(The store I work in is now a very popular coffee brand store. We’ve been open for two weeks. The building was previously a food and dining store, but the building had been empty eight months prior to our store opening.)

Me: “Hello, sir, how are you today?”

Customer: “Well, I’m not very d*** good now!”

Me: “Oh, I’m ever so sorry to hear that! How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I came here for some breakfast, but you’re not [Old Store] any more!”

Me: “Well, we do have breakfast options. We can heat them for yo—”

Customer: “NO GOOD! I WANTED HOT FOOD!”

Me: “We can do you hot food; we offer porridge, and of course our lovely hot dr—”

Customer: “IT’S S***! IT’S GARBAGE, THAT’S WHAT IT IS! I WON’T PUT UP WITH IT!”

(While he’s steadily getting angrier, another customer has entered the store behind him.)

Me: “Um, there’s not really much else I can do I’m afraid, sir. Was there anything I can help you with?”

Customer: “Yes, I’ll have a… NO! I’ll go somewhere else. THIS IS TOTAL S***! What do you have to say for yourself?!”

Me: “Er… I’m sorry but [old store] hasn’t been open on this site for almost a year, so there really is nothing I can do about it. If that is everything, I will just serve the next customer who has been waiting patiently. Thank you, have a good d—”

Customer: “I’M NOT FINISHED WITH YOU! I WA—”

Next Customer: “Well, she’s finished with YOU! You’re obviously bloody stupid; EVERYONE knows that [old store] hasn’t been here for ages! It’s too d*** early for you to be yelling at this poor girl! Now, sod off and let me get my coffee!”

(The first customer all but runs from the store.)

Me: “Wow, thank you for that! I’m so sorry you had to step in though!”

Next Customer: “No worries, my darling! Hey, I recognise you; didn’t you work at [popular fast food store]?”

Me: “Yup! Five years of putting up with customers like that; I think I may have brought them with me!”

Next Customer: “Oh, dear me. Well, this is for you, darling! Keep that smile going!”

(The woman hands me a £5 note, swiftly followed by several more from the other customers in the store, all of whom come over when they hear where I used to work!)

(We sell daily and weekly newspapers. The weekly papers come out on a Thursday. It is a Wednesday morning, and I am putting the daily papers out.)

Customer: “Has tomorrow’s [weekly paper] come in today?”

Me: “Tomorrow’s [weekly paper]?”

Customer: “Yes, I want tomorrow’s [weekly paper]. Have they come in today?”

Me: “No, tomorrow’s [weekly paper] comes in tomorrow.”

Customer: “Are you sure? I was hoping to get tomorrow’s paper today. Do you need to check?”

Me: “Yeah, I’m pretty sure tomorrow’s [weekly paper] comes in tomorrow, seeing as they probably haven’t even started printing them yet.”

Customer: “Well, there’s no need to be like that.”

Me: “May I have a medium-sized mocha with soya milk, no cream, to take away, please? And my name is [My Name].”

Perky Barista: “Of course. What size would— oh. Wh— right, you told me that. Would you like c— oh. And is that to drink h— oh, sorry. I’m on autopilot. Could I have your name fo—”

(He thinks for a moment before continuing.)

Perky Barista: “Okay [name]. That’s one most-coherent-order-ever coming right up!”

(At least he drew a smiley face on my cup and gave me a free biscuit!)

(I am female. After leaving university, I have to cut my dreadlocks out to help me get a job. My hair is very short. My boyfriend and I enter a sandwich shop with our three-month-old son. They sit down while I go up to order, but there’s a bit of a queue. Two girls, also with very short hair, come in looking visibly upset and embarrassed. A few moments later, a group of very over-tanned girls come in, and join the queue. The other two short-haired girls try to avoid eye contact with them. One of the tanned girls approaches me.)

Tanned Girl #1: “Hey you, they fancy you.”

(She gestures over to the short-haired girls.)

Me: “Okay?”

Tanned Girl #2: “Do you fancy them?”

Me: “Well no, I’m straight.”

Tanned Girl #2: “You’re not straight at all!”

Me: “I’m not?”

(I call out to my boyfriend.)

Me: “Hey, when did you become a girl?”

Boyfriend: “What?”

Me: “Well, according to these girls, I’m gay. So you must be a woman, and our son must be an immaculate conception. Either that, or these girls have their heads up their a****.”

(The two shirt-haired girls begin to giggle.)

Tanned Girl #3: “Wait, so you’re straight?”

Me: “What was your first clue?”

Tanned Girl #1: “But you’ve got short hair.”

Me: “Yes I do, which we all know is natural penis repellent.”

(Everyone in the shop is laughing.)

Me: “Now, will you please leave me and these girls alone, and stop being homophobic?”

Tanned Girl #2: “We’re not homophobic!”

Me: “You tried to make fun of me because you thought I was gay. Judging by the looks on their faces when you came in, I’m going to guess you were making fun of these two earlier for the same reason. You tease people because they’re homosexuals, therefore you’re homophobic. Maybe if you pulled your heads out your a**** every once and a while, you could take a look in a dictionary.”

Tanned Girl #2: “Books are for geeks and losers.”

Me: “Wait, so you girls aren’t intellectual readers?”

(Everyone in the shop is now laughing so much, that they’ve stopped serving people in order to calm down. The group of girls run out of the shop with their cheeks the brightest shade of red I have ever seen. The two girls are so happy with what I said to them, that they bought both me and my boyfriend lunch.)

(I am a male part-time cleaner at my local leisure centre. One of my duties is to clean the toilets in reception. It is currently busy in reception, so I ensure that the female toilet is empty before putting up a sign warning customers that cleaning is in progress. As I leave the toilet with my arms full of mops, bleach, disinfectant, etc., a female customer is standing outside the door waiting.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry; I didn’t realise you were waiting.”

Customer: “What were you doing in there?”

(I gesture to my arms that are full of cleaning products.)

Me: “Just cleaning the area for you.”

Customer: “But those are the female toilets!”

Me: “I am aware of that, but it is part of my job to ensure all toilets are clean.”

Customer: “But you aren’t a woman; you shouldn’t be in there!”

Me: “There are no female cleaners on duty. I am the only cleaner here today, and the toilets need to be cleaned.”

Customer: “Well that is unacceptable! Where is your manager? I am making a complaint!”

(My manager is already in the reception area, so makes her way over.)

Manager: “What is the problem?”

Customer: “This man was in the female toilets.”

Manager: “Well, the area does need to be cleaned regularly, and he is our cleaner.”

Customer: “I don’t give a d*** what his job is! He should not be in the women’s toilets.”

Manager: “So, your complaint is that we have a male employee in the women’s toilets?”

Customer: “D*** right it is!”

Manager: “Would you rather the toilets were not cleaned?”

Customer: “No, that would be stupid! Just get a woman cleaner!”

Manager: “Then who would clean the male toilets?”

Customer: “She can! But this pervert should be fired for going into the women’s toilets.”

Manager: “But, wouldn’t that make her just as bad as him?”

Customer: “Oh, you are just being awkward now! P*** off and leave me alone!”