(I work at a call centre doing technical support for a rather popular brand of smartphones.)

Me: “Welcome to [Company]. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hello, I’m unable to make calls with my new phone.”

(As soon as he says this, I start going over things that can go wrong with a new phone to cause this problem, but I still start with basic troubleshooting.)

Me: “Okay, I’m sorry to hear that. Have you checked to see so that the SIM-card is inserted the correct way?”

(This is a problem that is more common than I want to believe)

Customer: “Oh, no, my provider hasn’t sent that out to me yet.”

(I work at a call centre doing technical support for a rather popular brand of smartphones.)

Me: “Welcome to [Company]. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. I can’t add my email account to my phone. I just keep getting error messages that it’s not available.”

Me: “Okay, I’m sure we can do something here. If you can please try to add the account again, just so that I can get the exact error message?”

(The customer does that and gives me a very common error message that can mean just about anything, from the phone being disconnected from the Internet to the email server being down. So, to narrow it down, I start with something that I can actually help with.)

Me: “Do you have an active Internet connection?”

Customer: “No. Why do I need that?”

Me: *long pause* “You need to have an active Internet connection, so that the phone can connect to the email server, so that it can add your account. Just like on your computer, it needs Internet to be able to reach the emails that you have waiting for you.”

Customer: “Really? That’s not how I thought it would work.”

(He then hung up and left me wondering how he thought it would work to access your email without having Internet.)

(My wife and son run an independent pet shop, which also has an online shop. One of the many items for sale is a microchip cat flap, designed to stop cats with unprogrammed chips or no chip from entering a house. They receive an email that reads as follows:)

Customer: “We really like the idea and look of the microchip cat flap; however, our cats have no microchips. Will it still work?”

(Oyster is a smart-card method of payment for public transport in London. You put money on it to pay for your fare, validating it on entry and exit, which deducts the correct fare from your account.)

Me: *sees customer walk up* “Hel—”

Customer: *slams Oyster and £20 on counter* “Top up.” *answers phone*

Me: “How much?”

Customer: *chatting on phone*

Me: *waits ten seconds* “How much would you like?”

Customer: *covers phone speaker* “Hurry up! I’m going to miss my train!” *back on phone*

Me: *puts £20 on Oyster, gives Oyster back*

Customer: *snatches up Oyster* “Where’s my change?”

Me: “There is no change. You gave me £20. I put on £20.”

Customer: “Why did you put it all on? I didn’t tell you to do that. I only wanted £5. Why would I put more than £5? I don’t need more than £5! You need to give me my money back!”

Me: “Okay, give me your Oyster; I’ll adjust it.”

Customer: “No, you just need to give me my money back. I didn’t tell you to put on £20. That’s your problem. You just need to give me my money.”

(I had to get up and walk away from my till.)

(I am working as a customer service person for a London Borough. We have a free bulk refuse pick-up service. One day I am rung up with the following complaint from a person who lives on a council housing estate — a communal block.)

Caller: “You took away my jewellery! How dare you?!”

Me: “We would only take away your jewellery if you asked us to.”

Caller: “I put it out on the landing in a black bag, and now it is gone.”

Me: “You put a bag of jewellery outside your flat on a communal landing?”

Caller: “Yes! Why did you take it away? I want you to pay for it!”

(I talk to my supervisor about it, and he says that another council service cleared rubbish from all public spaces on every council estate.)

Me: “So, you put a black plastic bag full of jewellery on a public landing?”

Caller: “Yes! And I want to be compensated for it!”

(I am wondering how stupid this woman is. If she is telling the truth, why on earth would anyone put their jewellery in a bin bag on a landing? If she is lying, why on earth would she think I’d believe her?)

Me: “I’m sorry, but I need to put you through to our insurance department.”

(So I did. Mind you, that was not the stupidest thing I ever heard working there. One person claimed to have put their oven onto the landing while spring cleaning, as if anyone would move an oven into a public space just to clean behind it, and it was gone by the time she went to bring it back in.)