I worked with a lawyer who had absolutely zero common sense, especially when it came to talking with clients. I sat right next to him, so I could often hear how bad some conversations would turn out.

Lawyer: “Now, I was just curious, but what kind of business operates at this address? I looked it up on Google Maps, and all I see is a really rundown, decrepit-looking house.”

Client: “Um, well, the business we’re talking about is mine, and I work from home.”

Lawyer: “Oh.”

He was eventually fired.

I learned a trick years ago when dealing with the dreaded “autopilot loop”: say something completely bonkers. I usually try to switch things up before resorting to being strange, but sometimes, all you can do is snap them out of it with some crazy. 

For example, I wanted to use a coupon for a product at my local grocery store that I didn’t realize had expired the week prior. When my turn came and my items were scanned, I handed the coupon to the cashier.

Cashier: “Oh, sorry, I can’t use this. It’s expired.”

I felt silly for missing the expiry date.

Me: “Sorry, I didn’t realize. You can just throw it out, then.”

Cashier: “Oh, no, sorry, it’s expired. I can’t accept this.”

Me: “Yes, I understand. Do you want me to throw it out?”

The cashier made no move to hand it back or throw it away.

Cashier: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I can’t use this. It expired last week. “

Then, I had the slow dawning realization that autopilot had been activated.

Me: “Right, you’ve said that. May I have it back to throw away, then?”

Cashier: “No, ma’am, it’s expired. I can’t take it.”

I looked at the customer behind me, who just shrugged and gave me a sympathetic smile.

Me: “For high tea, I like to grab the bean berries off of my turkey bushes before the surfboards see them.”

The cashier — and the now very confused customer behind me — stared at me.

Cashier: “What… What did you say?”

Me: “I was asking if I could pay by debit?”

Cashier: “Um, yes. Yes, you can!”

Still somewhat confused, she finished my transaction and allowed me on my way with my items, throwing the coupon out under her register.

As I left, I could hear her ask the next customer if I had really just said something about turkey bushes and surfboards. 

Customer: “I’m not sure, but whatever she said, it worked!”

This trick works on angry customers, too! Just try to have a couple of phrases ready to go; I have a few I’ve used, and I’ll share them soon!

I have lots of stories from when I worked for an airline, but this one actually happened before then.

My daughter was fifteen in the late 1990s. She was very into playing soccer, and she was pretty good. So, one summer, she wanted to go to soccer camp in Florida, which was about 1,000 miles away. The price wasn’t bad for the week-long camp, and the airfare to get her there was pretty reasonable, so we paid for the camp and the airfare, and we arranged for the camp to pick her up and transport her from the Florida airport to the camp.

We took [Daughter] to the airport and checked her in at the desk. The agent saw that she was just fifteen and asked if we would like an airline worker to meet her in Philadelphia (where she had to change planes) and make sure she got to the correct gate. After asking [Daughter], we agreed this was a great idea. We took her to the gate (you could still do that back then), waved goodbye, and headed home.

Several hours later, we got a phone call from [Daughter].

Daughter: “I’m in Florida, but there was a mix-up in Philadelphia, so I got here two hours late and missed my transportation to [Camp].”

We panicked and called the camp and the airline — their fault this happened — and tried to figure out what else we could do.

Finally, [Daughter] called again.

Daughter: “I found a cab to take me to [Camp], and I have just enough money with me to pay for it, but I’ll need more money for the rest of the week.”

Us: “Okay. Take the cab, and we’ll send you some more money by [Shipping Company].”

She made it to the camp okay and had a good time.

Now for the fun airline part. As soon as [Daughter] called us from the airport, I got on the phone with the airline to complain. [Daughter] told us that no one met her in Philly, but she found her own way to the gate anyway. She heard her flight called and went to board, but the gate agent told her that it wasn’t her flight and her next flight was the next one. She took the agent’s word and went and sat back down to wait.

After a couple of hours, another flight was called. [Daughter] went to the gate and was allowed on. After boarding, it was announced that the plane was going to Puerto Rico — no mention of Florida. She asked a flight attendant, who confirmed that they weren’t going to Florida, so [Daughter] got back off the plane. She managed to get a new flight, but it was a couple of hours later, of course. That’s why she was so late to get her transport.

On the phone, I started loudly complaining about what had happened, and I asked the airline to refund everything. They absolutely refused, despite numerous phone calls and escalations. (These days, I probably would have sued, but I wasn’t the type to threaten that back then.)

In frustration, I finally asked for something that seemed very reasonable. On [Daughter]’s return trip, she was due to change planes at NYC’s LaGuardia airport. I asked if it was possible for her to get off and have her luggage taken off, as well, and we would pick her up there instead of her original destination. They said she could get off at LaGuardia, but her luggage would continue on. I spent more time trying to get them to change their mind, and I sent a lot of complaint letters, but nothing was ever done for us.

Fortunately, [Daughter]’s return went smoothly, and she had no trouble changing planes this time. When we met her flight, we were all relieved.

Lesson learned, though, about letting even fifteen-year-olds fly alone.

My old office once refreshed the paintwork throughout, but for some reason, they decided to repaint every other pillar red. The walls and the rest of the pillars were white. The carpet was a dark grey.

So, of course, our partially-sighted colleague — whose vision beyond a distance of about six inches from his nose was limited to “dark blobs” and “light blobs” — found himself walking into the red pillars several times.

The next week, all of the red pillars had been repainted with a thick white stripe wrapped around them horizontally about three feet from the ground. They actually looked much better than the plain red pillars had in the first place!

Near Christmas, my boss hired a temporary salesperson. I spent a four-hour shift with him and came out of it hating him more than I thought I was capable of hating another human being. To quote another salesperson’s favorite song, “There’s a strange exhilaration in this total detestation.”

[Salesperson] couldn’t stand me, because even when I was 99% sure of something, I asked questions so I could be 100% sure, e.g., “Is there a reason this receipt is out on the counter?” He told me it was obviously left out accidentally, and I should just put it away instead of asking him.

I couldn’t stand [Salesperson] because he was incapable of agreeing to disagree on anything. No matter how small the argument, he would not let the topic drop until you said he was right after all. Eventually, I told him I would stop talking to him unless he let it go, and I remained silent as he complained about how childish I was being.

After that shift, each of us separately asked the boss to never be assigned shifts with the other. I thought this was a small ask because he was a Christmas temp anyway. Then, the boss hired him permanently, scheduled him throughout the week, and cut my hours down from thirty-nine a week to eight a week. I guess [Salesperson]’s forceful personality was good for sales.

I wasn’t around to witness much of this personally, but I heard from other employees that [Salesperson] started making weird power plays. Whenever someone was being listened to as an expert, [Salesperson] tried to convince everyone else that the expert was stupid and they should all listen to him instead. He played people against each other, repeatedly undermined the manager, and played innocent when caught. Also, it turned out that the reason I was able to stop arguing with him was that I was bigger than him; with smaller employees, including the manager, he would physically block them from leaving until they agreed he was right about whatever petty argument they’d gotten into.

As he alienated more of the salespeople, his hours steadily crept down, and mine crept up again. Then, money started to go missing. [Salesperson] blamed another employee and tried to get her fired for it, but he ended up being caught himself, and I never saw him again. The employees who’d listened to him most kept treating the manager as stupid, so they eventually lost their jobs, as well. I was a worse salesperson than any of them, but I hung on much longer, all because I didn’t trust the guy who couldn’t stand disagreement.