Woman: “I want a dress in your pastel pink collection.”

Me: Of course. Have you picked out a style?

Woman: “Well, I was wondering if you could drape it like a giant vagina.”

Me: “Umm…”

Woman: “Don’t worry, I’m not insane. But I am asking you to make me a vagina dress.”

Me: “And what is this for exactly?”

Woman: “My ex-husband’s wedding. Lord knows why he invited me. But I’m going to have as much fun with that cheating being-of-s*** as I can!”

(We did attempt the dress, but she wasn’t happy with how the period blood looked and decided to look elsewhere.)

(I’m on a Skype phone call on my laptop with my ex-boyfriend. He just got done helping me finish a character for a Dungeons and Dragons game I’m trying to make. I start to talk about something when the Skype call drops and a second later my phone rings.)

Me: “Hello?”

Ex: “So, I am not a smart man.”

Me: “What happened?”

Ex: “Since we were done with your character and your voice was coming through my headphones I shut down my computer, which in turn ended the Skype call.”

Me: *cracking up for the next five minutes*

(It is a few days before I leave my hometown for college. An ex is back in town for a while with his young son. I agree to walk around with him while we we’re both bored one night.)

Ex: “You know what? If we had stayed together, you would have had six kids by now.”

Me: “That is, without a doubt, the worst pick-up line I’ve ever heard.”

(I am hanging out with my ex. I am doing a crossword puzzle. In the across clue, I have ‘_OIL’. In down, I have ‘_ART’.)

Me: “Can you help me with 1 Across? I’m stumped.”

Ex: “FOIL.”

(I fill it in, and realize this makes 1 Down ‘FART’. After I stop laughing and start to breathe again…)

Me: “Never change, sweetie.”

This story is part of our Crossword Puzzles roundup!

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