Shark Cage Diver Is A Job

, , , , , | Learning | October 26, 2017

(I’m in a Spanish lesson. It may be important to note that my teacher has an Irish accent.)

Teacher: “Remember back when we studied jobs? Who can tell me what ‘abogado’ means?”

Student: “Shark?”

Teacher: “What? Jobs!”

Student: “Oh… I thought you said ‘jaws.’”

Teacher: *jokingly* “When I get older, I want to be a shark.”

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Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Went

, , , , , | Right | October 25, 2017

(I work at a bar.)

Me: “Okay, that’ll be £14, please.”

Customer: “I’ll pay on my card.”

Me: *points to the sign behind me* “Cash only, sorry.”

Customer: “Is your machine broken?”

Me: “No, we don’t have a card machine.”

Customer: “But I paid by card last week.”

Me: “Doubt it.”

Customer: “You must be new. I used to pay by card all the time here.”

Me: “Well, I’ve worked here for five years. The bar itself has been open for seven. In that time, we have never had a card-machine. If you mean you paid by card at the strip-club that this venue used to be, then you would be right.”

Customer: “Erm… You sure your machine isn’t working?”

Me: *deadpan face*

(The customer walks away.)

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I Love That You Know That

, , , , | Friendly | October 24, 2017

(I am asexual and aromantic.)

Friend: “Everybody needs love!”

Me: *glares at her*

Friend: *points to me* “Except you.”

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Not Into Darcy’s

, , , , , , | Related | October 24, 2017

(I’m female, and in my early 20s I am feeling out my nascent lesbianism. My family is pretty cool, but I am still quite nervous about coming out, especially as I’m not sure if I am gay, bi, confused, or going through a phase. One night, I go to the cinema with my dad to see the first Bridget Jones movie. At the end, he turns to me and, clearly trying to use young-person language, says:)

Dad: “So, Colin Firth? Is he… fit, then?”

Me: *caught off guard* “Ermmmmmm. Um… Ah. Um… Well, Dad, I’m not so much into boys at the minute.”

Dad: *without missing a beat* “So, Renée Zellweger. Is she fit, then?”

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Allergic To Your Attitude

, , , , | Healthy | October 23, 2017

(I have an itchy, raised lump on my leg, surrounded by a rash that is not getting better, so I go to see my doctor. I am 22.)

Doctor: “It looks to me like an allergy. I’ll give you these [Allergy Tablets] and if it is not better in a few days, come back.”

Me: “Don’t those tablets contain cetirizine dihydrochloride? I’m allergic to it.”

Doctor: “Don’t be ridiculous! Cetirizine dihydrochloride STOPS allergies. It’s impossible to be allergic to it!”

Me: “I was diagnosed by the allergy clinic at [Hospital]. It should be on my file? I know it sounds counter intuitive but I was tested for every ingredient in the tablets and that is the only one that came back positive. I can’t take it.”

Doctor: “You CANNOT be allergic to it. That isn’t physically possible.”

Me: “I took a hay  fever tablet with cetirizine dihydrochloride in it and had a rash on my face and my neck. I was referred to the allergy clinic and they said that’s what caused it.”

Doctor: “I know you’re just trying to be special, but fine, I’ll look.”

(The doctor looks at my file and finds the letter saying I’m allergic to cetirizine dihydrochloride. He then prints and signs the prescription and gives it to me.)

Doctor: *leans right in to my face* “Just take the tablets and stop making such a fuss! You little girls, you stupid BABIES, and your little made up illnesses. Teenagers! Can’t do anything, the idiots. Get a grip and take the tablets. It is impossible to be allergic to the medication that stops allergies. Grow up and stop wasting my time!”

(I took the prescription as proof and reported what happened to the receptionist, who was very angry at the doctor. The doctor was reported to the GMC (General Medical Council). Another doctor treated my itchy leg without giving me cetirizine dihydrochloride. I was eventually diagnosed with a bee-sting allergy.)

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