No Point Crying Over It

, , , , , , , | Related | January 8, 2018

(I’m watching a children’s animated film with my mum. There is a bit where our heroes are trying to get back to their kingdom and the boy resorts to pretend-crying at the wizard so he will help them.)

Boy Character: *unintelligible crying*

Mum: “What did he say?”

Me: “‘Wahwuhsob.'”

Mum: “Ah, I thought so.”

Sibling Rivalry Never Dies

, , , , , | Related | January 7, 2018

My aunt has six children, two of which were twins. Sadly, one of the twins died as a baby due to cot death. This year is the remaining twin’s 30th birthday. She planned a big party for herself and invited her mum — my aunt — along.

Her mum told her she couldn’t make it because she was throwing a party for [Dead Twin]’s birthday.

Sadly, this isn’t the first time something like this has happened. I understand that you want to remember the child that you lost, but at the cost of ignoring the twin that lived?

I Don’t Work Here: The Schooling Edition

, , , , , , , , , | Friendly | January 4, 2018

(I’m 17 and I’ve just moved in with my grandparents so I can attend the college of my choice with a lot shorter commute than if I stayed living in London, where I was born. It’s 7:15 am, and I’m in the local supermarket to buy lunch for the day. I’m wearing black jeans and a purple polo neck shirt with my college name and course embroidered on it. I’m also wearing a black hoodie decorated with the logo of a Morris group I side with, I have a bright yellow cartoon bag on my shoulder, and I’m using my phone as I walk along the aisle. The shop employees wear smart trousers, and a blue shirt in a different material and style. I also grew up in South London, so I learned pretty quickly as a kid that I needed to be verbally aggressive to make up for my small size of 5’2″.)

Random Lady: *taps me on the shoulder* “Excuse me! Excuse me, boy!”

Me: “Hey, what are you doing? Get off me!”

Random Lady: “Don’t be so rude! Get off your phone and help me find the fresh vegetables.”

Me: “They’re right at the front of the shop; you had to walk past them to come here and attack me. Now, p*** off.”

Random Lady: “EXCUSE ME?! Where’s your manager? You’re so rude! How dare you be so rude?!”

Me: *turning properly so she can see my shirt* “What colour is my shirt?”

Random Lady: *stutters and blinks* “Uh, purple. Why? What’s that got to do with anything?”

Me: “Can you read, or are you illiterate as well as rude? What does my shirt say?”

Random Lady: “I— What? It says [College, Course].”

Me: “I don’t know what the f*** you think you’re doing, but I clearly don’t work here. I’ve been up all night working on coursework so I’ve had three hours sleep. I recently moved house, I’m trying to make new friends as all mine live two hours away, and it’s seven fifteen in the f****** morning. Don’t touch me again, and don’t ever treat an actual employee as rudely as you just treated me. Got it?”

Random Lady: *stares at me with her mouth open, looking like an oversized salmon, then nods*

Me: “Good. Now, f*** off.” *I go and pay for my food and massive energy drink*

(After paying, I headed to the bus station to wait for my bus, and as I got on, who should I see walking past but our dear [Random Lady]? She caught sight of me as I was standing in the door paying for my ticket, then scurried away, avoiding looking in my direction.)

A Stamp Of Disapproval

, , , , , | Right | January 4, 2018

Me: “Hi, how can I help?”

Customer: “Do you sell stamps?”

Me: “Yes, we do; a book of six first-class or a book of twelve second-class?”

Customer: “Can I have two first-class, please?”

Me: “Two books?”

Customer: “No, just two stamps.”

Me: “We only sell them in books of six.”

Customer: “You’re kidding me?!”

Me: “No, sorry.”

Customer: “You’re having me on!”

Me: “No, sorry.”

Customer: “But I don’t want six!”

Me: “Sorry.”

Customer: “Huh!”

(He left, still muttering “Six! What am supposed to do with six?!”)

A Van With A Plan

, , , , , | Working | January 4, 2018

Many years ago, shortly after finishing university I worked for a local factory as a van driver and cleaner, a stop-gap until I found a job in my line of graduation. The pay was dreadful and the company was very much behind the times.

I was driving back to the factory after doing a delivery and en-route noticed one of my house-share friends walking home along the road. I stopped to give him a lift since it was on the way.

Two minutes later, I looked in the rearview mirror and recognised the expensive 4×4 behind me as belonging to one of our senior managers. Now, the van I was driving had the company logo all over it. I was also aware that I shouldn’t be carrying any non-company employees and could lose my job.

I took the next turn onto a different road, hoping he wasn’t going to follow, but he did. We were now heading in a different direction to the factory, so I probably started to look a little suspicious. I devised a little plan in my head and shared it with my housemate: knowing a road coming up was a long road with a bend in the middle, I slowed right down and took the turn, then I sped up very quickly to get round the bend and slammed the brakes on, telling my housemate to jump out as fast as he can. He jumped out and I dashed off again just as the senior manager came driving round the bend.

I then headed up to a local garage the company had an account with for fuel and turned in, making it look like this was where I’d been heading all along. Thankfully the senior manager carried on driving past whilst taking a close look at me.

I was very glad he drove past as I couldn’t have filled the van up; I’d done that only ten minutes before picking my housemate up in the first place, and the van was already full of fuel!

That was the last time I “taxied” on company time! My housemate ended up having to walk for an extra half-hour because of my detour, although we had a good laugh about it afterwards and the manager never mentioned it.

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