With not a great deal of money, but a noticeably empty flat, I “umm” and “ahh” for weeks before picking out a really nice, if a bit pricey, lamp. Annoyingly, I find out it is recalled the following week; worse is that they cannot replace it with anything similar, only refund it.

I go down to the store and signs are everywhere — on the doors, hanging from signs, etc. It must be a pretty important recall for this bad publicity.

I get to the customer service counter.

Me: “I need to return this lamp; it’s part of the product recall.”

Worker: “Product recall? Well, do you have a receipt?”

Me: “No, I didn’t think I needed one.”

Worker: “No receipt, no refund.”

I know this isn’t true; recalls never normally need it. Then, it occurs to me.

Me: “Your signs clearly state otherwise.”

Worker: “Sorry, there is nothing I can do.”

Me: “You’re telling me you’re refusing to refund a faulty product, despite every sign in the place saying otherwise?”

Worker: *Scoffs* “What signs?”

Me: “Like the two behind you.”

I gesture to two large signs with a picture of the lamp in red letters instructing customers to return them. At the bottom, the signs say, “No receipt needed. Please bring the card used to purchase.”

Worker: “Hmm. I will have to call a manager.”

He disappeared for a long time before a manager returns and processes the refund immediately, apologising. I wonder how the worker was so unaware of everything around him.

I’m a bit of a fitness nut. I’m not in the best shape, but I’m fit and I enjoy it. I’ve only ever trained at home, and a new outdoor class is really popular online, so I email the instructor and turn up for the next session 

I catch up with the instructor before the lesson, explain who I am, and tell her that this is my first fitness class. She puts me near the other newbies and tells me to follow along as best as possible.

One newbie has overheard my conversation. 

Newbie: “Hi, I’m [Newbie]. This is my fourth week. It seems pretty intense, but you can stop for breaks whenever you want.”

Throughout, [Newbie] offers “advice” on how I should be doing the moves, although I’m sure I am doing just fine. [Newbie] is barely managing herself.

At the end, [Newbie] gives me her evaluation, which I didn’t ask for.

Newbie: “Not bad, but try to get the moves right and your knees up. I would say you did okay.”

Instructor: “Amazing first session. Are you sure you’ve never done this before?”

Me: “It’s my first proper class; I’ve done plenty of virtual stuff.”

Instructor: “Seriously, absolutely great. Not a thing wrong. [Newbie], could we try to be a bit more controlled in our movements?”

The instructor walks off. [Newbie] isn’t happy with me.

Newbie: “You lied. You made me look stupid!”

Me: “No, you were listening in on someone else’s conversation and made yourself look stupid.”

The vending machines at work are so expensive and so infrequently stocked that I buy a few multipacks of snacks and leave them in my desk. A few of the other guys in the office buy snacks from me (at cost), and then a few more join in. Suddenly, I get requests to stock other items, and then, before I know it, I’m running a fully-stocked tuck shop.

I only charge what it costs for me to buy items, but when a bar costs, say, 19p from a multipack, most people round up. I’m not making any real money, but it probably covers more than my petrol.

One day, my boss pulls me into his office.

Boss: “We’ve had a concern raised about you running some sort of racket.”

Me: “You mean the tuck shop? I would hardly call it a racket.”

Boss: “I’ve been told it’s more of a business, being run on company time. There was something about exclusion or—” *reading from a paper* “—an all-boys club?”

Me: “I have food at my desk, and people come by on their breaks and pay the cost price for what they want. I’ve told [Female Coworker] that if she wants to join in, she can, but I’m not buying a mini-fridge out of my own money to suit her.”

Boss: “Hang on, I didn’t say any names. Okay, I think I need to see this for myself.”

We go back to my desk. My desk gets emptied in front of everyone, and I have to admit there is a lot of food. I volunteer the ledger, the price list, and all emails related to it.

My boss goes through everything, returns it to me, and leaves, saying something about checking with Human Resources.

I hear nothing for weeks until the senior HR manager comes into the office and is pointed to me.

HR Manager: “Are you [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes.”

HR Manager: “Do you have any salt and vinegar crisps?”

Me: *Pauses* “Sure, what brand?”

HR Manager: *Laughing* “What brand?! Oh, you’re being serious. Any will be fine.”

Just like that, he became one of the most frequent customers. He would often stop to chat and we got on really well. I know [Female Coworker] lied to get me in trouble, but it certainly didn’t work!

Apparently, I left my office desk drawers unlocked when I was last in the office a few months ago. I find that they have been ransacked and anything of perceived value has been taken.

Luckily, it was mostly company stationery, but I did have some food stuff in there. It’s beyond annoying, and I’m pretty sure I know who it was.

Me: “Oh, no! My drawers!”

Coworker #1: “What happened?”

Me: “Someone has stolen all of my things!”

Coworker #1: “What?! Some people are scum in this office.” *Glares at [Coworker #2]*

Me: *Dramatically* “Oh, no! They’ve taken the food, too.”

Coworker #1: “Don’t worry. We can buy some more.”

Me: *Loudly* “No, I mean it was really out of date. Like months. I had been meaning to throw it out for ages.”

Coworker #1: “Really?”

Me: “Yeah, I hope they didn’t eat it. That stuff can be toxic when it goes off.”

Coworker #1: “Come on. Let’s get some more stationery for you.”

When we returned, [Coworker #2] was nowhere to be seen. Later, he went home feeling sick. The joke’s on him; none of it was out of date. It was just his paranoia and guilt making him sick.

I did make sure to buy more food and offer [Coworker #2] some when he came back in. Surprisingly, he declined.

I’m covering the phones as everyone else is out; it’s a small office. The phone rings.

Me: “Hello, [Company].”

Caller: “Is [Owner] there?”

Me: “Sorry, they stepped out.”

Caller: “Okay, do you know when will they be back?”

Me: “No, sorry. But I can take a message.”

Caller: “Yes, please.”

Me: “Okay, who is calling, please?”

Caller: “Oh, I, err, probably shouldn’t say.”

Me: “A company name?”

Caller: “I, err, can’t really tell you.”

Me: “A subject? A reminder?”

Caller: “Well, you see, it’s all a bit hush.”

Me: “No problem. So far I have: someone, who cannot be named, from an unknown company, has left a message of information that I cannot pass on?”

Caller: *Laughing* “Oh, now you say it, it does sound silly. I will call back.”

Eventually, the owner came back and I relayed the “message.” I jokingly asked if he was planning to join MI6. He saw the funny side and eventually told me it was a business merger; he couldn’t tell me more due to insider trading and the like.