole ordeal. Won’t you give me just five minutes?”

Me: “No. This is not what we agreed on. Bye.”

I walk away and he actually comes running after me.

Ex-Boyfriend: “Stop! I really want to give you your stuff back!”

Me: “Last chance, then. If I follow you to that door, you hand over my things and that is it.”

Ex-Boyfriend: “Don’t scream at me. I still have to live on this street.”

Me: “Bye.”

I walk away.

Ex-Boyfriend: “No, wait. I’m sorry! I’ll get your things.”

He gets two little boxes but doesn’t hand them over. He’s suddenly shaking with anger and speaking really aggressively.


I smile calmly, turn around, and start walking, calling the friend I’ll be spending the night with.

Me: *On the phone* “Hi!” *Pauses* “No, I didn’t get my things back.” *Pauses* “It’s okay, I know where we stand. I knew already, of course, but now I’m really sure.” *Pauses* “Yeah, it was…”

My ex comes running after me. I turn around.

Me: *To my ex* “NO.” *To my phone* “Could you stay on the line, please?” *To my ex* “You stop right there. You have absolutely no rights with me whatsoever. You never speak to me again. You stay away from me. As for my stuff, burn it for all I care. I haven’t missed it; it can’t be that important. Go away right now!

I turned around and kept talking to my friend. My ex actually continued to follow me to the end of the street, but I completely ignored him and he left. I blocked his work number, too. I haven’t seen him since.

Her Coping Mechanisms Rock

, , , , , | Friendly | November 12, 2021

My friend and I are travelling together and we pass by a New Age-type shop. Despite not being a New Age type at all herself, my friend is a sucker for these places because they usually sell the kind of jewellery she likes, so we go in. 

My friend is trying on rings with the help of the clerk, who’s making suggestions. All is going well, until…

Clerk: “Oh, I think this one would be absolutely beautiful for you. It matches your eyes and it’s got a wonderful energy.”

She points out a ring with a sort of blue-grey-green stone. My friend pulls away like she’s been offered a snake.

Friend: “Absolutely not.”

The clerk looks surprised.

Friend: “I, uh, I never wear labradorite. It, um… It’s brought me bad luck and I… don’t like its aura. It’s very pretty, but no.”

After we leave:

Me: “Since when do you believe rocks have an ‘aura’?”

Friend: “My ex once bought me a necklace with a labradorite pendant and lost his mind if I didn’t wear it every time I saw him. Since then, I can’t wear the stuff even though I do like the colour. But I’m not about to explain all that to a total stranger.”

Me: “What happened to the necklace?”

Friend: “I pawned it and gave the money to a homeless person. I figured it might as well do some good in the world.”

When You Are Your Own Worst Enemy

, , , , | Right | October 29, 2021

My spouse and I are renting out our condo and are looking for prospective tenants. We have an application form, and on it, we ask basic questions, such as monthly income, references, etc.

One lady came in for a viewing and had a rather entitled attitude from the start. She told us that she and her partner were going through a messy split and that she was looking at some places to live — the situation was made more complicated because she apparently part-owned a house with her ex. However, under the references part of our application… she literally put herself!

Her logic was that she didn’t have any since she owned a home, but I’m sure there would have been something else she could have put! We decided to not go with her.