As a student, I used to moonlight as a bouncer with my girlfriend and a few other biker students at the university union for rock bands. I’m not that big but have long hair, a beard, and tats. One night, we were all working as usual and had put our leather jackets under the ticket desk as the venue was very hot. The gig was busy and we were occupied all night dealing with the crowd.

Come gig finish, we came out to discover that the steward on the door had been called away and both my leather and my friend’s leather had walked. Seriously annoyed and out of pocket a few hundred pounds, I went to get a drink.

At the bar was a man wearing my friend’s very distinctive brown leather jacket. I approached him and said this, and he apologised profusely and stated he had been sold it by a man in the bar earlier for 50 pounds. He apologised and took it off. Underneath, he was wearing my jacket.

I took his arm and said we were going to security. He took my jacket off and said he had purchased that one, as well, but I still walked him to the security desk.

At the last moment, he wriggled free and bolted across the gravel car park with me in pursuit. Just before I ran out of puff, he slipped and went facedown in the gravel, tearing his face and arms to shreds.

After I took him back and waited for the police, he then informed them that I had assaulted him and pushed him into the gravel.

The cop just listened to my story, twisted his arms behind his back, and cuffed him. Did help he was a police motorcycle cop that I helped out teaching safe biking to teenagers with, I suppose.

(I am ten years old. My mother sent me into the shop to pick up milk. After getting the milk, I notice that only one till is open. The woman in front of me has one yogurt on the conveyor. I put down a divider and my milk. At no point do I touch the SINGLE yogurt that this woman has on the conveyor.)

Woman: “Excuse me, did you just molest my yogurt?”

Me: “Sorry, what?”

Woman: “You moved my yogurt!”

Me: “Okay… Sorry. I didn’t but…”

Woman: “It’s not okay! You molested my yogurt!”

Me: “I didn’t. I just want to buy this milk. My mum’s waiting.”

Woman: “You can’t just do that! You can’t just touch other people’s yogurt!”

(Another cashier opened a till, and thankfully I was able to buy my milk and escape unscathed.)

(I’m the assistant manager of a lawyer’s office, and whilst I get everything done, I’m really laid back and insist on being left alone. When the manager quits, his replacement isn’t fully aware of my way of working.)

Manager: “Where is [My Name]?”

Assistant: “Um, I do believe he’s asleep in his office.”

Manager: “ASLEEP?! HE HAS AN IMPORTANT MEETING WITH [VERY IMPORTANT CLIENT] IN FIFTEEN MINUTES!”

Assistant: “Yes, he knows. Don’t worry; everything will be fine.”

Manager: “FINE?! WE HAVE AN IMPORTANT MEETING AND HE’S ASLEEP!”

(The manager blasts into my office.)

Manager: “[My Name]! WHERE ARE YOU?!”

Me: “Under my desk! Go away!”

Manager: “MY OFFICE! TWO MINUTES!”

(I’m in her office in one minute.)

Manager: “WHY WERE YOU ASLEEP? DON’T YOU KNOW WE HAVE A MEETING IN TEN MINUTES?!”

Me: “Yes. Everything’s under control.”

(She spends the next ten minutes quizzing me on the meeting, which makes us late. Then, because she is so concerned about my being asleep and not prepared, she isn’t prepared herself. After the meeting ends:)

Me: “Next time, just worry about yourself and leave me alone.”

(I’m attending my local parent and baby group when a new mum arrives and sits next to me. We’re making polite conversation.)

New Mum: “Any plans for the rest of the week?”

Me: “Vaccinations are tomorrow, so I don’t think we’ll get much more done after that.”

New Mum: “Oh, I don’t believe in vaccinations.”

Me: *thinking, “Here we go,” and waiting for a lecture* “Oh, right.”

New Mum: “But I don’t think less of anyone who gets them. I even understand why you’d get them. I just don’t want to take any risks with autism. Anyway, your baby is lovely. How old is he?”

Me: *surprised that she’s not insane* “She’s a girl actually and she’s four months old.”

New Mum: “But you’ve dressed her in such boyish clothes.”

Me: “I’d say gender-neutral rather than boyish. It’s only jeans and a jumper, basically the same as I’m wearing.”

New Mum: “You shouldn’t dress her like that. She’s going to grow up confused and won’t know if she’s a boy or a girl. It’s really not fair of you to force your beliefs on her.”

(At this point, I realise she is crazy and a hypocrite, so I politely turn to the woman on my other side and start speaking to her, instead. The New Mum starts speaking to someone else and I mostly tune her out until she says this:)

New Mum: “Oh, I don’t give my son any toys. I don’t want him to become emotionally invested in material items.”

(Yep, definitely crazy.)

(I’m at a milkshake bar with a friend. The server finishes making an order before mine and shouts for it to be collected.)

Server: “A white chocolate and a dark chocolate milkshake!”

(A customer approaches the counter and stares at the two milkshakes, one very white and one very brown.)

Customer: “So, which one is the dark chocolate again?

Server: *stares* “You know what? I don’t remember.” *turns away*