Totally Flunked That One

, , , , | Right | May 6, 2010

(I am working in a cafe near one of the main halls for university examinations, for which the students have to wear full robes. Every time an exam finishes, the students come out and celebrate with champagne and confetti.)

Tourist: “Excuse me, what time is the next show?”

Me: “I’m sorry? There’s a theatre round the corner from here. They might be able to help you.”

Tourist: “No, the next university show. With the costumes and everything.”

Me: “I’m afraid that’s not a performance. Those are the university’s students, and they’re finishing their exams.”

Tourist: “So, when will the next one finish? I want to bring my wife.”


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Not Just Ol’ Gay Paris Anymore

, , , , , , , , | Right | April 27, 2010

(I am of Chinese descent but I was born and raised in London. I am serving a table of American tourists, headed by a rather boisterous older woman.)

Me: “Welcome to [Restaurant]. What will you be having today?”

Customer: “Oh, my God!”

Me: “Are you okay, ma’am?”

Customer: “What’s wrong with your voice?”

Me: “Nothing, ma’am. I’m perfectly fine.”

Customer: “But you sound English!”

Me: “I am. I was born here.”

Customer: “But that’s impossible!”

Me: “I assure you, ma’am, I was born right here in London. This is my normal accent. So, what can I get you to order?”

Customer: “How old are you?”

Me: “21, ma’am.”

Customer: “Would you like to meet my daughter? She’s thinking of studying here for school.”

Me: “No thanks, ma’am. I’m gay and have a boyfriend so I doubt she’d be interested in me.”

Customer: “You’re gay?”

Me: “Guilty.”

Customer: “So that explains the accent.”


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At The Corner Of Me & Myself

, , , , , | Right | April 15, 2010

Customer: “I’m looking for a taxi in my town, please.”

Me: “Okay. Where are you, sir?”

Customer: “In my living room.”

Me: “Which town are you in?”

Customer: “The junction by the nursing home.”

Me: “No… which town are you in, please?”

Customer: “You’re not very bright, are you?”


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Barking Up The Wrong Tree

, , , | Right | April 15, 2010

Me: “Good morning, [Game Store]. How can I help?”

Caller: “Can you tell me what’s coming out over the next three weeks?”

Me: “Which format would you like, sir?”

Caller: “All of them.”

Me: “You want all the releases for all the formats for the next three weeks?”

Caller: “YES!”

Me: “Okay… on PS2, we’ve got Yakuza–”

Caller: “Boring.”

Me: “Um… we’ve also got The Godfather–”

Caller: “That sounds rubbish.”

Me: “Um… there’s Reservoir Dogs next week–”

Caller: “I don’t even LIKE dogs. Why would I play that?!” *hangs up*

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Cost In The Translation, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | April 8, 2010

Customer: “This food is terrible. I want a refund!”

(She turns to her daughter and starts speaking in Spanish.)

Customer: “The food was amazing, actually!”

Me: *also in Spanish* “I’ll send my compliments to the chef, then.”


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