I get a call from a retired gentleman who wishes to complain about new legislation on fees for second properties. I bring this up on Google so I can check it.

Me: “Sir, I’m afraid that the government has arranged this; the bank cannot do anything about it. You’d need to bring it to your MP’s attention.”

This unleashes some sort of demon.

Caller: “I want a complaint raised. You will fill it ad verbatim; you know what ad verbatim means, I hope!”

He complained about the legislation, and then, because I was using verbal cues like “aha,” “hmm,” “yeah,” etc., he decided to go off on me, practically reducing me to tears and calling me every name under the sun. Policy means I had to read the complaint back to him to confirm.

Not long after, one of the bigwigs for our site came over, explained that they’d looked at the complaint and listened to the call, and told me that the man had been sent a notice of account closing. This means that the bank had declared him not worth his custom — despite the amount he had in his accounts — and that they would be closing his accounts and he would need to find another service for his banking needs.

This is something very, very, rarely done, and is usually reserved for laundering accounts, so it was a big win.

This story is part of our Best Of May 2021 roundup!

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To be honest, I don’t like one particular coworker. She just irritates me on every level. She is inconsiderate, bossy, and plain rude. What is more irritating is that she sees nothing wrong with the way she behaves and no one seems to call her out on it.

I bring some cakes into the office for my birthday. I am setting them in the breakroom, which, of course, attracts everyone’s attention.

Coworker: “These look great, thanks.”

Rude Coworker: “You’re welcome.”

My coworker shoots me a look that seems to say, “What the f***?”

Coworker: “I was talking to [My Name], actually.”

Rude Coworker: “Oh, he says you’re welcome, too.”

[Coworker] takes a cake and leaves, and I start to unbox the cakes. [Rude Coworker] starts to take them out of the wrappers and put them on plates.

Me: “I don’t think people want you touching their food.”

Rude Coworker: “Oh, please! I’m sure they won’t mind.”

Me: “Okay, let me rephrase that. Don’t touch my cakes. I brought them in and didn’t ask for your help.”

Rude Coworker: “Oh, you’re being silly.”

Me: “No, I’m telling you to stop.”

She flustered and pouted but eventually left. She later raised a complaint. But thankfully, after I explained, nothing else came of it. She tried to get some of the staff to turn against me, but no one likes her, so it came to nothing, too.

Me: “Hello, [Chinese Takeaway].”

Caller: “Hi, I have a question. My son is allergic to nuts. He really wants satay sauce. Can you do it without the nuts in?”

I stare at the order screen in shock.

Me: “I’m sorry, but we can’t do it.”

Caller: *Getting angry* “And why not?”

Me: *Slowly* “Because satay sauce is peanut sauce; that’s the main ingredient.”

Caller: *Annoyed* “Well, another Chinese place did it for us! Why can’t you?”

Me: “Ma’am, they lied to you. They must have given you gravy; there is no way you can have satay sauce without nuts in.”

I’m shopping in a shop that sells baby clothes, prams, etc. I’m looking for a gift for a friend who has just given birth to her first child. I’ve picked out some clothes and am looking at the various blankets; I’ve picked out some cellular breathable ones.

Out of nowhere, a store assistant appears, actually making me jump. 

Store Assistant: “Can I help you, sir?”

Me: “No, I’m good, thanks. Just picking out a few things.”

Store Assistant: “What is it you are looking for?”

I’ve already said no, clearly.

Me: “Just a present for a friend.”

Store Assistant: “Oh, why don’t you look in our toy aisle? We have lots of great gifts.”

Me: “No, thanks. Everyone gets toys. I want to give something useful. I think I will buy these.”

Store Assistant: “Oh? Well, they are expensive. There are some great, colourful blankets in the next aisle.”

Me: “Again, no, thanks. These are great for new babies.”

Store Assistant: “Well, actually, I think you will find we have some much better, thicker blankets for babies.”

Me: “Actually, I think you’ll find that the current recommendation is to have lightweight layers of blankets, you know, to prevent SIDS.”

Store Assistant: “What’s SIDS?”

Not sure why anyone would go out of their way to give the wrong advice, especially when they don’t know what they are talking about. My friend was delighted with her presents.

My coworker is a chore to work with. Ask him to do anything he doesn’t deem “his job” and he refuses. I have actually watched him not report a smoldering fire because he was going on his break. He just said, “I am entitled to a break; someone will sort it out.”

I think he thinks he is some great hero of the people, fighting some bourgeoisie. In reality, it is a small family business, and his stupid behaviour makes people dislike him.

Christmas is coming up and I am putting in some extra hours to earn some extra cash. All hours are posted on a notice board; I’m happy to see that I’m scheduled again for both shifts. 

Coworker: “How come you got overtime again?”

Me: “I can run [machine]; that’s where the work is.”

Coworker: “How come you got training? I wasn’t offered training!”

I sigh as this is going to be another of his outbursts to deal with.

Me: “I got training as I volunteered to help set the machine up. I also took the time to read the manual, which is available to everyone and still is.”

Coworker: “Well, I could have done that!”

Me: “Yes, but you didn’t, did you? We needed as many volunteers as we could; instead, we spent a whole weekend struggling.”

Coworker: “I didn’t know I would get overtime out of it!”

Me: “None of us did. We volunteered because they asked us and it needed to be done. Maybe if you helped out more, they would—”

Coworker: *Cutting me off* “This isn’t right. I’m being discriminated against. I’m speaking to [Manager]!”

I can only assume they told him to shut up and get back to work, as he reappeared moments later. [Coworker] never got on the overtime sheet, but he complained all the way up to Christmas about it, still not actually making any effort to learn the jobs that were in high demand.