Customer: “I’d like to return this DVD drive, as it’s broken. And I also want to use this coupon I got for a laptop bag.”

Me: “Of course, that’s no problem. Would you like me to get you a replacement DVD drive?”

Customer: “No, I bought another one a few weeks ago here.”

(I check her receipt; it’s a month old, and she bought the drive and a laptop bag on it.)

Customer: “That’s the bag; I want my 20% off on there. I forgot to use the coupon when I bought it.”

(Technically, we aren’t supposed to retrospectively add coupons to purchases, but as she’s already returning an item, it would be easy for me to do so. She hands me the coupon. It expired two weeks ago.)

Me: “I’ll be unable to use this coupon for you as it’s now out of date.”

Customer: “What? But it was in date when I bought the bag. I had it with me.”

Me: “But you didn’t use it?”

Customer: “No, I was busy buying things, and I left it in my bag and I forgot. And then, when I bought the other DVD drive, I brought it with me again. But I forgot to use it then.”

Me: “I’m sorry you’ve not used it, but it has now expired, so even if I try to use it, the till will reject it.”

Customer: “No one reminded me! I came in here twice and no one said, ‘Do you have any coupons you need to use?’”

Me: “We don’t ask that; it’s the customer’s responsibility to remember to use them.”

Customer: “So, you won’t give me my 20% off?”

Me: “We’re unable to do that.”

Customer: “That’s awful service. And for only £5, as well.”

(She takes her refund on the DVD drive and storms out. My manager comes over, having heard the conversation.)

Manager: “That was… interesting. Why don’t you go and do some merchandising for a bit?”

Me: “Okay, but if I forget what I’m doing, it’s your fault!”

(My colleague and I are manning the reception desk at the start of our shift, getting our night-portering duties started. A late check-in walks into the reception and walks to my colleague at the desk.)

Customer: “Lodge 37.”

Colleague: “Checking in?”

Customer: “Yes. Lodge 37.”

Colleague: “What name is the booking under?”

Customer: “It’s for lodge 37.”

Colleague: “Yes, but what name is the booking made under?”

Customer: “The booking is for lodge 37.”

(Note: if you’re wondering if there is a language barrier here, there is not; this guy is completely English, a timeshare customer who comes by twice a year.)

Colleague: *getting a bit desperate now* “I need to know the name the booking was made for before I can check you in.”

Customer: “Why do you need to know? I’m telling you my booking is for lodge 37! That’s all you need to know! LODGE 37! 37!”

(I chip in to help my colleague out.)

Me: “Sir. We cannot check you in or give you any keys until I know you are the individual on our system. Otherwise, anyone could come in and ask to check into any lodge at any time.”

(I do not raise my voice or snap at all during this explanation.)

Customer: “I didn’t ask you! And there’s no need to be rude. You could have just said so. It’s [Customer], for lodge 37.”

(My colleague completes the check-in process and hands over the keys to a lodge, and the customer gives me a filthy look as he heads out of the door. Once he is well out of sight, my colleague and I indulge in a synchronized facepalm before my colleague speaks up.)

Colleague: “You want to know the best part? He’s not in lodge 37. Specifically booked lodge 38.”

Me: “Why didn’t you tell him?”

Colleague: “Did you want to try and tell him that? He was so adamant. It’s written on his keyring; he’ll figure it out. And 37 is empty, anyway, so he’s not going to disturb anyone trying to get in.”

(We never heard from him, so we assume the guy found his lodge without any trouble.)

(I work in an office. We get a lot of people for whom this is a first job. I train our new starters. I have my script down pat after many years of saying the same things. There are lots of things I have to cover that seem like I shouldn’t have to say, but if someone has ever done it before, I have to cover it. Amongst them is the dress code:)

Me: “No denim, jeans, or anything that looks like or is styled after denim or jeans. This includes jeans, denim jackets, denim shirts, denim waistcoats, jeggings, clothes made of material designed to look like denim that isn’t actually denim, jean-cut trousers, chinos, or anything else that gives the appearance of jeans or denim in any way.”

(You’d think this is pretty clear, right? Today, one of our newer staff members turned up in a denim mini-skirt. Her excuse?)

New Staff: “You did say that, but I didn’t think this would count. You didn’t mention anything about denim skirts!”

(That, of course, also ignored that fact that the dress code training also included “full-length trousers with socks, or skirt to at least the knee with tights.”)

(My store sells small helium balloons, already blown up, on plastic sticks. They’re quite popular with kids, and a lot of people give them to the kid to hold, who proceeds to lose the stick. As a result, the balloon just gets dumped. We have a random balloon, minus the stick, on the customer service desk. A manager tells us to just pop it and throw it away, since it won’t sell. My supervisor is generally quite serious and wouldn’t ever do anything silly in front of customers.)

Me: “You know, the last time [Manager] told us to pop one of these, [Coworker] did a tannoy announcement after inhaling the helium. It was brilliant.”

Supervisor: “Really? Did she not get in trouble?”

Me: “Nah, [Manager] found it hilarious and none of the customers seem to listen to the tannoy anyway…”

(I turn away to do something for a moment. When I turn around, [Supervisor] is inhaling the helium and trying to ring our HR manager. When the HR manager doesn’t pick up the phone, she inhales a big gulp of helium and does a tannoy announcement. A few minutes later, when I’ve stopped giggling, the HR manager wanders over.)

HR Manager: “What on earth was that?!”

(She found it funny, as well, and nobody got in trouble. Now, whenever I find a balloon, I ask if anybody would like to do a tannoy announcement before I pop it!)

I work in product allocations for a well-known children’s store chain at their head office.

One day, I get a phone call from a store that has a bit of a strange and upsetting situation.

A woman and her seven-year-old son have gotten into a car accident, as pedestrians. He is severely autistic, as well as having several other disabilities that mean that he cannot walk for long distances. He has a special stroller, which has since been discontinued. The stroller was destroyed in the car accident.

The store phones me because they cannot find a way to order the stroller anywhere. We literally don’t sell it anymore and we were one of the only places in the UK that did. The mother needs it ASAP because they are being released from the hospital and don’t have a car. She is injured so can’t carry him. She is a single mum.

I manage to find the stroller in the stock files of a store about 80 miles away from me — 350 total miles from the mum and child. I phone the store, but the manager isn’t helpful. He just says he is too busy and that they don’t have it, even though their files very clearly say that they do. 

Their stocktake was only last week, so I am certain it is accurate.

Lucky for me, because of my job, I can schedule impromptu store visits. I drive down to the store and search the stockroom for this hidden stroller for a few hours before finding it. I phone the mother’s local store and tell them to expect it.

After loading it onto a truck to travel another two hundred miles, the local store assistant meets the truck right before her shop closes and drives the stroller to the children’s hospital to give to the mum. She does the full demonstration and then drives the woman and her son home and gets them settled.

When I speak to the store assistant later, I learn that she and the woman have become close friends.