Off-Handed Comment

, , , , | Right | June 11, 2010

Caller: “Hi, I’ve placed an order some weeks back and I’m just chasing up when it might be delivered.”

Me: “Certainly, just bear with me a moment. I’ll just need to track it on the computer.”

(I proceed to log on to the order system, having a bit of difficulty as I’m only able to type with one hand while the other holds the phone.)

Me: “Sorry, bear with me a moment; it’s quite difficult to type with one hand.”

Caller: *in a sincere tone* “Why have you only got one hand?”


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Accountants And Their Blue Tape

, , , , | Right | June 2, 2010

(A client calls us requesting we email him a scan of a document. We promptly send this over to him and he calls back almost immediately.)

Client: “This scan you have sent me only has one page of the document and the rest of it is pornography!”

Me: “I’m sorry? There is certainly no chance that this contains any pornography. It looks perfectly fine from our end.

Client: “But there is. I am looking at it right now!”

Me: “Which button are you clicking?  The one that says ‘Next Page’ or ‘Next Document’?”

Client: “Why does that matter?”

Me: “Well, if you are clicking Next Document, you are currently looking at all of the pornography that you have recently been viewing on your computer.”

Client: “F***!” *hangs up*

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They’ll Never Survive Welsh

, , , , , | Right | May 27, 2010

(A tourist is in line to get a ticket.)

Tourist: “Can I have a ticket to Loogahgbaroogah?”

Me: “Sorry, where?”

Tourist: “Loogahbaroogah.”

Me: Sir, there is no rail station in the UK called Loogahbaroogah.”

Tourist: “But…”

Me: “Did you mean Loughbrough?” (It’s pronounced ‘Luffbruh’)

(The tourist gets his ticket and walks off, followed by the next customer in line.)

Next Customer: “It’s a good job he didn’t want my ticket. Return to Llanelli, please.”


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Totally Flunked That One

, , , , | Right | May 6, 2010

(I am working in a cafe near one of the main halls for university examinations, for which the students have to wear full robes. Every time an exam finishes, the students come out and celebrate with champagne and confetti.)

Tourist: “Excuse me, what time is the next show?”

Me: “I’m sorry? There’s a theatre round the corner from here. They might be able to help you.”

Tourist: “No, the next university show. With the costumes and everything.”

Me: “I’m afraid that’s not a performance. Those are the university’s students, and they’re finishing their exams.”

Tourist: “So, when will the next one finish? I want to bring my wife.”


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Not Just Ol’ Gay Paris Anymore

, , , , , , , , | Right | April 27, 2010

(I am of Chinese descent but I was born and raised in London. I am serving a table of American tourists, headed by a rather boisterous older woman.)

Me: “Welcome to [Restaurant]. What will you be having today?”

Customer: “Oh, my God!”

Me: “Are you okay, ma’am?”

Customer: “What’s wrong with your voice?”

Me: “Nothing, ma’am. I’m perfectly fine.”

Customer: “But you sound English!”

Me: “I am. I was born here.”

Customer: “But that’s impossible!”

Me: “I assure you, ma’am, I was born right here in London. This is my normal accent. So, what can I get you to order?”

Customer: “How old are you?”

Me: “21, ma’am.”

Customer: “Would you like to meet my daughter? She’s thinking of studying here for school.”

Me: “No thanks, ma’am. I’m gay and have a boyfriend so I doubt she’d be interested in me.”

Customer: “You’re gay?”

Me: “Guilty.”

Customer: “So that explains the accent.”


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