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Some Things Just Don’t Add Up

, , , , | Learning Right | October 27, 2011

(I work in the testing center for a community college. We administer placement exams and make-up exams, among other things. This particular student is taking his placement exam.)

Me: “Okay, sir, I have you set up on that computer over there.” *points to computer* “Just finish filling in your personal information and the test will begin.”

Student: “Okay, thanks.”

(About forty-five minutes go by as the student goes through the exam. I then see him raise his hand, so I stand up and walk over to his computer.)

Me: “Is there something wrong?”

Student: “Yeah, it’s telling me that I’m about to start the arithmetic test.”

Me: “Yes, that is part of the placement exam.”

Student: “But I’m supposed to be taking a math test, not an arithmetic test!”

Finals At Hogwarts

, , | Learning | October 18, 2010

(One of my students was absent the day of a test and she has had just handed it in.)

Me: “Okay, class. Now that [Student] has done the test, I can give you them back.”

(I hand out the test papers.)

Student: “Where’s mine?”

Me: “You just did yours today. I’ll have it back to you tomorrow.”

Student: “But you just said!”

Me: “How was I supposed to mark it in five minutes?”

Student: *completely serious* “Doesn’t it just automatically mark itself?”

A Small Fish In An Even Smaller Pond

, , , , | Right | October 20, 2009

(At the pool where I work, we usually give swim tests to young children who want to go swimming in the deep section without a parent.)

Mother: “Can my son take the swim test?”

Me: “Sure, how old is he?”

Mother: “He’s three, but he’s a very good swimmer! He doesn’t even use water-wings in our pool!”

Me: “All right, let’s see you jump in! Swim to the other side and come back.”

(The boy jumps in and starts swimming, badly.)

Mother: “You’re doing great, sweetie!”

(The boy, still struggling, turns around, swims back to the ladder, and climbs up.)

Mother: “So, he passed, right?!”

Me: “No.”

Mother: “What?! Why? I can’t believe you won’t let my son swim out there!”

Me: “Well, your son clearly is not a strong swimmer and I feel it’s not safe to let him go.”

Mother: “No, my son is a great swimmer! He spends every summer swimming!”

Me: “What kind of pool do you guys have?”

Mother: “A kiddie pool.”

Masticating Morons

, , , , | Right | May 27, 2009

(A customer walks up to the retail counter with about 70 packs of gum in a canvas shopping bag.)

Me: “Hello, will this be everything for you today?”

Customer: *panicked* “Do you think it will be enough?!”

Me: “Er… enough for what?”

Customer: “For the exam!” *leans forward* “I plan to write my essay one letter at a time on each piece of gum. As I’m taking the exam, I’ll stick them on the desk in front of me, in order. It’s genius!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but that will fail on so many different levels.”

Bonus Points If He Manages To Tie His Shoes

, , , , | Right | October 22, 2008

Caller: “Yeah, I wanna come take the test to get into [trade college]. How I get there?”

Me: “Well, sir, where are you coming from?”

Caller: “Huh?”

Me: “Where are you located?”

Caller: “What?”

Me: “You are going to be coming here FROM somewhere. Where will you be coming FROM?”

Caller: “Oh. Um, [town west of Chicago].”

Me: “Okay, that’s very easy. We are right off the expressway.”

Caller: “Huh?”

Me: “We are right off the expressway. You take [expressway] west…”

Caller: “Huh? Suspretsway?”

Me: “EXPRESSWAY. You drive your car on it to get places. So you take the expressway west and get off the Wisconsin freeway junction…”

Caller: “Huh? Junction?”

Me: “Yes, the EXPRESSWAY meets up with another EXPRESSWAY at a JUNCTION and then you get on the Wisconsin….”

Caller: “Huh? West Carl Street?”

Me: “WISCONSIN. Like the state that is directly north of us.”

Caller: “…”

Me: “Sir?”

Caller: “Huh?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, you are too dumb to take the test.” *click*