Rabbiting On About Sizes

, , , , , | Right | October 27, 2017

Customer: “Excuse me, young man, what is the difference between the large and small fish and chips?”

Me: “Erm, they are different sizes.”

Customer: “Yes, but what is the actual difference?”

Me: “Erm, well, there are fewer chips, and the fish is a bit smaller.”

Customer: “Thank you, young man. I will have the rabbit pie, please.”

Shark Cage Diver Is A Job

, , , , , , | Learning | October 26, 2017

(I’m in a Spanish lesson. It may be important to note that my teacher has an Irish accent.)

Teacher: “Remember back when we studied jobs? Who can tell me what ‘abogado’ means?”

Student: “Shark?”

Teacher: “What? Jobs!”

Student: “Oh… I thought you said ‘jaws.’”

Teacher: *jokingly* “When I get older, I want to be a shark.”

Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Went

, , , , , | Right | October 25, 2017

(I work at a bar.)

Me: “Okay, that’ll be £14, please.”

Customer: “I’ll pay on my card.”

Me: *points to the sign behind me* “Cash only, sorry.”

Customer: “Is your machine broken?”

Me: “No, we don’t have a card machine.”

Customer: “But I paid by card last week.”

Me: “Doubt it.”

Customer: “You must be new. I used to pay by card all the time here.”

Me: “Well, I’ve worked here for five years. The bar itself has been open for seven. In that time, we have never had a card-machine. If you mean you paid by card at the strip-club that this venue used to be, then you would be right.”

Customer: “Erm… You sure your machine isn’t working?”

Me: *deadpan face*

(The customer walks away.)

I Love That You Know That

, , , , | Friendly | October 24, 2017

(I am asexual and aromantic.)

Friend: “Everybody needs love!”

Me: *glares at her*

Friend: *points to me* “Except you.”

Not Into Darcy’s

, , , , , , | Related | October 24, 2017

(I’m female, and in my early 20s I am feeling out my nascent lesbianism. My family is pretty cool, but I am still quite nervous about coming out, especially as I’m not sure if I am gay, bi, confused, or going through a phase. One night, I go to the cinema with my dad to see the first Bridget Jones movie. At the end, he turns to me and, clearly trying to use young-person language, says:)

Dad: “So, Colin Firth? Is he… fit, then?”

Me: *caught off guard* “Ermmmmmm. Um… Ah. Um… Well, Dad, I’m not so much into boys at the minute.”

Dad: *without missing a beat* “So, Renée Zellweger. Is she fit, then?”

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