Many years ago, very tight, stretchy, satin trousers were fashionable. A lady comes in and wants to try on a size fourteen in very bright pink. Off she goes into the changing room. A few minutes later, she calls me in.

Customer: “These trousers are faulty! I’ve pulled the zip up to the top and the teeth have parted!”

It’s very obvious that she is nowhere near a size fourteen. We can’t budge the zip and have to get scissors to cut her out of them.

Customer: “I like them. Get me another fourteen and I’ll take them.”

Me: “Would you like to try the next size up?”

Customer: “No, these are faulty. I’m definitely a size fourteen.”

I sold her another pair of trousers that were far too tight, and off she went, happy as Larry.

A group of my coworkers and I are sitting around on our break, and the subject turns to running.

Coworker #1: “Oh, I wish I could go running.”

Awkward silence falls. We have been down this road with [Coworker #1] a few times on several different topics.

Coworker #1: “I think I would really get into it if I tried.”

Coworker #2: “Why not just do it, then? Give it a go.”

Coworker #1: “I don’t have any of the equipment.”

Coworker #3: “You know, when I started running, I just had normal trainers and any old clothes.”

Coworker #1: “Oh, but I don’t want to do it alone.” *Dramatic sigh* “I might be able to lose this weight if I did.”

Me: “I run after work; maybe you could come run with me.”

Coworker #1: “I would only slow you down.”

Me: “I don’t run fast, and I run a few times a week, some fast some… slower. We could do it. It would be fun.”

Coworker #1: “I don’t have time.”

Everyone apart from [Coworker #1] has kids. She is always first out the door and has no hobbies. I don’t bring this up. Instead, I just say:

Me: “Well, whenever you get time, let me know.”

Coworker #1: “Oh, yes. That would be great, because I really do want to.” *Sighs*

I stop in a petrol garage halfway through a long drive and pick up some food and an energy drink.

Cashier: “Oh, these are two for £1.50.”

Me: “Great, I’ll take two.”

I look back at the massive queue.

Me: “Can you scan that twice and I will pick up one on my way out?”

Cashier: “Sure.”

I pay for my things, grab a second bottle, and hold it up so the cashier can see that I remembered and go to leave. I get as far as the door.

Customer: “Hey, you stop.”

Me: “I already paid for this; you can ask the cashier if you are bothered.”

Customer: “I’m not letting you leave.”

Cashier: “Sir, sir, it’s fine; he’s already paid.”

Customer: *Ignoring her* “I don’t know what things have come to today. In my day, I— Hey! Where are you going?!

I duck under his arm.

Me: “I really don’t have time for this. I have a long drive.”

Cashier: “Sir, please leave him alone.”

Customer: “What?! What is going on? You need to—”

Cashier: “No, you need to leave other customers alone. I have told you twice now. Now join the queue or I will have to call the police.”

I got in my car and I could still hear the other customer ranting. I didn’t wait around for what happened next, but I hope the cashier put him in his place.

I’m sitting in a nice cafe at a small table close to the window. I’m sipping a drink when a woman lumps herself down at my table opposite me.

Woman: “Before we start, what you need to know about me is that I’m a Virgo, and I don’t care if you don’t ‘believe’ in astrology, because it’s important to me. Okay? And I won’t change for anyone. I’m me, and I won’t lose weight. I won’t stop shopping. I won’t go on one of your little runs, okay?”

Before I can answer, the waiter interrupts with my food.

Woman: “What the h***?! You ordered without me. I was, what—” *looks at her watch* “—fifteen minutes late? I said I don’t like being held to a schedule.” 

Me: “Lady, I don’t know you.”

Woman: “Oh, don’t like what you see? Too fat for you now? Well, I’m sorry we can’t all be super skinny models.”

Me: “I don’t know you. I don’t know why you sat down. I was trying to eat alone. I’m guessing your date didn’t want to wait for you.”

She erupts and starts to wail on about how men are terrible, for some reason still aimed fully at me. She ends up taking food off my plate and throwing it to the floor. She stomps out, leaving me utterly bemused.

Waiter: “Are you okay, sir?”

Me: “Yes, I think so. Can I have my meals replaced?”

Waiter: “Of course, free of charge. I am so sorry you had to go through that.”

As I wait, a guy across the room gives me a half-smile with a sort of apologetic shrug. I mime asking if it was his date and he nods. He eventually comes over, apologises, and explains that they met online and there wouldn’t be a second date.

The funny thing was that, apart from the same hair colour, we looked nothing alike.

[Friend #1] is tight with money, but we all know she earns plenty of money and has some pretty big savings — no kids, good pension, she just doesn’t want to spend anything. From taking the salt and pepper packets home, to digging things out of the bin, she does it all.

Surprisingly, she actually booked herself a few days away in a hotel. We are talking about it over a few drinks

Me: “So, how was the hotel itself?”

Friend #1: “Good, actually, thanks. Quiet, and the food was good.”

Friend #2: “Did you see [Nearby Famous Attraction]?”

Friend #1: “Oh, no. The tickets were far too pricey.”

Me: “Oh, so what did you do?”

Friend #1: “We stayed in the hotel mostly. Oh, I didn’t tell you the best part! We were a bit naughty and took the towels home. They had matching dressing gowns. We had to sneak them into our bags.”

Friend #2: “Err, I think that’s stealing, [Friend #1].”

Friend #1: “I bet they have hundreds. With the prices they charge, they should be free, anyway.”

Me: “You pay by card? Might want to check they haven’t added the cost of them on after they discovered them missing.”

Friend #1: “They can’t do that! Can they?”

Turns out they can and did. The “free” towels actually turned out to be very expensive, indeed. Apparently, the hotel refused to take them back once she offered, due to hygiene reasons. When [Friend #1] complained, they threatened to let the police deal with it, instead.

She (reluctantly) paid the bill.

This story is part of our Best Of August 2021 roundup!

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