They’re Not Horsing Around With Those Toppings

, , , , , , | Working | June 12, 2017

(We are sitting down for pizza in an area of London that is notorious for its hipsters. This usually means some weird options in restaurants, such as cauliflower cheese pizza. We are ready to order.)

Waiter: “This is one of our most popular pizzas, made with our best horse cheese.”

Friend: “I’m… sorry?”

Waiter: “It comes with premium toppings, including horse cheese.”

(We look at each other before looking back at the waiter.)

Friend: “Could we order it with regular cheese?”

Waiter: “I’m not sure; let me check…”

(He walks into the kitchen and calls out loudly for the chef, and pretty much the whole restaurant heard what came next.)

Waiter: “Hey, can we do the pizzas without horse cheese?”

Chef: “What the f*** is horse cheese?!”

(The restaurant LOST it! Apparently the staff had been playing a prank on the waiter, but no customers had thought to ask about the ‘horse cheese’ up until then! I wonder if it’s really a thing, or if some people will just eat anything without question!)

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Massive Conversational Fail

, , , , | Learning | June 12, 2017

(I’m a mature science student in my first year of university. When it comes to choosing optional modules for the second year:)

Me: “…so, I’d like to take the optional history module, assuming I don’t massively fail the exam coming up for this semester’s optional history module.”

Adviser: “Don’t worry. When have you massively failed at anything?”

Me: “Well, when I was fifteen, doing GCSEs. That’s why I’m ten years older than everyone else here.”

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Trained To Take Trains From High-Vis Staff

, , , , , | Right | June 10, 2017

(I am a contract truck driver doing short haul. This means I catch a train to where the truck is, drive it and then catch a train to the next job or home. I have a large bag of essentials and a small folding bike with me, but above all I am wearing a hi-vis jacket. I catch a LOT of trains. I have just dropped off a truck at Gatwick Airport and am standing perusing the departure board for the trains when someone comes and taps me on the shoulder.)

American Lady: “Excuse me, can you tell me where the train to Victoria goes from?”

Me: “Erm… From Platform 4 or 5, they alternate. Take the lift over there and listen to the announcements.”

(I turned back and work out my own train was going in 20 minutes from Platform 7. As I was about to head there another couple approached me with the same question. I directed them, too… and the next… and the next. At one point I had a small queue. At no point did anyone question that I had a bike and bag with me. They just saw the hi-vis and made the assumption. After 15 minutes I made my escape and caught my own train.)

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A Sinful Place To Live

, , , | Related | June 9, 2017

(The family is gathered around the dinner table for the evening meal. Dad is telling us about a couple who came to his business that afternoon.)

Dad: “He was a lot older than she is. They are living in s…” *he stutters and pauses*

Mum: “Sin?”

Dad: “Southgate Crescent.”

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Mature Content Results In Immaturity

, , , , | Right | June 9, 2017

(I’m working on the till at a small supermarket when a woman walks up with her basket of shopping. I notice that she’s with a young boy, who can’t be older than about 11 and he’s browsing some shelves nearby. I’m ringing up her shopping, when I come to a gaming magazine which is currently running a feature on a popular war game. As I scan it, a warning pops up on my till, asking me to verify the customer’s age.)

Customer: “How much is that? If it’s too expensive, I won’t get it for him.” *she gestures to the young boy*

Me: “Well, it’s [price] but this magazine is only suitable for people over the age of 18 and as you’ve just told me you’re buying it for him, I can’t sell it to you.”

Customer: “What?! Well, it’s not for him.”

Me: “No, I’m sorry; you’ve just said that it’s for him. I really cannot sell you this.” *I put the magazine to one side*

Customer: “Well, that’s ridiculous. It’s for his older brother; he’s at home and he’s 18!”

Me: “You’ve told me that you’re buying this for a child, so our store will not sell this to you.”

(The customer huffs and argues a bit more, as I ring up the rest of her shopping. I read her the total.)

Customer: “So, you’re really not going to sell that to me?”

Me: “That’s right.”

Customer: “Well, I’m just going to have a terrible night with him now! He’s going to be a nightmare!”

(The boy comes over to the till and asks the woman if he can have his magazine.)

Customer: *to the boy* “No! This lady says that you can’t have it!”

Me: *to the customer* “Well, the reason that it’s not suitable for children is that the content of the magazine, just like [Game featured in the magazine] is extremely violent. That’s actually why they’ve put it in a plastic cover; because the images in the magazine are too graphic for children.”

(The customer blushes profusely and looks ashamed. She stays silent as she pays for her shopping.)

Customer: *as she’s picking up her bags* “Just… so… you know, I don’t let him play those horrible games. I’m not a bad mother!”

(She scurried out of the store with the child!)

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