Some Informational Baggage

, , , , , | Right | March 15, 2018

(England has just introduced a mandatory charge for carrier bags to larger businesses.)

Customer: *to my colleague* “This is ridiculous. Companies are just going to take advantage of this and it won’t make any difference.”

Me: “Actually, sir, the same law requires we donate all revenue, after VAT, to charity. We have our own foundation which donates to major charities, as well as taking submissions from lesser-known ones, so it is likely any revenue we make from bags will go to this. Furthermore, the charge reduced the use of bags in Wales to a fifth and has proven to be successful.”

(Both are in a stunned silence.)

Colleague: “Where did you learn that?”

Me: “[Variety Store] had huge posters next to the tills boasting the fact about Wales, and the charity point is on the cards warning about the charge.”

(The customer looked at the one I was pointing at, looking rather embarrassed.)

The Infinity Breakfast

, , , , , , , | Romantic | March 15, 2018

(I’ve just woken up, I’m being a bit lazy in getting up, and I want five more minutes of snuggles. I turn to my boyfriend, who is half-awake next to me. Warning: Marvel Cinematic Universe spoilers.)

Me: “Babe. You know how in Thor: Ragnarok, Loki went to Odin’s vault in the end? Do you think he took the Tesseract and saved the blue Infinity Stone?”

Boyfriend: “He almost definitely did. That’s why Thanos has it in the trailer for Infinity War.”

Me: “So, what happened to the red Infinity Stone?”

Boyfriend: “Oh, the strawberry stone. Not sure. Don’t know what it does.”

Me: “Okay, well, Doctor Strange has the green one. And what happened to Loki’s staff? That had the yellow stone in it.”

Boyfriend: “Oh, the lemon stone. It’s by the sugar stone and the pancake stone.”

(I’m keeping him.)

The Damage Is Complimentary

, , , , | Friendly | March 15, 2018

(My friends and I are playing a custom Dungeons and Dragons scenario the Dungeon Master created, since we find them more fun. My friend often flirts with me or my character, which I don’t really mind. We are in the middle of a battle, where my ranger is using his bow as a makeshift shield against an enemy’s sword.)

Me: “I need a bit of help here.”

Friend: “I throw my spear at the enemy attacking [My Name].”

Dungeon Master: *roll the dice and gets a one* “Okay, you—”

Friend: “—wait! Before I throw, I shout to [My Name], ‘Your eyes shine beautifully like the crystal clear lake on a frosty winter morning!’ and then I throw. I also pray the compliment will make him forgive me for the spear.”

Dungeon Master: “You throw the spear. It impales [My Name] and deals four points of damage.”

Me: “Firstly, thanks for the compliment. Secondly, f*** you for the spear, and thirdly, no, it did not.”

Some Superheroes You See Outside The Movies

, , , , , , | Friendly | March 12, 2018

(Waiting for my bus in the pouring rain after having a terrible day at work, I see a little boy across the road, dragging his mum down the street, shouting excitedly.)

Little Boy: “Hurry up, Mum! I want to see the superheroes and tell them what I did today.”

Mum: “I’m going as fast as I can. Which one’s your favourite?”

Little Boy: “I love them all. They’re my bestest friends in the ever!”

Mum: “Okay, we’re nearly there, sweetie.”

(The little boy and his mum stopped in front of the war memorial. The little lad was jumping up and down shouting, “Hello!” His mum started reading the names off, and the little boy kept repeating them telling them that he went to school for the first time that day. I cried.)

The Mother Of All Cheap Customers

, , , , , , | Right | March 11, 2018

(It is Mother’s Day. We have had lots of deliveries of £1 bunches of daffodils. A lot of them are dated today, so to clear them, we have reduced them down to 40p per bunch and put them on the checkouts for customers to see. We have also been told to offer them to all customers. A young man comes up to my till with a nice bouquet of flowers costing £6.)

Me: “Your mum will love these. Would you like a bunch of daffodils to give to her as well?”

Customer: “They’re only 40p?”

Me: “Indeed. A little extra present for Mum?”

Customer: “Actually, I’ll leave these [the £6 bouquet] and buy a bunch of these [the 40p daffodils], instead! Thanks!”

(He pays his 40p and walks off. I realise that instead of getting an extra 40p from him, I’ve lost £5.60 from the sale! As I mull over this…)

Next Customer: “I feel sorry for his mum!”

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