Customer: “Hi, I need to buy Monopoly.”

Me: “I’m sorry. We don’t actually sell board games.”

Customer: “Oh? Why not?”

Me: “Well, this is a bookshop. We pretty much only sell books.”

Customer: “Can I get the book of Monopoly?”

Me: “I’m not sure we have any books about Monopoly the game, but I can have a look on our system.” *I check the system* “Yes, I’m sorry. The only books we have are about monopolies in finance.”

Customer: “Maybe that will do? Does it come with the hat and everything?”

Me: “It’s a book, not a board game, so there aren’t any player pieces or anything, and we don’t actually have any books about the board game monopoly either. I think if you’re interested in Monopoly the game, you should go to [Store] across the street.”

Customer: “Okay, maybe I’ll try that. While I’m here though, do you have that one with the candlestick and the library?”

Me: “Cluedo?” (Called ‘Clue’ in the USA.) “Again, I’m afraid it’s a board game so [Store] across the street is your best bet.”

Customer: “How do you expect kids to like reading when you don’t sell anything they’d want to read?!”

(A customer wants a specific electric fireplace that is discontinued, so we can’t order it. One of my colleagues says that they will go to a nearby store after their shift and get one. The customer comes in the next day to collect it.)

Me: “Okay, because this is discontinued and we don’t stock it here, you won’t be able to return it unless it’s faulty.”

Customer: “Why would I want to return it? I’m not a moron like you are!”

(He storms out but comes back in the next day.)

Customer: “This fireplace won’t work! You put me through all this trouble and you gave me a faulty product! I will report you to your manager for all the stress this has caused!”

Me: “Sir, the box is still sealed. You haven’t even opened it yet.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, my wife didn’t like it. Can I return it?”

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Customer: “Hello, could you help me find a TV I was looking at yesterday?”

Me: “Yes, of course.”

(I show them the wall with TVs mounted on. There are around forty different models.)

Me: “Which TV were you looking at?”

Customer: “I’m not sure. It’s digical.”

Me: “These are all digital TVs. Can you remember the brand?”

Customer: “No. It’s one of the digical ones.”

Me: “Okay. Do you know what size or color it was?”

Customer: *pauses* “It’s digical.”

Me: “Okay, I’m not sure what you mean. I’ll go find one of the sales staff and see if they can help you.”

Customer: *as I leave* “Tell them it’s digical!”

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(A six-or-seven-year-old boy comes into the children’s bookstore, his mother trailing behind him.)

Mother: “Go on, then! Ask! She won’t know what you’re talking about and then you can stop wasting my time!”

Boy: “Hello!”

Me: “Hello.”

Boy: “I want a book.”

Me: “Well, you’re in the right place.”

Boy: “It’s about a boy. Who lives with a caveman. He’s got a funny name beginning with ‘S’.”

Mother: “There. Now you know there’s no such book.”

Me: “That wouldn’t be ‘Stig of the Dump,’ would it?”

Boy: *jumping up and down* “Yes, yes, yes! I told you, Mummy!”

Mother: “Don’t contradict me in front of my son!” *starts walking her son out of the shop and still talking to me* “You read too many books!”

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Customer: “Wow, this wheel spins around and I think you put a ball in it.”

Me: “Yes, madam, it’s a roulette wheel.”

Customer: “And what’s the point? Do you have to guess the numbers?”

Me: “Some people actually bet on the outcome as well.”

Customer: “That’s an awesome idea. They should have those in casinos!”