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Sometimes Gluttony Comes To Bite You Back

, , , , , , | Working | September 21, 2021

We bring cakes to work for our birthdays. I normally buy plenty as they never seem to last. I joke that it’s like feeding time at the zoo. [Coworker #1] is the worst; she’ll see you come into the office and you can’t even get the cakes out of the shopping bag before she starts eating. Then, she’ll go back several times trying to be sneaky, but she never is.

Honestly, it annoys me at first; she leaves nothing for the other shift, even if I mark up a box for them.

One birthday, as I am leaving, I notice that there are loads left. On my way out, I shout to the next shift that there are some upstairs and to grab what they want, and then I head home.

[Coworker #1] accosts me the next morning.

Coworker #1: “So, it was your birthday yesterday?”

Me: “Good morning, [Coworker #1]. Yes, it was.”

Coworker #1: “So, cakes?”

Me: “Oh, sorry, I didn’t realise you weren’t here. Yes, there might be something left in the kitchen. I’m not sure if they have been in the fridge or not.”

She mutters something under her breath; I catch something about saving some for her. She comes back in with the remaining boxes.

Coworker #1: “Well, it’s not my favourite, but I guess it’s something.” 

I ignore her. Apparently, she eats the rest of the cakes throughout the morning. She starts complaining more than usual, and then at lunch, she disappears.

Coworker #2: *Looking through the box* “[Coworker #1] doesn’t leave much for anyone else, huh?”

Me: “Oh, don’t eat the cream ones; they have been sitting in a warm kitchen all night.”

Coworker #2: “[Coworker #1] ate two full boxes already!”

Me: “Wow, I wonder if we will see her today.”

She took the next two days off. She blamed me, of course, but no one took her seriously.

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Keep A Lid On That “Daft” Talk

, , , , , | Related | September 20, 2021

My mum comes round to see our new flat.

Mum: “Why do all your candles have these little lids?”

Me: “Oh, I never really realised. I guess it’s to stop things getting on the candle, catching fire. I never really thought about it before.”

Mum: “Seems daft to me.”

Me: “Maybe. I just like them because they smell nice.”

Mum: “They do, they really do.”

I end up buying her one of the candles she likes the most, and the next time I visit her:

Me: “Smells nice in here. Do I smell your new candle?”

Mum: “Hmm, yes, it’s really nice. But have you noticed it smells a bit when you first light it?”

Me: “No? What of?”

Mum: “Well, burnt hair.”

Me: “Hmmm, do you check if Morris (the cat) gets his hair on it?”

Mum: “Oh, I was dusting the other day, and I saw hairs in there. I didn’t even think. They should make something to stop that.”

Me: “Yeah, I think they do, you know. Maybe you have one already?”

She figured it out pretty quickly; the little kids are no longer as “daft” as she thought.

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We’ll Find Harmony And Balance After You Leave

, , , | Right | September 18, 2021

A while ago, we were trying to sell our home. I was working at home at that point, so I would go out when the agent had a viewing and come back afterward. Despite a lot of time wasters, things were going okay. A few low offers and plenty of interest.

The weirdest thing was that after one viewing, I started to notice that things were out of place. Knives were facing different ways, picture frames and candles were swapped around, and a small standing mirror was moved.

I thought it might have been the estate agent, maybe tidying up, although it didn’t look any better and he never did it before any of the other viewings. But it wasn’t a big deal and was easily fixed, so I never thought of it again.

A while later, there was a knock on the door. I answered it to find a middle-aged woman.

Woman: “Oh, hello. I am following up about the card I put through your door.”

Me: “I’m sorry, remind me what it was. I might have missed it.”

Woman: *Huffy already* “It was a card — a small yellow card about feng shui.”

I seem to recall throwing that straight into the bin.

Me: “Oh, yes, I recall. How is it I can help?”

Woman: “I came round the other week and noticed that your whole house was wrong. The energy was all wrong. It’s probably why it hasn’t sold.”

It took me a while to connect the dots.

Me: “Oh, you are interested in buying the house?”

Woman: “What? No! I’m a professional feng shui consultant. I help people to achieve harmony and balance.”

Me: “No, thank you.”

I shut the door as she was still arguing that I would “never sell the house,” and I let the estate agent know not to let her come round again.

A few weeks later, he told me that he had to ban her, as after I complained it made sense.  She was asking to view pretty much every house nearby, never made an offer, and never viewed a house twice, and her budget seemed to change weekly.

He let the other estate agents know to ban her, as well. It’s one thing to put the card through the door — completely another to waste everyone’s time!

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An Urgent Issue That Needs (Ad)Dressing

, , , , , | Working | September 17, 2021

[Coworker] joined the team before we all started to work from home. I’ve met her twice and can’t stand her. She’s opinionated, she will force her opinion on everyone, and she is generally willfully ignorant of the world around her.

I had completely forgotten about her until I had to go back on site. The team decides to meet for lunch. I get there late and find only one chair left, next to [Coworker]. I fake a smile and sit down.

[Coworker] is already giving a speech about something inane.

Boss: “Well, yes, err… thank you, [Coworker]. How is everyone else?”

A few murmurs of general positive comments come from the group.

Boss: “Just one point of business, I promise, but while you are all here… while we are on video calls for the company, please can we remember that there is a dress code of sorts?”

Groans come from everyone.

Boss: “Now, now, I’m not asking for full business wear, but you need to be presentable; please, can we wear clothes and keep basic hygiene in mind? Hair brushed — you know, the basics.”

I’m a bit surprised that he has to bring this up. Everyone I’ve spoken to is professional and knows the basics of being in a business. Then, I find out who has the issue.

Coworker: “Well, I don’t think the company can tell us what to wear in our own home. It’s hot; I can’t wear my normal clothes!”

Boss: “Again, I’m not expecting you to. I wear a T-shirt and shorts. I’m just asking everyone to be presentable.”

Coworker: “Well, I don’t see the rule that working from home I have to…”

She continues for several minutes about off-topic and barely relevant points.

Boss: *Getting frustrated* “Your contract states that you must wear smart and presentable clothes. Okay? So smart and presentable clothes, please.”

Coworker: “But I think—”

Boss: “No, not think. Not open for discussion. [Coworker], please wear appropriate clothes.”

Coworker: “I don’t see why I am being singled out.”

Boss: “I’m not singling you out. I am making myself clear, as you seem to need additional explanation. [Coworker], please wear appropriate clothes when on video calls. Everyone, please wear appropriate clothes when on video.”

Coworker: “Then I will need additional breaks so I can get changed before each call.”

Boss: “No. Okay, [Coworker], we need to talk privately.”

I asked around after lunch, and it turned out that [Coworker] had been working in her stained pyjamas, even in video calls with senior management. There were even rumours of her bottoms falling down (mostly off-camera) as she bumbled around on video when she was supposed to be paying attention.

Eventually, they made her work in the office because of all the complaints. Thankfully, she manages to get dressed now.

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We Won’t Be Pooling Our Efforts

, , , , | Friendly | September 17, 2021

We buy an unfinished project house. The bare bones are all there; it just needs a kitchen and decoration. In the back are the makings of an in-ground pool. Going through all the work to build a pool put many buyers off. We have no desire to have a pool — certainly not one that takes up the whole garden! We plan to make it safe and fill it in. It’s far less work and suits us fine.

The day after the moving vans leave, the neighbour’s kids are craning to see. One of them comes up to me.

Kid: “When’s the pool going to be finished?”

Me: “Huh?”

Kid: “The pool in the garden.”

Me: “Oh, sorry. I don’t know about that.”

Kid: “Oh.”

He wanders off. I think it’s a bit bold, but kids say what they’re thinking. Then, the neighbour comes over.

Neighbour: “Hi. I’m [Neighbour] from next door. Got yourself quite a project.”

Me: “Hi, good to meet you. I think we can get it done pretty quickly.”

Neighbour: “Oh, I’m a plumber. Might be able to help with the pool if you need it.”

Me: “Thanks, but I think we will fill it in. We’re not much for swimming.”

Neighbour: “What, all that work and you’re going to just fill it in?”

Me: “Yeah, pretty much.”

Neighbour: “We had an agreement with the last guy. He took all the supplies through our garden and the understanding was that the kids got use of the pool.”

Me: “He certainly didn’t mention anything like that to me, sorry.”

Neighbour: “Well, what are you going to do about it?”

Me: “Nothing? I’m not building your kids a pool. Tell you what. Any pool stuff laying around, you can use. Help yourself.”

Neighbour: “We don’t want a pool; we need the space for the kids.”

Me: “You and me both, buddy.”

The very next day, the low fence was boarded up to full height. Not the best first impression, but I still don’t understand what he expected.

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