Free Will Gets Free Drink

, , , , , | Right | September 14, 2019

(I work in a small pub. It’s a small village and we get quite a few regulars. One of these regulars is my uncle’s best friend. My uncle has recently passed away from bowel cancer, and his best friend is taking it especially hard. Neither men married and my uncle died quite young. I’m behind the bar.)

Me: “Hi, [Best Friend]. How are you today?”

Best Friend: “Not good, love. Can’t wait to get this will business out of the way.”

Me: “Put your money away; this one’s on me.”

(I make a note in the employee book to charge for the drink and pull the pint. Just as I pass it over, this happens:)

Woman: “Why does that man get a free drink? I want a free drink!”

Me: *ignoring the woman* “The restaurant through there is empty at the moment, [Uncle’s Best Friend]. Feel free to go sit down for a minute. I’ll see you in a bit.”

Woman: “Don’t you ignore me! I want a pint of Carlsberg and I’m not paying for it!”

Me: “I bought that man a drink out of my own money as he’s going through a tough time right now. I don’t even know you!”

Woman: “Well, I’m [Woman]; buy me a drink!”

(My manager comes out of the back and the woman’s eyes widen.)

Woman: “Oh, f***.”

Manager: “You’re still barred, [Woman]! Get out!”

(The woman scurries away.)

Me: “What did she do?”

Manager: “She pissed in someone’s pint when they went to the bathroom.”

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Do Not Cross Him

, , , , , | Friendly | September 14, 2019

(I attend a weekly Bible study class at my church. My fiancé isn’t always able to attend as he works various shifts but he is starting a job with regular hours soon.)

Leader: “It’s great that [Fiancé] will be able to come more often with his new job.”

Me: “Yeah, it will be. Fingers crossed! And everything else crossed, too!”

(The next meeting we both attend, and at the end, the leader takes my fiancé aside and they chat for about ten minutes. I assume it’s just a chat welcoming him and seeing if he needs anything. As we leave the church and walk towards the car, my fiancé looks really confused.)

Me: “What did [Leader] say to you?”

Fiancé: “He was asking me about my new job. He wanted to know if it was anything to do with spirits or the occult.”

Me: “What?! Why would he say that?”

Fiancé: “He said that you mentioned a ritual last week that was about crossing bones or something to make sure my job would be okay.”

(When I asked the leader about it, he said that “crossing” things had to do with the occult and I should have said, “God willing,” instead.)

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Quick Comebacks Are Tonic For The Soul

, , , , | Right | September 13, 2019

(I am sixteen, working my first job as a waiter in a restaurant. One older female diner – you know the type, aspiring middle class and very entitled – snaps her fingers to get my attention. I find this very rude, but approach her professionally anyway.)

Customer: “Get me a G&T. That’s a gin & tonic to someone like you.”

(Shocked and offended, I admittedly reply before I can think.)

Me: “Would you like ice and lemon with that? That’s frozen water and sliced fruits for someone like you.”

(The customer was shocked and asked for my manager. Luckily, the manager pulled me aside just to say “that was really great – just don’t do that again.)

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Volumetric Distress

, , , , , | Right | September 13, 2019

(I make the drinks for the restaurant. A few minutes after delivering an order to the table, the server for that section comes up to my bar.)

Server: “You’re not going to believe this.”

Me: “What is it?”

Server: “The lady who ordered the pint of soda…”

Me: “…”

Server: “…she says she wants her pint in a smaller glass.”

(We separate the drink out into two half-pint glasses, not wanting to rip her off and waste any of it seeing as she already paid. Her response?)

Customer: “I don’t understand how you expect me to drink all this!”

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Defaulted To A Con

, , , , | Legal | September 12, 2019

(Someone knocks at the door, so I answer it. The guy standing there says:)

Guy: “Miss [Mispronunciation Of My Name]?” 

Me: “Who’s asking?”

Guy: “Sorry to have to tell you this, love, but your brother named you on a loan that he’s defaulted on. We’ve come to collect the goods up to the value of three thousand.”

Me: *extremely suspicious* “Well, I never signed any such thing, and I’m sure you won’t mind if I call the police and a solicitor, will you? Just to make sure everything’s above board?”

Guy: “No need to worry about that, love. How about we come in, get the stuff, and we’ll say no more about it?”

Me: *desperately thinking about makeshift weapons I could grab* “No. How about you stay out there, and I’ll call the police? If you’re legit, that won’t be a problem, will it?”

Guy: “Oh, well, never mind, love. We’ll see if there’s anything we can do.”

(They then went across the street. I called the non-emergency police number and gave a description of the guy and an explanation of what was going on. Three hours later, I got a call from the local police. They’d picked up a group of three going around trying to rip people off.)

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