Say Goodbye To This Dress

, , , , , | Right | September 7, 2018

Years ago my mum was working in a clothes shop with a one-month return policy.

A customer bought a returned dress, but soon returned it, complaining of a rash that the dress had caused.

After making sure it was not an allergy issue, they sent the dress off to be tested, and the results told them that there were traces of embalming fluid on the dress. That’s the stuff they put on dead people to keep them looking nice for open-casket funerals.

Someone had put this dress on a person so that their friends and relatives could say goodbye, then took it off them and returned it to the shop. Apparently it never occurred to them that that was a bit weird.

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Must Be Sad To Be In Their Shoes

, , , | Right | September 6, 2018

Me: “Huge apologies, but we don’t have the shoe you’re after in our stockroom today. I have checked online and we can order it for you into the store or to home, or I can call a nearby store for you and find out if they have it.”

Customer: “You don’t have the shoe?”

Me: “No, I’m afraid n—”

Customer: “And you can’t order it?”

Me: “Yes, we can, to—”

Customer: “I don’t have time to wait for that. Can you call another store?”

Me: “Yes, I could do that fo—”

Customer: “Actually, never mind; I’m going to go order it online.”

(I think customers run on one-track minds.)

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‘Sarcasm’ Is Also A Greek Word And We Hope That’s What They’re Being

, , , | Right | September 5, 2018

(I work in a call centre. My coworker is spelling something out to a customer using the phonetic alphabet.)

Coworker: “‘D’ for Delta…”

Customer: “What? What is ‘delta’?”

Coworker: “It’s a Greek letter; we use it in the phonetic alphabet—”

Customer: “I don’t speak Greek! This is an English service! Speak English!”

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I’ll Pencil You In For Never

, , , , , , | Right | September 5, 2018

(I produce very fine pencil drawings of city views, done in psychedelic colour schemes. I also sell ink drawings of those same views, which resemble colouring book pages. Customers sometimes ask if it’s okay for them to colour them in, and it is, since it doesn’t affect me. This woman is a lot less polite about it, though.)

Girl: “Ooh, these look nice, Mum.”

Woman: “Yes, they look okay. How much are they?”

Me: “The colour prints are £40, black and white £20, and the originals are about £250.”

Woman: “What?! You’re charging £250 for pencil drawings!”

Me: *taken aback* “Well, they’re each nearly a month’s work and done in very fine detail.”

Woman: “I’m not paying that. I could do this!”

Girl: “Oh, but I really like them.”

Woman: “Fine.”

(She decides to buy one of the black and white prints.)

Woman: “Mind if I take a photo?”

Me: “That’s fine.”

Woman: *to her daughter* “Now we can copy it, and sell our own for £250.” *smiles smugly and leaves*

Me: “It’s your money.”

Another Visitor: “Aren’t you worried about her?”

Me: “It took 300 pencils to do these. A lot of the patterns are in very tiny spaces and done on a whim. Computers have trouble scanning them, and I couldn’t copy them, even with all the pencils to hand. Even if she does succeed, she’ll have to invest a few hundred getting her own art business set up. That’s money I haven’t made back yet. She is not going to make this £20 back.”

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Jack Reacher Comes Out Of The Closet

, , , , | Right | September 5, 2018

(I’m a librarian, working in a large city centre public library. I should also add that I’m male and reasonably conservative in dress and appearance. On this day, I’m putting together a display of books, called “Loud and Proud”, promoting LGBT authors. A middle aged male customer wanders over and takes a look.)

Customer: “‘Ere, mate, what’s all this?”

Me: “It’s a promotion we’re running to coincide with the city’s Pride parade. There have been several high profile gay and lesbian authors recently, and we’re trying to—”

Customer: “Yeah, yeah. I get that. But who are these people?”

Me: “Some you might be familiar with already. Both Jake Arnott and Sarah Waters have been adapted for television, and essentially they’re great storytellers regardless of their—”

Customer: “Yeah, sure. But my point is, where are the books for the rest of us? You know, for us normal people?”

(At this point I pause. The walls are lined with bookshelves, there are more free-standing bookshelves around the room, plus spinners, racks and more. All filled with books.)

Me: “Well, there’s plenty of other stuff to choose from…”

Customer: “Yeah, but don’t you feel a bit awkward about all of this?” *he gestures towards the one small display stand being used*

Me: “Not at all. I’m gay myself.”

(Customer looked as if he was going to explode, eventually settling on throwing his books on the floor and storming out. I shared this story with my manager, who laughed her head off, and suggested we run another display called “100% STRAIGHT!” consisting of men’s fitness guides, SAS memoirs, and Lee Child/Andy McNab thrillers. We eventually did something along those lines, but with a less provocative title.)

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