(I’m supposed to be doing interviews for a new babysitter within the hour. I quickly run out to the local supermarket to pick up a few supplies, such as biscuits and coffee for the interviewees. There is a very long line. It’s my turn to be rung up, when another customer approaches me.)

Other Customer: “Hi, sorry, but can I just skip the queue in front of you? I’ve got a very important meeting soon.”

Me: “Sorry, but I’m in a bit of a rush myself you see, I—”

Other Customer: “Now you listen here you ungrateful b****! You are not in as much of a rush as me! I have a very important meeting soon! Do you know what that means? It means I have the opportunity to get a job, unlike you, you lazy b****! You probably just live off of benefits; wasting tax-payer’s money, buying s*** that you don’t even deserve! I have a job opportunity that you will never have!”

Employee: “Excuse me, miss; I’m going to have to ask you to leave right now!”

Other Customer: “I will not leave! Kick her out; she’s the one wasting our taxes!”

(Security escorts her out.)

Me: “Thank you! What a b****!”

Employee: “Tell me about it! Are you okay?”

Me: “Yes, I’m fine thanks!”

(I return home half an hour later, just 10 minutes before my first interviewee is due. Lo and behold, it turns out to be the rude customer from the shop. It turns out that the important meeting she had was with me. Not surprisingly, she didn’t get the job.)

(I work in a call center for travel insurance. Once a medical condition is declared, we go through a series of questions about that condition.)

Me: “As a result of your diabetes, have you suffered any retinal damage?”

Customer: “That’s a bit personal, don’t you think?”

Me: “Not really, it’s one of the standard questions for your condition.”

Customer: “Well, I’m not sure I’m comfortable discussing something so personal with you, especially with you being a woman.”

Me: “Um… I wouldn’t say it was too personal.”

Customer: “Can you repeat the question?”

Me: “As a result of your diabetes, have you suffered any retinal damage?”

Customer: “Oh, retinal! I thought you said rectal!”

(I overhear an employee and an older customer, who is accompanied by her grandson. She is trying to return an expensive toy.)

Employee: “I can offer you a replacement or gift voucher, but without the receipt I can’t give you a cash refund.”

Customer: “No, you’ll give me a refund in cash.”

Employee: “I can’t do that without the receipt. If the toy is faulty I can replace it for you, or you can choose something else.”

Customer: “No, you’ll give me £120 in cash, out of the till. End of.”

Grandson: “Nana, you’re not allowed to say ‘end of’ to people.”

Customer: “Shush, I’ll say what I like. I’m allowed to say what I like. They just don’t want to give me £120 out of the f****** till.”

Grandson: “You’re not allowed to say the f-word, Nana!”

Customer: “Shut up.”

Employee: “I’m really sorry, but without your receipt, I can’t do a cash refund. If you come back with your receipt we’ll be able to give you a refund.”

Customer: “F*** off!”

Grandson: *to employee* “I’m sorry my nana said that. She doesn’t know you’re not allowed to say the f-word.”

Sales Rep: “Hi. I was just wondering why my expenses haven’t been paid in to my bank account today?”

Me: “It will be in tomorrow. Yesterday was a Bank Holiday, so the payments take on extra day to clear.”

Sales Rep: “Why’s that then?”

Me: “Yesterday was a bank holiday.”

Sales Rep: “Yes, I know that.”

Me: “…So, the banks were on holiday. They weren’t working yesterday, so it pushes the whole process back a day.”

Sales Rep: “Really? I didn’t think that would affect it!”

(It is Good Friday. I am with my mum when my grandma comes home with several large, heavy, shopping bags.)

Grandma: “I only went out to get some bread and fish.”

Mum: “Who are you, Jesus?”

(Mum and I both laugh.)

Grandma: “What?”

Mum: “It’s Good Friday. How many are you feeding, 5000?”