And It Shall Come With Crocodiles

, , , , | Romantic | July 10, 2017

(My boyfriend and I are half-asleep in bed together. Note, we’ve been discussing one day getting a house together.)

Boyfriend: *randomly turns to me* “I should think so.”

Me: *now awake* “What do you mean?”

Boyfriend: *now also awake* “You asked me a question.”

Me: *realising he probably dreamed it* “What did I ask you?”

Boyfriend: “Errr… ‘Can we have a house with a moat?'”

Schizophrenic Convicts Need Friends Too!

, , , | Friendly | July 10, 2017

Me: “Hey! This is [Name]. She’s the one I was telling you about.”

Friend: “Oh, the schizo who was just released from prison!”

(We all stare at her, confused.)

Me: “Umm, no. The one who’s studying to become a barrister.”

Friend: “Oh, of course. Hi!”

(I literally have no idea where this other one came from, and quite frankly I don’t want to know!)

When It Came To Crunch Time, They Lost

, , , , , | Friendly | July 7, 2017

I work on a market stall on a Saturday. My boss is great, a really nice bloke who I have known for years, but he won’t bend over backwards to help just anyone.

The stall is at the top of the street, and it means that cars cannot park there on a Saturday til six pm.

This man drives up in his car — quite a nice car (this is relevant). It is packing up time, but everyone still has a lot to do and there are vans and trucks all over the place. But this man WANTS to come down the street and park!

He doesn’t start well. He is very rude to a teenage boy on the opposite stall. The boy’s dad is a tough Irish man and he goes over to the man and has a quiet word. The man backs off without a murmur!

Then he starts on my boss. He wants my boss to move his van. my boss tells him that he will have to wait as he is in the middle of packing up. He has the flap down at the back of the van; it is quite obvious that it would be highly inconvenient for him to move it on demand.

This takes about five minutes. We are all watching this bloke because he is being such an idiot.

What he does next is extraordinary.

He drives his car through a small gap right next to my boss’s van. It isn’t big enough, and as I said the flap is down. The flap catches on the door of the car. It is made of tougher stuff than the car door, and there is an amazing crunching and tearing of metal as this man’s car door is totalled, but he just keeps going.

There is much clapping and laughing and some jeering, and my boss says “if you could have just waited!’. The man does not respond. He doesn’t look at anyone or say a single word.

Hands down the funniest 10 minutes I have ever had at work.

Lava-Resistant Briefcase

, , , , , , , | Friendly | July 1, 2017

A friend and I have been watching videos of people yelling “Floor is lava!”

We decide to test it ourselves as the cafe we are in is mostly filled with young people. I yell at the top of my lungs.

Many people are sitting down and just lift up their legs. One person puts her feet on the table, and a male employee jumps into a female employee’s arms.

What made us laugh most was a confused business man who looked around and then dropped his briefcase on the floor and stood on it. He lifted a thumb up and continued to drink what I assumed was his coffee.

 

The Terrifying Twos

, , , , | Related | June 29, 2017

(I’m writing an essay on ghosts. I feel they can explained through scientific methods and decide to ask if my family ever had any experiences with this.)

Me: “Did anyone ever have encounters with ghosts? Like moving objects, orbs, or apparitions?”

Mum: “I didn’t, but you used to sit in the corner of the living room talking to [My Sister who died at the age of five] and [My Uncle who got hit by a car at twelve].”

(I should mention that I didn’t know either of them since I was not born early enough to know them and I had never seen any pictures of them.)

Me: “When was this?”

Mum: “When you were four or five.”

Me: “I guess I could use this as a personal experience.”

(I start to walk out the room.)

Mum: “That’s not even the worst bit.”

Me: “…”

Mum: “You looked at me at one point and asked “will I die when I’m twelve?” Since you have the same name.”

Me: “…”

(I knew I was strange as a child, but never expected to be that morbid as well.)