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To Boldy Go, As You Wish

, , , , , , | Romantic | March 1, 2012

(I am watching TV while my wife reads a magazine.)

Me: “Oh, honey, look—The Princess Bride is on.”

Wife: “What’s that?”

Me: “You’re joking, right?”

Wife: “Is it a cartoon? Sounds like a cartoon.”

Me:The Princess Bride? You’ve honestly never seen The Princess Bride? Who ARE you?”

Wife: “Why are you looking at me like you’re going to divorce me?”

Me: “Not seeing The Princess Bride is like saying you haven’t seen Star Wars.”

Wife: “Ooh! I know that one! That’s the one with the silly man with the pointy ears?”


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More Invasive Than You’d Like

, , , , | Right | February 6, 2012

(I work at an optician’s office. We provide a service for customers who are diabetic where they can have a retinal screening.)

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Patient: *loudly* “I’m here for a diabetic rectal screening!”

(There is an uncomfortable pause while the patient digests what he has just boomed out to the whole shop in a very loud voice.)

Me: “Er…”

Patient: “I think I got that wrong.”

Me: “Slightly, sir.”


This story is part of our Diabetes roundup!

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Running Over Jokes Are Running Dry

, , | Romantic | December 26, 2011

(My Dad is telling me a joke.)

Dad: “Did you hear that a woman gets run over every 15 minutes?”

Me: “Really?”

Dad: “Yeah, she’s starting to get cheesed off.”

(I laugh. My mum enters the room, so my Dad tries his joke on her.)

Dad: “Hey, have you heard that a woman gets run over every 15 minutes?”

Mum: “She should get out of the bleeding road then!”

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Quiet In A Flash

, , , , | Related | December 21, 2011

(I overhear a conversation. A little girl is stomping around, singing and yelling noisily in the changing rooms at a large clothing store.)

Mother: *from inside cubicle* “Shhh, sweetheart, shhh. Be a good girl.”

(The little girl continues stomping around, singing and yelling noisily, completely ignoring her mother.)

Grandmother: *from inside her cubicle* “Don’t talk to her in that stupid way; shout! Make her shut up.”

Mother: “She’s all right; she’s a good girl. Shhh, sweetheart, shush now.”

(The little girl gets noiser.)

Grandmother: “You’re a bit silly sometimes, love. I’ll sort her out. [Little Girl], come here a minute. Come and see Nanny.”

Little Girl: “What, Nanny?”

(The grandmothers cubicle door opens. The little girl screams.)

Little Girl: “Mommy, Nanny flashed me!”

Mother: “Mom! That’s not the way we handle these things!”

Grandmother: “[Little Girl], be quiet or I’ll do it again, all right?”

(The little girl is freaked out and stays silent.)

Grandmother: *villainous laugh*

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A Serious Case Of Insensitivity, Part 2

, , , , , , | Right | August 3, 2011

CONTENT WARNING: Death

(New Year’s Eve is in full swing. Shortly before the midnight countdown, a coworker of mine drops down dead beside me from a brain aneurysm. We went into shock and obviously tried to help her. The customer that she was serving starts complaining about the quality of service.)

Customer: “Leave her; it’s almost midnight! I need my glass of wine to celebrate!”

Me: “Sir, we believe she may be dead. Please have a bit of compassion. The bar will be closing now while we wait for emergency services.”

Customer: “Forget that! We want to celebrate. Get me my drink now and take her body out back or something!”

Me: “Security! Throw this man out and clear the bar.”

Customer: “I will get both her and you fired for this!”

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